(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions Guy Noir, Private Eye
(PIANO)
GK: It was February, that gray month --it felt like somebody had pulled the shades and then drawn the curtains -- like a sickroom and maybe you were the patient -- I was on my way to get lunch and I saw this big icy mound of snow at the corner, and I not could see myself climbing over it unless I had a rope and a pickaxe -- so I went inside and called Danny's Deli --
TK (TEEN): Hi, Mr. Noir. What can I do you for today?
GK: I'd like a grilled cheese and a bowl of chili. And I'd like it delivered, Wendell.
TK (TEEN): Vegetarian chili?
GK: Of course not.
TK (TEEN): Any toppings? Chopped onions?
GK: Sure.
TK (TEEN): Sour cream?
GK: Absolutely.
TK (TEEN): Grated cheese?
GK: Fine.
TK (TEEN): Cheddar, Monterey jack, provolone, swiss, mozzarella, parmesan, or Colby?
GK: Cheddar.
TK (TEEN): Mild, medium, or sharp?
GK: Sharp.
TK (TEEN): Medium sharp, extra sharp, or pungent?
GK: Medium sharp.
TK (TEEN): Organic or made with the use of growth hormones and dangerous pesticides.
GK: Oh what the heck. Gimme the growth hormones.
TK (TEEN): How about hot peppers?
GK: No thanks.
TK (TEEN): Oh wait -- I forgot -- we're out of chili today. Sorry.
GK: You're out of chili.
TK (TEEN): Well, we found hair in it. And then we found some tiny feet. So we're throwing it away.
GK: How about a grilled cheese sandwich?
TK (TEEN): Sure. You want rye bread, whole wheat, pumpernickel, or Kaiser roll?
GK: Rye bread.
TK (TEEN): Cheddar, Monterey jack, provolone, swiss, mozzarella, parmesan, or Colby?
GK: Cheddar.
TK (TEEN): Mild, medium, or sharp?
GK: Medium.
TK (TEEN): We're out of medium.
GK: Okay. Mild.
TK (TEEN): Actually we're out of cheddar.
GK: Monterey jack then.
TK (TEEN): Out of that too.
GK: What cheese do you have?
TK (TEEN): Cream cheese.
GK: Okay, how about a toasted bagel?
TK (TEEN): Regular, poppyseed, sesame, or butterscotch?
GK: Poppyseed.
TK (TEEN): Sorry.
GK: Okay. Regular.
TK (TEEN): All gone.
GK: Sesame.
TK (TEEN): Out of that too.
GK: I suppose you have butterscotch.
TK (TEEN): Got a lot of butterscotch.
GK: Wendell-- how can you operate a deli and not have cheese?
TK (TEEN): Talk to Danny. I just work here, Mr. Noir.
I don't make the decisions.
GK: Okay, let me talk to Danny.
TK (TEEN): He's not here. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was trying to coax more heat out of my radiator (BWANGING) which dates back to the bronze age of heating and all the plumbers who could fix it died a long time ago and I was hitting it gently just above its appendix when--..
SS: Mr. Noir? My name is Jenny C'Est Quois -- I'm your downstairs neighbor.
GK: Jenny C'Est Quois--
SS: I have a talent agency. High Seas Entertainment.
We supply performers for cruise ships. Caribbean cruises and the Great Lakes and also the Northwest Passage cruises now that the polar icecap is melting.
GK: Interesting.
SS (WEEPY): But that's not why I came.
GK: Oh?
SS (WEEPY): It's my cat. Mr. Mittens. (SOB) He's gone.
GK: I'm sorry.
SS (WEEPY): He's always suffered from low esteem and yesterday he had an accident on the rug -- he was trying to roll it toward the litter box when I came home -- he was so ashamed. This morning he was gone. He left a note-
GK: Your cat left a note--
SS (WEEPY): He typed it out on the computer. He said he was sorry and maybe it would be better if he went away. --It's all my fault. Could you help? Please? (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: Suddenly I had visions of finding Mr. Mittens and in a week or two I'd be cruising the Caribbean, standing at the rail in my powder-blue tuxedo, one arm around a sultry beauty in a skirt so tight you'd need to steam it off--
SB: Mister Sequa, I am so happy to find you'I've dreamed of this for months. My ambition, Mr. Sequa, is to entertain. To bring joy and comfort and a sense of meaning to people on cruises --
GK: What?
SB: My name is Melody Marsh, Mr. Sequa. And this is my manager and pianist, Sid Hartman.
TR (SID): Truly a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Sequa. I tell you, I've met a lot of people who called themselves agents, but you are right up there at the top. You are the agents' agent.
GK: Look. My name is Noir. I'm a private eye.
TR (SID): You know, what I love about you is the humility. Here you are a legend. A genius. Some people think they're geniuses -- you're the genius -- and yet here you are in this dumpy office. Why? Because you do not need decor to know who you are. You are a genius. That's who you are.
