TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was January, a cold dark time in Minnesota, a time for contemplation and solitude, which meant that I was spending a lot of time asleep. Either asleep or walking around in a daze. I'd wake up around 9:30 in the morning at the Shropshire Arms, the TV on from the night before, and drop an ice cube down my back to try to wake myself up, and go to the office and walk in and lie down on the couch and wake up and it's noon. So I lay back down on the couch, and before I knew it (SEAGULLS, WAVES) I was walking along a beach in Monterey and a woman in a tiny tiny bathing suit was grabbing at me.
SS (TEEN): Hey -- you're George Clooney, aren't you. I know you are. You can't fool me. You're George Clooney. Listen-- I love your work-- I just want to say that-- (SHE FADES)
GK: No snow, no ice. Big convertibles whizzed past (CARS ZIP PAST), and girls on horseback (GALLOPING, WHEEEEEE) and surfers rode the big rollers (SURF) and musclemen pumped iron (BIG GROAN, CROWD AWE) and bikers went by (PARADE OF HARLEYS) and then
a black car with tinted windows pulled up (SCREECH OF BRAKES), and the door opened (CAR DOOR OPENS) and a hand reached out and grabbed the girl in the tiny bathing suit (SS: Hey!) and pulled her into the car (SS: Help!!) and peeled out (CAR SCREECHES OFF) and luckily there was a motorcycle right there so I jumped on that and (MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS), I chased the car along those narrow cliff roads (MOTORCYCLE/CAR CHASE), along sharp hairpin turns, through tunnels (MOTORCYCLE IN TUNNEL), and as I came under a rocky overhang, something dropped onto the seat behind me (THUMP), and it was a cougar (COUGAR). A white cougar on the passenger seat, its paws wrapped around my waist. (MOTORCYCLE REV) The rare albino cougar. Cougars can sense fear so I played it cool and I hit the gas (BIKE REV) and passed the black car as an oil tanker approached (MACK TRUCK HORN) and the black car hit the brakes (BRAKES) and I reached over and opened the back door (DOOR SFX) and the girl jumped out of the car and I grabbed her (SS REACT)
GK: Just as the car disappeared over the edge of the cliff (CAR FALLS OVER CLIFF, AND EXPLODES)-
SS: Wow, thank you so much.
GK: It's my pleasure-
SS: Another three seconds and I would've been barbecue.
GK: Life is like that sometimes.
SS: How can I thank you?
GK: You can't.
SS: Anyway, I totally love your cat.
GK: It's a cougar.
SS: I want you in my next movie.
GK: You got it.
SS: Great. There's a big kissing scene in it.
GK: Fine by me. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Fine by me. No problem. I can do that. Sounds nice.
SS (DEEP, OFF): Guy? It's Lola. Your cleaning lady? Hello? (KNOCKING) Hello-hello-open up--
GK: And suddenly I was back in reality, smelling the Lysol. (BRIDGE). It was noon, I needed some coffee, and I needed it badly, so I peeled myself off the couch and headed downstairs to the little coffee shop on the first floor, the Infinite Drip. (ESPRESSO). And I noticed I had 4 messages on my cell phone.
(BEEP)
SS (SUGAR): Guy, it's Sugar. Hey listen, I just called to make sure you weren't standing there with a coat hanger in your hand and wondering how to strangle yourself with it because if you are, I can help you, Guy. So give me a call, okay?
(BEEP)
TR (RICO): Hey Guy. It's me, Rico. Pick up. Hey pick up if you're there. I got a moneymaker for you. Guy here from Chicago wants somebody to follow his girlfriend around and help her carry the shopping bags. Big cabbage here. Give me a call.
(BEEP)
SS (JIGGS): We're calling Guy Noir now -- and this is our jackpot question on Midday Merry-go-Round -- $1200 if you can tell us: what was the name of Robinson Crusoe's right-hand man? Guy Noir? You have twenty seconds -- Robinson Cru (BEEP)
TR (JIMMY): Hey Guy, it's Jimmy down at the Five Spot. Listen, there's some dame in a black dress who's sitting here. Asking about Guy the Detective. Tall girl with dark hair. I don't know. Might wanna check it out. So. Call me back.
(HANGUP)
(BEEP)
(ESPRESSO MACHINE)
SS (TEEN): So what do you want?
GK: Single latte.
SS (TEEN): What kinda milk you want?
GK: Just regular, please.
SS (TEEN): You mean 2%?
GK: Regular. Whole milk.
SS (TEEN): Whole milk isn't regular. It's fatty.
GK: Fine. Whole milk.
SS (TEEN): 2% is regular. Between whole milk and skim.
GK: Can you hold on a second?
SS (TEEN): Sure. Whatever. (ESPRESSO ROUTINE)
(DIALING CELLPHONE, RING, PICKUP, VOICE ON PHONE)
GK: -- Is this the Midday Merry-go-Round show? Listen, my name is Noir, and you just called me with a quiz question, and the answer is-- (VOICE ON PHONE) Okay. I'll hold. Sure. No problem.
