(HEROIC BUGLES, THEME)
(GEESE HONKING, WINGS FLAPPING)
Tim Russell (ANNC): As spring returns to the north, high in the clear blue sky appear formations of Canada geese beating their way northward toward their breeding grounds. Year after year they migrate north along the same flyways, guided by an unerring navigational sense imprinted in their very being. What is it like to be a goose on the northward journey? Let's find out today on...THE CALL OF THE NORTH. (THEME FADE, WINGS FLAPPING)
Sue Scott: Are we almost there? My wings are tired. Why don't we stop here?
Garrison Keillor: We can't stop here.
SS: Why not?
GK: We're not meant to stop here. Our DNA doesn't say to stop here.
SS: I'm exhausted. And I'm sick of these jerks behind me honking and honking-- (OFF) Shuddup!!! I'm doing the best I can!!!!
GK: We can't stop because that's a river down there. The river is moving. We'd be swept downstream, we'd lose all the mileage we've picked up today. And it's a city. There's traffic. It's dangerous.
TR: It's St. Paul. It's not that busy.
GK: I know it's St. Paul-- don't tell me where I am -- I know.
SS: I'm tired, O Leader of the Flock.
TR: So am I. So are we all--
GK: What are you doing here?
TR: What?
GK: You're out of formation. Get back there.
TR: Why? We're all going to the same place.
GK: We're Canada Geese-- we're supposed to form a V.
TR: So we're forming an M. For Minnesota. What's your problem?
GK: Get back there. (HONKS)
SS: I need to go to the bathroom. Really bad. I really really need to go.
GK: Then go.
SS: Up here?? Just cut loose?
TR: Bombs away!!! I do it all the time!!!
SS: It's easier for boys than it is for girls.
GK: You know, you're crowding me-- (FLAPPING) you're climbing up my back-- do you mind?
TR: I've been talking to some of the other geese back there and they're in favor of stopping for the night.
GK: Get back there. Get back there. You are out of formation. (JET APPROACHING) Oh oh. Airplane come in at 11 o'clock high-- Dive, dive! Dive! (JET PASSES CLOSE OVERHEAD) Boy, that was a close call.
SS: I'll say-- Who's flying lead anyway? You couldn't see that coming?
GK: You know, if the rest of you weren't distracting me--
TR: O glorious leader of our pack, we follow in the flight path, determined by your infinite wisdom--
GK: Don't be sarcastic. I'm doing the best I can.
TR: Oh he of the enormous wingspan, we are privileged to fly in your wake, with our bills in your tail. (HONKING)
GK: You know, if you would get back in formation and form a V, it'd help.
SS: We're tired of always doing it the same way. The annual migration, the same old marshlands, the honking, the flying back and forth, back and forth--mating for life-we want some options--
GK: We're geese. We have the sense that God gave geese, and that's why we do it this way.
TR: You know, it's going to be dark soon.
GK: I'm aware of that.
TR: We're crossing St. Paul now--
GK: I know where I am.
TR: Minneapolis is up ahead. Skyscrapers. Bright lights.
SS: Let's go to a concert. Let's hang out at the mall.
GK: We're not stopping. I told you.
TR: Let's go to a comedy club-- (COMIC) I just flew in from the coast, and boy, are my wings tired!
SS: We never get to stop and do anything. This is stupid. (HONKING)
GK: We're over Minneapolis now. Don't look down.
TR: I'm trying not to--
GK: Don't veer off course.
SS: If we're flying at night, shouldn't we have lights on our tails? -
TR: What is that? Look-- (TRUMPET, OFF) The sky is all bright over there.
SS: Beautiful. What's going on?
TR: Those beams of light-- And look down below!
GK: Don't look down--
TR: There are naked people. Naked people flying. Flying up like rockets.
GK: It's the Rapture. (VOICES PASSING, JOYFUL MURMURS) It's the Second Coming. People are being raptured up into heaven. Looks like more of them from Northeast Minneapolis than south -- almost nobody in Edina -- wow-- look at Anoka-- almost 100%.
TR: Does this mean we go to heaven too, Master?
GK: No, we go to Canada.
SS: Why does it always have to be Canada? Why not Wisconsin?
GK: It's not what we're about, that's why. On! To Canada! (HONKING)
SS: When I'm the leader, I'm going to let everybody make their own choices.
GK: Onward! To Canada!!!!
SS: But why??? Why can't we stop???
GK: We must breed and produce offspring!!!
SS: Men!!! You only think of one thing!!!
GK: Onward!!! To Canada!!!!
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): Onward they fly, migrating north along the flyway, beating their way north.....Canada geese in formation.....high in the clear blue sky.....as spring returns to the north. Join us next time when we visit a family of caribou (ALL: CARIBOU VOCAL) on .....THE CALL OF THE NORTH. (BUGLES)
(THEME OUT)