GK: Look, if you'd just listen to me--
TR (SID): Let's bring in the piano-- hey, Al-- this way'watch the door-- lemme open that-- (VOICES OF PIANO MOVERS) Gonna have to take the door off the hinges first--
TR (SID): You got a hammer, we gotta take the door off the hinges--
GK: You can't take the door off the hinges--
TK: Gotta take it off to get the piano in. (BANGING, WHAM, CRUNCH) There, got it. Right in this way-- (MEN PUSHING PIANO)
SB: Thank you so much, Mr. Sequa. I appreciate your making time for me like this.
GK: I'm not making time-- you're taking time--
(MEN PUSHING)
TR (SID): You're gonna love this. --
TK: Hold it, right there!!!!
GK: I am not a talent agent. You got the wrong guy. (PIANO)
TR (SID): Listen to this kid, give her a chance, that's all we ask.
SB (SINGS, FLAT):
It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
The somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me be blue--
GK: Look, Melody, that's nice but there's a mixup here
SB: I was a little off pitch there, wasn't I? Wasn't I--
TR (SID): Try "Witchcraft," Melody. Listen to this. You're gonna love this.
(PIANO)
SB (SINGS, FLAT):
Those fingers in your hair
That sly come-hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft.
GK: Melody-- this is a big mistake--
SB: Please. I just need to warm up.
TR (SID): The kid is upset, Mr. Sequa. She's been working towards this for twenty years and now she's a little jittery, so let's give her a chance, she'll settle right down. Come on, sweetheart.
SB (SINGS, FLAT, SEDUCTIVE):
The minute you walked in the joint
I could tell you were a man of distinction
A real big spender
So refined
Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind.
GK: Miss Marsh-- please. I'm a busy man. I've got work to do.
TR (SID): Oh yeah? Where is it? I don't see any work. Come on.
GK: Okay, I don't have work to do. I wish I had work to do.
SB: Just give me one more chance! Please. Please.
TR (SID): Hey, have a heart, will ya? What are you gonna do, crush a girl's dreams?
SB (SINGS):
I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
But I get a kick out of you.
(FOOTSTEPS ENTER)
SS: I still can't find Mr. Mittens, Mr. Noir. He's gone-- what's going on in here--
GK: Madame C'est Quoi -- somehow these people have mistaken me for you--
SS: You-for me? Impossible!!! (FRENCH PRONUNCIATION)
GK: I would think so too but they're auditioning for a cruise.
SS: Impossible!!! We're completely booked up-- I don't hire people like this-- Out of here. Go away. Now.
GK: Wait. Look. On the window ledge--
SS: It's Mister Mittens! (MUFFLED MEOW) He's writing something with his paw! (SQUEAKING ON WINDOW)
GK: G-o-o-d-b-y-e c-r-u-e-l w--?
SS: Oh no-Mr. Mittens! He's going to jump!
GK: Don't open the window'you might scare him.
SS: Mister Mittens!!!! Don't!!!! (MUFFLED MEOW)
SB (SINGS):
When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side.
SS: Mister Mittens is looking this way--
SB (SINGS):
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found,--
SS: He's stepping back from the ledge'he's singing along. (CAT SINGING)
SB (SINGS):
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
SS: You saved my cat, lady-- you saved Mr. Mittens.
SB (SINGS):
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
(WINDOW IS OPENED, CAT SOBS)
SS: Mister Mittens-- oh baby baby baby. I wuv you. Do you know that? I wuve you I wuv you I wuv you. (TO SB) I don't know who you are, lady, but you just made yourself a headliner on any cruise ship in the world. You name it. The Caribbean -- the South Seas-- the Mediterranean -- whatever you want.
GK: How about me?
SS: What about you?
GK: Maybe I'd like to travel.
SS: I've got a three-day weekend cruise on Lake Erie'off-season, but still. You're on a boat.
GK: Never mind. (BRIDGE) Kind of a rough deal. They break my door down, Melody Marsh gets a cushy job singing on cruise boats, Jennie C'est Quois gets her cat back, and what do I get? Not much. Wendell brought over a bologna sandwich.
TK (TEEN): Baloney on white bread. Mayonnaise. Lettuce. And a pickle. You want dill or sweet pickle?
GK: Dill.
TK (TEEN): All we got is sweet pickles.
GK: Okay, fine. (STING) So I sat there, eating my baloney sandwich, looking out at the gray world, listening to the CD that Melody Marsh left me.
SB (SINGS):
I'm so sorry that we can't go skiin'
I had to cancel the ski trip we planned.
I'm heading for the Caribbean
I hope you understand.
You're a beautiful human bein'
I admire you O so much
But there's someone in the Caribbean I am seein'
But let's you and me keep in touch.
(MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)