GK: You're leaving San Francisco (FOGHORN) and you're heading east (GPS VOICE: Take right turn in one-point-eight miles and then a left.) You're taking your son the trombonist to Indiana University to start school -- he won a partial scholarship by playing the 1812 Overture as he did backflips (SFX) -- and you're proud of him. At the same time you wish he'd grow up -- his social skills are so poor.
FN: HEY DUDE!!!
GK: His vocabulary is small.
FN: Awesome. Cool. Totally.
GK: His self-control is minimal.
FN: GO FOR IT!!
GK: His room is a swamp (SQUISHES OF FOOTSTEPS IN MARSH) and there is a pet alligator in there (SFX) and a python (SFX) and when he's not practicing trombone he's listening to music (HIP HOP) that drives you berserk -- (MOTHER HYSTERIA) so that the other day, even though you'd never owned a gun before in your life, there you were with one in your hands and (SHOTGUN BLAST) you blew a hole in the Stop sign on his door.
FN: Cool, Mom. Totally.
GK: And now you're on the road (CAR) heading toward Bloomington, Indiana, and you're sailing across Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, and then suddenly there's a sign--
FN: National Music Museum. Cool.
GK: It's out of the way, in Vermillion, South Dakota,
FN: Go for it!!!!
GK: So you do (SCREECH OF TIRES, TURN) for your son's sake and when you get there (BRAKES) you find rooms full of instruments -- the sackbut (SFX), the krummhorn (SFX), the ram's horn (SFX), the French horn (SFX), the French taxi horn (SFX), the guitar (SFX), the sitar (SFX), the zither (SFX), the come hither (SFX), the oboe (SFX), the tuba (SFX), the tuba toothpaste (SFX), the trombone--
FN: Cool. Totally.
GK: And then you see a sign that says Industrial Music -- and here are tools made to play music -- the air horns (SFX), the air wrench (SFX), the fire extinguisher (SFX), the touch tone phone (SFX), the stethoscope (SFX), the chainsaw (SFX), and the electric guitar (SFX) and suddenly (FEEDBACK)there is terrible feedback and it sets off alarms (KLAXONS) and they sic the dogs on you (WOOFING) and you and your son drive on but you're disoriented by the prairie and so is your GPS system (GPS VOICE: Drive onward, onward, into the valley of death... cannons to the right of you, cannons to the left of you) and soon you're lost in a blizzard (WIND, WOLVES) and there are wild dogs (SFX) and wild cats (SFX) and cougars (SFX) -- marmots (SFX) -- badgers badgering people (SFX) -- cattle lost in the storm (SFX) -- farmers driven berserk by winter (SFX) -- old people looking for Gate 37 and the flight to Tampa (SFX) -- you have to keep going (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) through the deep crusted snow and your son is playing his trombone (TAPS ON TROMBONE) and then you see a farmhouse -- its lights beckon -- lights you can see -- it's candlelight gleaming through the sycamores -- and is that new-mown hay you smell? (HOPEFUL CRY)-- could it be? (CRIES OF HOO HOO HOO, MORE CRIES) Yes, these are Hoosiers. You're in Indiana. You're going to be all right now.