SS (TEEN): Hey, you wanna see something funny? (CAT MEWLING, OFF)
GK: Not really, no.
SS (TEEN): It's a singing cat. It's funny.
GK: You have a singing cat on your phone?
SS (TEEN): It's a Youtube video (CAT MEWLING) Oh my god. That's hilarious. You should see it.
GK: I'm on the phone. Okay?
(CAT SINGING, OFF)
SS (TEEN): Who are you talking to?
GK: Radio station.
SS (TEEN): Oh. You in radio?
GK: Good god, no. Do I look like-- (VOICE ON LINE) What? Excuse me. What you say? (VOICE ON LINE) I'm waiting to answer a quiz question. (VOICE) Midday-Merry-go-Round. (VOICE) My name is Noir. N-o-i-r. (VOICE) No, it's N-o-i-r. Guy. (VOICE) Guy. G-u-y. (VOICE) Okay, but there's some sort of time limit-- so could you tell them to hurry? (VOICE) Okay, sure. Thanks.
(HE HUMS) What you doing with your telephone?
(DIFFERENT SINGING CAT)
SS (TEEN): Different cat. A funnier one.
GK: Good. Enjoy yourself.
SS (TEEN): With subtitles.
GK: On your cellphone?
SS (TEEN): Yeah. Look at it.
GK: I don't want to look at it.
SS (TEEN): What is your problem?
(CLICK. VOICE)
GK: Yes, I'm still waiting. Noir. N-o-i-r. No. Not M. N. (VOICE) Okay. I'm holding.
TR (LOUD): No you can. Listen to me, Glen. You can make money when the market's going down. You can. You just have to know what you're doing. (HE CONTINUES, OFF)
GK: Who is that?
SS (TEEN): Customer.
TR (LOUD): Listen. Glen. Don't panic. This thing is temporary. It's a global economy. Hang onto your pants.
GK: You mind, mister?
TR (LOUD): Hang on, someone's beeping me here--
GK: You mind taking your cellphone outside? Huh?
TR (LOUD): I'm hearing some kind of crosstalk on the line-- interference or something--
(VOICE FADES)
GK: Wait a sec-this is the good part-- (SINGING CAT, SS CHUCKLES)
GK: Is there anyone else back there who could help me?
SS: No.
(CLICK, VOICE)
GK: Excuse me. Yeah? (VOICE) What do you mean time is up? I've been on hold fifteen minutes here.
(VOICE) Friday. The answer is Friday.
TR (LOUD): Today is Saturday, pal.
GK: Shut up. (VOICE) No, I wasn't talking to you. Friday was Robinson Crusoe's (VOICE) -- but that's not fair. I called in plenty of time-- (CLICK). Boy, there is a lot of cruelty going around in January.
SS (TEEN): Here's your latte.
TR (LOUD, ON PHONE): Hang on Glen I'm getting another call here. Hello? Dr. Brown, right. Uh huh. -- Uh huh. A urine test? Because of the rash. Uh huh. You're breaking up. I said the rash!!! Big red rash!!! Where????
GK: I think I need to go.
SS (TEEN): You want me to send you the link to the cats?
GK: Listen, I gotta run. Got a phone call to make.
(BRIDGE)
GK: So I went back up to my office, and I called Jimmy about that girl.
TR (JIMMY, ON PHONE): The dark-haired girl waiting for you at the bar? Reading Pablo Neruda?
GK: She was reading Pablo Neruda?
TR (JIMMY, ON PHONE): She was. But she's right here. You wanna talk to her?
(A BEAT)
GK: Sure.
TR (JIMMY, ON PHONE): Okay, fine. Here she is.
(FUMBLING WITH PHONE)
SS (ON PHONE): Hello?
GK: This is Guy Noir. Jimmy told me you were looking for me.
SS (ON PHONE): Who?
GK: Jimmy. The bartender.
SS (ON PHONE): No, who are you?
GK: I'm Guy Noir, Private Investigator.
SS (ON PHONE): Uh huh. And?
(A BEAT)
GK: Jimmy said you were asking for Guy the detective. That's me.
SS (ON PHONE): No, we were talking about a Guy's perspective. On you know, dating and whatnot.
GK: Oh. My mistake.
SS (ON PHONE): Sorry about that.
GK: Don't be. Take care. Bye-(HANGUP, GK SIGH)
(BRIDGE)
GK: So I sat there in the dark and I tried to remember who she might be and before I knew it (GULLS, SURF) I was back on that beach and (HORSES TROT BY) and it was beautiful and that girl in the tiny tiny bathing suit was there.
SS (TEEN): Can I have your autograph, Mr. Depp?
GK: Glad to oblige.
SS (TEEN): It's spelled D-e-p-p. Two p's.
GK: Oh. Right. I thought you said Depth.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.