(PHONE RINGS, PICKUP)
Garrison Keillor: Hello?
Sue Scott (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello. It's your mother, Carson. Remember?
GK: Hi mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Are you ok? You don't sound quite right.
GK: I'm on the air. I'm doing a show.
Sue Scott (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, no wonder you don't sound right. You're probably scared senseless. --I just wanted to make sure you don't get in trouble by saying some creepy stupid thing on the air that makes people think you lost your marbles. I mean, it can happen.
GK: I'm aware of that, Mother.
SS (ON PHONE): I'm just so worried about you. You've been doing that show for so long, you probably don't know how to do anything else. You know what I mean? Your job skills deteriorate. If they fired you, you'd probably have to take a job in retail--
GK: I'm fine, Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You'd wind up working in a bookstore or something. So just be careful. Will you promise me that?
GK: I will. I promise.
SS: I mean it.
(BEEP)
GK: I've got a call coming in here, mother. Call waiting.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Call waiting? Well let them wait. You're already on the phone.
GK: I have to get it, mom. This could be somebody --(CLICK) Hello? --
Tom Keith (ON PHONE): Is this the Wyler residence?
GK: No, it's my work number.
TK (ON PHONE): This'll just take a minute of your time, Mr. Wyler. I'm calling in behalf of the Split Level Foundation. As I'm sure you know--
GK: You're raising money, aren't you.
TK (ON PHONE): ...all about the devastation caused every year by frost --
GK: You're a fundraiser. Right?
TK (ON PHONE): Just let me tell you about the problems of people in suburban homes who...
GK: You're trying to raise money. Right?
TK (ON PHONE): Yes, I am. --We need your help. If you could just contribute a hundred dollars -- that's less than the cost of a cup of Starbucks every day for the next month--
(CLICK)
GK: Mom?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (OFF) --use the little bags-that's what they're for-they're under the sink, next to the Liquid Plumber. -- Well, look for them. I know they're there. I just put them --
GK: Mom? Sorry. I'm back--
SS (ON PHONE): Are you okay? You don't sound right.
GK: Was there something you called about, Mom?
SS: (ON PHONE) Yes, there is. -- I got an idea for your show the other day. I was thinking, Why not have a segment on your show called "Party Line" where you'd play recordings of people's phone conversations? You know what I mean?
GK: No, I don't.
SS (ON PHONE): You know -- like back when we had party lines -- in the country -- and you could pick up the phone and listen to your neighbors talking on the phone-- it was fun.
GK: You mean, illegally tape people's phone conversations and play the most embarrassing and shameful parts for the amusement of the general public -- is that what you're talking about, Mom?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, you don't have to bite my head off. It was only an idea. You've got to do something, Carson. A radio show coming from a jerkwater town like St. Paul -- how long is that going to be interesting to people?
GK: Mother--just because you live in Minneapolis doesn't mean you have to lord it over me.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Has anybody offered you another movie role?
GK: No, but--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I didn't think they would. I saw you in that movie last summer and I said to your father, I said, I don't think this is going to be full-time work for him--
GK: (SIGH)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I don't mean to be critical.
(BEEP)
GK: Can you hold for just a second, mother? (CLICK) Hello?
TR (TEEN, ON PHONE): Yeah, is Madison there?
GK: You have a wrong number.
TR (TEEN ON PHONE): This isn't Madison's house?
GK: It's not. It's a radio show.
TR (TEEN, ON PHONE): Who is this?
GK: It's "A Prairie Home Companion". Okay? Bye.
TR (TEEN, ON PHONE): Never heard of it!!!
GK: Good. I'm glad.
TR (TEEN, ON PHONE): Hey, what's with the attitude?
GK: Goodbye.
(CLICK)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (OFF) Because it's a broiler. It gets hot--
GK: Mother?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh, good, you're back, Carson. I was talking to your dad. You want to talk to him?
GK: Sure.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well here he is-
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello son.
GK: Hi dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Everything going ok out there?
GK: Yep, pretty good dad. Can't complain.
TR (MIDWESTERN): You getting snow out there?
GK: Dad, I'm in St. Paul. I'm about ten miles from you.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, that's good to hear. Talk to you later, then.
GK: Bye dad.
(PAUSE)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): That was your father, Carson.
