Garrison Keillor: March is the time of year when people start to get cabin fever. (WIND, SHIVERING). It's still cold, still snowing, and you feel imprisoned and you can't take a vacation and so you go online and start sending Instant Messages to people and revealing intimate details about yourself online.
(TYPING)
Sue Scott: I ate a dog once. A collie. Like Lassie. I was in China. I didn't know what it was. Actually I sort of did. It was good. Oh my gosh. I've never told anyone that before.
(TYPING)
Tim Russell: You think that's bad? I'm driving right now as I'm online. A propane tanker. And I'm legally blind.
SS: Where are you?
TR: No idea. Can't see the road signs.
SS: Pull over and ask get out of the truck.
TR: Can't. I don't have any clothes on.
(STING)
GK: You start and you think you'll just write a few lines. But then you get going and pretty soon you've been at it for an hour and you're hooked.
(TYPING)
SS: I just threw some garbage in my neighbor's bin. And it felt great!
(TYPING)
TR: I just used the toilet and didn't wash my hands. Don't tell anyone.
GK: It starts out innocently and then it snowballs out of control. You sit there typing out your shameful secrets.
(FAST TYPING)
SS: I was abducted by aliens last night. And it was fun.
(FAST TYPING)
TR: I sleep on a bed of marshmallow peeps. It makes me feel safe.
(FAST TYPING)
SS: I get turned on by sod. Big rolls of it. mmmmmm
(FAST TYPING)
TR: I'm a dog trapped in a man's body. I'm having surgery next week.
GK: If this sounds like you, you need to get into Internet Rehab before your life falls apart completely. How does it work? Dr. Judith Flexner--
SS (FLEXNER): Gradualism does not work with this type of addiction. Making limits doesn't work. The only way to cure Internet addiction is to go cold-turkey. (STING)
GK: You'll be flown tourist class to Pakistan and taken on a donkey (HOOVES, WIND) up high into a remote mountainous region where you live in a dirt hovel, no heat or electricity, no cellphone coverage, just goats (GOATS) , and you'll stay there for thirty days and meditate and ever so often strange men with AK47s will walk up and yell at you (TR ARABIC) and you'll eat nothing but goat yoghurt (GLORPS) and some sort of meat on a stick and maybe you'll keep a journal and maybe not. (
TR: What's the point? Nobody's going to read this but me...). And before you know it you're cured.
SS: Huh. There it is. I can walk through a room with a computer in it and not sit down and check e-mail. I don't need to know who's online. It doesn't matter. I have a real true life in the material world, and that's just fine. (INHALE, EXHALE). Thank you, Internet Rehab.
TR (GORE): This is Al Gore and I used to be the next President of the United States. And then I made a movie and I got super fat. And you know why? Because I spent twelve hours a day at the computer. Then I went through rehab and I am now proud to say that I'm tanned, rested, and ready. So bring it on. Hee-yaw.
SS (FLEXNER): Turn off the computer. And turn on to life.
GK: And remember: if you think you have a problem, you probably do.