Garrison Keillor: Good to be in Charlotte, so many memories -- I think of Charlotte the neighbor girl back when we were ten and eleven years old and we boys hung out in the ravine and fought the Civil War. It was a secret ravine in behind the houses on McKinley Street and the Civil War was a glorious war. (HORSES, DISTANT ARTILLERY, SHOUTS)
GK: What is the enemy location, Lieutenant?
Tim Russell: They're camped a hundred yards yonder, beyond that garage, sir.
GK: What garage do you refer to, sir?
TR: The one with the cars parked by it. -- Oh. Excuse me.
GK: Cars?
TR: I'm sorry, sir.
GK: Those are not cars. Cars!
TR: Right, sir.
GK: Those are Confederate supply wagons, Lieutenant.
TR: Yes, sir.
GK: Blow them up.
TR: Yes, sir. -- (OFF) BLOW UP THE WAGONS! (BIG EXPLOSIONS)
(BRIDGE)
(CANNON, HORSES, CONTINUE UNDER)
GK: We were very happy in the mid-19th Century. We liked it better than the 1950s in many ways. We loved fighting for the Union, knowing that it would win in the end.
Sue Scott: Hey what are you doing?
(SILENCE)
TR: No girls. Get out of here.
SS: This isn't your ravine. You don't own this. You're not the boss of me. (STING)
GK: She was an early feminist. She wouldn't move. We tried to shoot her. (GUNFIRE)
SS: Ha. Missed.
TR: You better beat it or else.
SS: Or else what? You going to shoot me with that stick you have in your hand? Oh boy, am I scared.
(STING)
GK: We offered to let her play Civil War and she could be a nurse.
SS: I'm not going to be a nurse. I don't want to touch you. Yechhhh.
GK: So Charlotte sat up behind a tree and watched and we went on playing Civil War and -- I don't know if you did this as a kid, but there was a way of trotting along to show you were on horseback -- you trotted along sort of sideways and you reared up a little and you whinnied (WHINNYING) -- and when she saw that, she laughed. (SS LAUGHTER) And that sort of killed off the Union Army right there. Laughter. (BRIDGE)
GK: In sixth grade Charlotte argued for the Baltimore oriole over the loon as the state bird for Minnesota, and everybody said you couldn't have a bird called the Baltimore oriole as the Minnesota state bird, and she lost, by a vote of 29-2, her and her friend Carol, and that was the last I saw of Charlotte. I guess they moved away. Perhaps to Baltimore. (BRIDGE) I was sort of in love with Charlotte, though of course I couldn't say so at the age of ten, and maybe that's why I came here to go to college.
SS: In Charlotte?
GK: Near here.
SS: I thought you went to the University of Minnesota.
GK: Later. I had to come down here for an eye operation because when we played Civil War I had gotten poked in the eye with a sharp stick and I came here to John Hopkins for an operation.
SS: But that's in Baltimore.
GK: I know that now. But I came down here and there was a surgeon named Jack Hopkins who did the operation on his kitchen table.....I lay on the table looking up at the ceiling.
TR (CLINK OF INSTRUMENTS): I'm going to just snip a little tiny piece out of your eyeball for the biopsy, Carson. Hold still. This will sting a little bit. Don't blink. (DOG BARK) Shuddup!!!! -- Okay. Look straight up and I'll just take a little snip with these scissors. Hold still. I don't want you to jerk and I wind up plunging the scissors right into your eyeball. That wouldn't be good, would it. No. This will just sting a little and you'll feel an intense burning sensation but it'll go away in fifteen or twenty minutes. If you do scream out loud suddenly, that's all right -- perfectly okay -- so long as your body doesn't jerk spasmodically, okay? Okay, good. (DOG WHINE) Quit begging, Rex. Your food's right where it always is. Right there, on the surgery tray.-- Okay.
TR: I'm going to just snip some of that tissue off your eyeball. When I do, you may see flashes of light and your legs may fly up in the air, and so we're going to give you an injection of Novocaine right there in the middle, okay? Steady.....steady......Hey! get off the table! (CHICKEN FLURRY)
(BRIDGE)
GK: My eyesight never really recovered and so I couldn't find my way back up north, couldn't read the road signs, and I went to college here. Barber college.
SS: You went to barber college?
GK: No, it was Barber College. A Bible college. Named for Bubba Barber, the barbecue king.
SS: Where is Barber Bible?
GK: In Babylon.
SS: Babylon--
GK: Just outside Charlotte. On the Barabbas River. It's the hometown of Bubba's wife Bathsheba. I went because I loved bobsledding.
SS: You were a blind boy and you went bobsledding?
GK: Bobsledding is better if you're blind. I also went to Barber Bible to meet babes. Bible bimbos.
SS: What was your major?
GK: I majored in Satan Studies.
SS: At Barber Bible College?
GK: They had an excellent Beelzebub Department. And that's where I met Bubbles. She was a barbaric bare-breasted woman. We were bobbing for apples in the Garden of Eden and --
SS: And came back to Babylon?
GK: No, I came back to Charlotte. I had an offer of a job in radio on an afternoon music program called Charlotte Charmaine, Hostess of Song......
(CHORD)
SUZY BOGGUSS: (SINGS) Somewhere, somewhere
Beautiful isle of somewhere.....
GK: And now once again Thompson Tooth Tinsel for brighter more festive teeth brings you Charlotte Charmaine, Hostess of Song, singing songs requested by you, our faithful listeners. Here's a letter from a listener in Charlotte, Charlotte, who is suffering from a bad skin condition. He ate a bad batch of catfish and now he actually has fish scales all over his body. His skin is all scaly and he has to be kept moist at all times so he lives in a children's plastic swimming pool in the basement, lying in tepid water, and his only entertainment is the radio, and he'd like to hear you sing, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" --
SUZY: Okay. This is for you, little boy in the swimming pool. (PIANO) (SHE SINGS)
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
GK: And that's what happened to her. She wanted to go on and become a big star and she did, and me-- I showed up late for work one day and they fired me (
FN: Yer outta here! (DOOR SLAM) and I had to hitchhike (TRAFFIC PASSING) and I was heading for California but there was a thunderstorm (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) and nobody will give you a ride when you're wet so -- (TRAIN WHISTLE) I had to hop a freight and unfortunately it was heading up to Minnesota (BLIZZARD) and I had to find a job up there -- at Starbucks -- (ESPRESSO) -- and meanwhile Charlotte went on to bigger and better things --
TR: And now, singing this year's Grammy Award Winning Song is this year's Singer of the Year-- Charlotte Charmaine-- (HIP HOP GROOVE)
SUZY (SINGS):
You move me, you move me
You move me so much
You move me, you move me
You move me so much
You move me, you move me
I love your touch.
You move me so much.
Huh huh huh huh
Inasmuch
I don't want to budge.
I love you so much.
GK: So that's why I came down here today. She lives in a mansion outside town. (WATER SPRINKLERS) I walked over there-- the sprinklers were on. (BIG DOG BARKS) A Rottweiler was patrolling the yard. I pressed the intercom. (BEEP)
SUZY (ON INTERCOM): Yeah?
GK: Charlotte?
SUZY: Yeah?
GK: Remember me? Carson? From the Hostess of Song show?
SUZY: No, I don't.
GK: Big tall guy. Poor eyesight. I was your announcer.
SUZY: What do you want?
GK: Just wanted to say hello.
(PAUSE)
SUZY: Hello.
GK: Hi.
(MUSIC PLAYOFF)