GK: I know, mom.
SS (ON PHONE): It meant a lot to him to talk to you, I hope you know that. He talks about you all the time. He's been looking forward to this all day.
GK: Okay.
SS (ON PHONE): We sure wish you'd come and visit. .
GK: I will.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You say you will and you don't. I don't know when you came over here last--
GK: Mother--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): But don't listen to me -- why not just put me on a raft, Carson. Put me on a raft and light it on fire and let it float down the river. Watch me burn. Better that than what I'm going through right now--worried sick about you getting fired from your show for saying some wild lunatic thing and spewing hatred and venom and so forth and you're out on your ear....no health, no medical....having to work eight-hour days in a bookstore.....trying to work one of those computerized cash registers -- you'd never be able to do that, honey.
GK: Mother--
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh no, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I--
(BEEP)
GK: I have to get this mother.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): One minute you're here, and the next you're gone-
GK: Sorry--I have to take this call mother. (CLICK)
GK: Hello?
SS (NEW YORK): Mr. Wyler?
GK: Yes?
SS (NEW YORK): It's Jessica. At National Public Radio.
GK: Oh, right. Sure. I was hoping to hear from you. -- Listen-- I've got someone on the other line, let me get rid of them, and I'll come right back--
SS (NEW YORK): This won't take long, Mr. Wyler-- (A BEAT) Could you try not to leave so many long pauses in your show? It confuses people. They think your show is over. Is your show on right now, Mr. Wyler?
(A BEAT)
GK: I think it is. Yes--
SS (NEW YORK): Try to keep things rolling along, okay? Keep a nice pace. Just keep talking. And why not a little conflict now and then? You know what I mean? Something edgy. Why not? Just now and then. You come out with something and people are going, Whoa-- did he just say what I think he said??? You know what I mean?
GK: Sure. I guess so.
SS (NEW YORK): Were you aware that Robert Siegel is developing a Saturday evening variety show -- it's called "Siegel!!!" With three exclamation marks. "Siegel!!!"
GK: Robert Siegel the news guy?
SS (NEW YORK): It's very exciting. Getting a lot of buzz. We're taking a close look at it. Your contract is up for renewal in the spring, you know.
GK: I'm aware of that.
SS (NEW YORK): It's spring, Carson.
GK: I know that. (CLICK) Hello? Hello? Jessica? Hello?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Carson? Is that you?
GK: Mother?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Who were you just talking to, Carson?
GK: I'll tell you later, Mom. I've got to run and do a show.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): But--
GK: I've got to do a show, Mom. My contract is up. I've got to get to work now. Okay?
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): All right, but--
GK: I don't want to have to work in retail, Mom.
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, that's what I was saying--Are you doing your show now?
GK: I am.
SS (ON PHONE): Why is it so quiet? Is there an audience there? Did they all go out for coffee or something?
GK: They're waiting for something to happen, Mom. I've got to go. (BAND STARTS VAMP)
SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Okay. Bye now.
GK: Bye now.
SS: Talk to you later then.
GK: Talk to you later then.
SS: Bye now.
GK: Bye, Mom.
(SINGS, WITH BAND)
Hey folks, this is a show
It ain't a book club or the P.T.O.
We got comedy and music wall to wall
We got girls who don't wear much at all.
It comes from the prairie but it ain't flat
We'll knock your socks off and your hat
You want bad taste? Hey, we got that
After all, it's radio.
Here I am, your dynamic host
Entertaining from coast to coast
It's April, it's spring, in the Midwest,
So what the hey, let's get undressed.
We'll shake our hinders, shake our mitts,
Shake our -- and give the censors fits.
Inhibitions, just let 'em go
It's R-a-d-i-o.
TR (BARKER): Yowsa yowsa yowsa...it's the hottest show in radio today...The Home On The Prairie.....you won't believe your ears.....come right in....hurra hurra hurra...it's astonishing....it's shocking.....it's the show you know you shouldn't tune it in and yet you do, again and again and again.....step right up, step right up.....the show is continuous the show never stoop...
GK: INHIBITIONS, JUST LET EM GO
It's R-a-d-i-o.
TR: Children under 12 not allowed to listen. I repeat: children under twelve: absolutely not allowed. (BAND BUTTON)