Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by the ELCA, the Evelyn Lundberg Counselling Agency.
(BIG GLISS AND ROMANTIC VIOLIN)
GK: You're alone in the big city, leading a small tragic life, and you live in a tiny apartment and it's your world, you feel safe there with your stuff, and you forget what it looks like to other people. Until suddenly someone comes in----
(KISSING, UNLOCKING DOOR, FUMBLING WITH KEYS)
Sue Scott: I'm crazy about you Bob.
Tim Russell: I love you.
SS: Ok, hang on a second-(DOOR OPENS) Here we go. Let me get a light-(CLICK)
TR: Wow. You live here?
SS: Right.
TR: Here in this one room, huh?
SS: This is my bedroom. My living room. My closet. And my office-
TR: What are there, like, 400 stuffed animals in here?
SS: You noticed! Oh, you have to meet them-
TR: No, that's ok-
SS: Well this is Muffy, and this is Dingle, and this is Petunia-say hi Petunia (HIGH VOICE) Oh, hello Michelle-who is that nice man you brought home tonight? He's handsome, isn't he? I wonder what he looks like naked--
TR: You know what? It's kind of late.
SS: What?
TR: I have to stop at the grocery and get myself some Vitamin Water.
SS: I have Vitamin Water under my bed! Hang on, let me just move this giant monkey out of the way-OK, move it, Snookie, momma's getting some action.
TR: You know what? It's ok. I just need some air. I feel faint.
SS: Where are you going? Are you coming back?
TR: Uh---no. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAMS) (BRIDGE)
GK: If you've been alone for more than three months, you need to have your apartment inspected by Evelyn Lundberg. Evelyn will come in and give you an independent appraisal. So you don't have to wonder if you're coming across as weird. You'll know.
SS (EVELYN) And these books stacked on the floor. Get em out of there. Who painted this? A friend of yours?
GK: The picture of the clown?
SS (EVELYN) This hideous thing here---- you didn't pay for this, I hope.
GK: No. It was a gift.
SS (EVELYN) Get rid of it. I'd burn that thing if I were you. Leave no trace. What are these papers doing here?
GK: I'm not done reading them.
SS (EVELYN) "Reagan Denies Knowledge Of Arms Deal"? ---- bundle them up and put em in recycling. And the rug too. It looks like somebody died on it. Let's take a look in the bedroom. (FOOTSTEPS) (OFF) Oh my gosh. Don't tell me that's a waterbed... Lord have mercy.
GK: It's spring, and love may be just around the corner, and before love arrives, have Evelyn Lundberg take a look. She'll tell you what she thinks.
SS (EVELYN) Clean your apartment. You know what? Don't clean it. Call a dump truck. It would be faster. I'm just trying to help you.
GK: Evelyn Lundberg... she isn't like other counselors... she tells you what to do.