(WESTERN THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by biodegradable Frisbees. Bored on the trail? Just throw one of our biodegradable Frisbees (WHOOSH)- Biodegradable Frisbees are made out of 100% cow flop. So you never have to get off your horse to retrieve it. It sinks where it lands, and that's where it stays. And it's good for the environment. Biodegradable Frisbees. Available in packages of 10. And now-The Lives of the Cowboys.
(HORSES HOOVES, TROTTING)
GK: Yellow Gulch looks mighty festive for Christmas, don't it-- Howdy-- (VOICE, OFF) -- lights on the saloon, the livery stable, the assay office. (SINGING, OFF: FA LA LA LA) Look -- carolers are singing at the jail.
TR: Hope they quit singing by the time I get in my cell. I want a good night's sleep.
GK: You're aiming to be in jail tonight.
TR: That's my goal. Just not sure whether I'll go the public nuisance route or the lewd and indecent route.
GK: Well, I'm headed for the hotel up yonder. Get me a bath with those nice scented soaps they got now. And shave and put on clean clothes.
TR: You're not applying for a job, are you?
GK: Nope.
TR: Not going to join the church or anything like that--
GK: Nope. Just wanna be clean.
TR: Wait a cotton-picking minute. Whoa. (HORSES STOP) This the place where you had that-
GK: No--
TR: Yeah it is. This is where you had that thing with the schoolmarm, isn't it?
GK: She was only a friend.
TR: Sure it is. Yvonne Beebalo. That's her name, isn't it?
GK: Her name is Evelyn. Not that it matters.
TR: Aha. I knew it. You're on the prowl.
GK: I am not.
TR: You got your cap set for that Yvonne Beebalo.
GK: Evelyn. No, sir. If I see her I see her. If I don't I don't.
TR: Let me give you some advice, Lefty. Don't get your heart broken by some woman who you're just gonna have to say goodbye to anyway. Try one of those dance hall floozies. You love em and leave em. Just the way it was meant to be.
GK: I want a woman who can talk about books--
TR: I want a woman who can do more than just talk. And what those floozies know, you can't get out of books.
GK: I like a woman who's well-read.
TR: I like a woman who's, well-- ready. C'mon. Let's head into the saloon here.
GK: I'm heading for the hotel--
TR: Just one drink. Come on. (DOOR OPENS, SALOON WHOOPS, GLASSES DRINKING, CAMPTOWN RACES, FOOTSTEPS TO THE BAR)
SS: (DEEP): Evening, boys. What can I bring you?
TR: Shot of whiskey for me, Lulubelle. And a sarsaparilla for my friend.
SS: (DEEP): Ain't seen you for a long time, Dusty. Where you been?
TR: Been on the road from Tedium Flats to Oblivion Falls.
SS: (DEEP): I know it well. Two drinks coming up!
(CAMPTOWN RACES CONTINUES)
GK: Hey-- piano player-- you hear me? Piano player??? You're playing too loud.
(PIANO STOPS)
RD: What you say?
GK: You're playing too loud.
RD: I've been playing this way for twenty-seven years. You're the first person ever to complain.
GK: That's cause I'm the first sober person to set foot in here. And don't you know anything but "Camptown Races"?
RD: "Camptown Races"??? That was "I Got Rhythm".
GK: Mister, you don't have rhythm, and you don't have a very good memory, either.
(SLOW HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, SHUSHING VOICES, APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS. THEN STOP.)
FN: (DEEP UNINTELLIGIBLE BASS)
GK: Who's he?
SS: (DEEP): That there is Big Messer.
FN: (DEEP UNINTELLIGIBLE)
SS: (DEEP): He says he likes the piano playing just the way it is.
GK: Okay, fine. Just offering my opinion. I'm heading uptown anyway.
FN: (DEEP UNINTELLIGIBLE BASS)
GK: What's he want now?
SS: (DEEP): He wants you to dance.
GK: Me? I don't dance. (THREE GUNSHOTS) Well, sure. Why not? (TAP DANCE, AS PIANO STRIKES UP "TEA FOR TWO" THEN INTO BRIDGE.....)
(FOOTSTEPS ON BOARDWALK)
FN: (OLD MAN): Evening, stranger. You look like you're looking for somebody.
GK: You ever hear of a woman named Evelyn Beebalo?
