Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by 409, maker of Bug Repellant and also the brand-new Bug Bait made from Bee Butts.
GK: With Memorial Day we come into family picnic season with all that that involves -- mosquitoes (BUG, SLAP, BUG) and other people's dogs (WOOFING) and people's CD players (HIPHOP BEAT, BASS) and stray Frisbees (FLIGHT OF FRISBEE, SMACK IN FACE), and the odd wayward volleyball (
SS: Heads up! SMACK IN NOSE) and then there's the smoke of barbecues (COUGHING) which does not unfortunately drive away mosquitoes (BUG) and let's not forget food poisoning (GROAN OF STOMACH UPSET) and have you ever been stung by a mosquito just as you were about to vomit (BUG, NAUSEA). And that's not the worst of it. There's also the danger of old uncles--
Tim Russell (JOWLY, GROWLY): Hi there young fella. Long time, no see.
GK: Uncle Art in his big straw hat and yellow sportcoat and white shoes and the carnation in the lapel.
TR (JOWLY, GROWLY): Nice day. They said it might rain, but I don't know about that. I suppose it could. I mean, it always can. You never know. Seems kinda unlikely to me, though. But they said it might, so -- who knows? Course they've been wrong before. (HE CHUCKLES) Yep. -- I remember a day like this -- I think it was back in '58 -- (FADING) or it might've been '59 -- I know it wasn't '60 cause that was the year we didn't have the picnic-- it was '58 -- well, no, now that I think of it It was '57 -- anyway -- (COUGHING) Whoa. Lotta smoke there.
GK: Uncle Art is a big reason why you eat standing up at the picnic, so he can't sit down next to you and you're trapped for the next 45 minutes--
TR (JOWLY, GROWLY): Yeah, I never will forget that. It was just like today and we were having the picnic here -- or maybe it was at Nokomis-- I'm not sure -- one or the other -- we held it at Nokomis a couple years but I think that that particular year it -- well, you know I think it might've been 1956 I'm talking about and you know why I say that? (FADING) Because your dad always drove a brand new Chevy and in '57 the Chevies had those tailfins, don't you know--(DISTANT WOOFING) and I don't remember the tailfins on his car that year -- I'm about 90 percent certain it woulda been in 1956 -- or maybe 75 percent certain...anyways...
GK: You see Uncle Art looming toward you and your afternoon is pretty well shot. And that's when you want 409 Bug Bait made from Bee Butts-- it attracts mosquitoes, horseflies, deerflies, bumblebees, hornets, and fire ants-- just spray a little (SPRITZ) on Uncle Art's big hat and back away slowly--
TR (JOWLY, GROWLY): Actually, those '57 Chevies came out in the summer, so maybe this was 1955 I'm talking about -- anyway (MOSQUITO) this was a day like today-- (HE FIGHTS OFF BUGS, FLIES, A BEE, WHILE TRYING TO TALK) ...and I remember your dad telling me -- he said, he thought it might rain -- and I bet him fifty cents or a dollar that it wouldn't -- I forget which -- anyway, this was back when a dollar was worth something -- yessir -- dang these bugs are biting today -- so anyway -- we were standing around and this cloud came up in the sky -- how come they're just biting me? -- and this cloud come over -- and it looked like it was going to rain and then it didn't -- no sir -- Godfrey Daniel, what in the Sam Hill is going on around here? (GUNSHOTS)-I'm gonna get in my car.
It's 409 Bug Bait made from Bee Butts. useful in all sorts of social situations. Ask for it by name.
Sue Scott (JINGLE):
When you have pests who you hate
Try 409 Bug Bait.