FN: (OLD MAN): Evelyn Beebalo? Why of course. She's the Lyberian in these parts.
GK: And where would I find the library?
FN: (OLD MAN): You're standing right in front of it.
GK: It's open?
FN: (OLD MAN): She always stays open late at night.
GK: Thank you, sir. (FOOTSTEPS. STOP. DOOR EASES OPEN. CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. STOP. GK THROAT CLEAR)
SS: Yes? -- Oh! You startled me. -- Lefty?
GK: Hi, Evelyn.
SS: I thought I saw you ride into town.
GK: Just came in this afternoon.
SS: I was eating dinner in the cafe with Steve and I looked out and saw you riding by. I guess that was Dusty with you.
GK: Yeah.
SS: How's Dusty doing?
GK: Oh, about the same as always. Nice library you got here.
SS: Well, I do the best I can. Not a whole lot of readers here in Yellow Gulch.
GK: Right.
SS: Boy, it's been a while, hasn't it?
GK: Going on five years now.
SS: More like ten.
GK: Maybe so. You still look wonderful.
SS: And you look-rugged, as always.
GK: Yeah. We've been on the trail for months now.
SS: What happened to you, Lefty? I wrote you letters and I never heard anything back. I thought you might be dead out there on the trail. Vultures picking your ribs apart.
GK: I wrote you, Evelyn. I wrote you every single day.
SS: I never got a letter.
GK: I wrote them and then I re-read them and they seemed too pitiful and unworthy so I--
SS: So you what?
GK: I never sent them.
SS: Oh.
GK: Except for a Christmas card.
SS: I got that.
GK: And a sonnet I wrote you. The first letters of the lines spelled out your name, Evelyn A. Beebalo.
SS: I never got that.
GK:
Evening falls and the shadows of the cactus
Velvet-like stand whispering the name of Evelyn.
Everywhere I wander, the simple fact is
Love keeps haunting me and bedevilin.
SS: It never got to me. But I did get your letter saying that it was hopeless and you and I could never be together.
GK: Oh. So that one got through. Huh. So who is Steve?
SS: He's the sheriff. And he's my fiance.
GK: Oh. Your fiance.
SS: He's a wonderful man.
GK: I'm sure.
SS: I hope you get to meet him before you leave town.
TR: Sure. Why not? (SPUR FOOTSTEPS) Hello, darling. Evenin, mister. Evelyn tells me you and she were good friends at one time.
GK: Yes.
TR: Well, all I can say is, I was darn lucky to get me a girl like her. She is the smartest woman and the prettiest and the lovingest woman I ever knew....
SS: Ah, now you're making me blush.....
TR: Why, when she sits in my lap and puts her arms around me, I forget I'm the sheriff and I'm just like a schoolboy.
SS: He is so sweet.
TR: I can't wait to marry her. I cannot wait!!!
GK: When is your wedding?
TR: We were talking about New Year's but heck, we could make it tomorrow if we wanted.
SS: You got a song you could sing at our wedding, Lefty?
GK: Sure. I reckon I do. You want "The Wind Beneath My Wings" or "Ave Maria" ? (BRIDGE)
TR: Well, I failed in my attempt to get a bed in jail, Lefty. I was a public nuisance up one side and down the other but I guess the sheriff was otherwise occupied.
GK: Guess so.
TR: So I came up to your hotel room.
GK: That's okay. (HE STRUMS)
TR: You headed for bed soon?
GK: No. I'm writing a song.
TR: Well, if you're not using the bed, mind if I do?
GK: Go right ahead. (TR SETTLES IN, SQUEAK OF BEDSPRINGS)
GK:
Marry her beneath the willow,
'Neath the weeping willow tree;
I'll hang myself from the branches
,
Cause she chose you instead of me.
You tell me it's your wedding day,
Here's a gift for your trousseau
And marry him beneath the willow,
And see my boots swing to and fro.
I've thought of you most every night
And sighed with every breath
But marry him beneath the willow
So you can hear me choke to death.
Plant on my grave a snow-white lily,
To show that my love flowered
And then go riding down life's trail,
With that dirty little coward.
(DUSTY SNORING)
Marry her beneath the willow,
'Neath the weeping willow tree;
Ignore the pale white corpse that is hanging there
O shed no tears for me.
(DUSTY SNORING)
,
(THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Cowboy Cactus Fritters. It's the breakfast that wakes you right up.