Garrison Keillor: It's February and it's the Polar Bear Plunge in St. Paul and the thought of it fills you with horror (Tim Russell: Ai yi yi these people must have rocks in their heads) but your daughter comes home from school Sue Scott: Dad? Can I talk to you?) and she's raising money for poor people in foreign countries (SS: This is really really important to me, Dad) and she shows you a video (VIOLIN STARTS UP SLOW SPEED AND THEN UP TO PITCH, HEARTS & ROSES THEME -- TR ANNC: Poor People In Other Lands -- ) and of course it's heartbreaking and she's crying as she tells you -- (SS: I'm raising pledges -- and I've raised $6000 so far -- TR: That's fantastic. Great. I'm proud of you. -- SS: And they're all donating money for you to take the Polar Bear Plunge. TR: WHAAAAAAAAT?) -- You know what she said. Your friends and neighbors-the same people who refuse to pay full price for a corn dog--these people have eagerly shelled out six thousand dollars to see you shuffle half naked out on the ice and dive into freezing water. (TR: No!) For the cause of helping poor people (SS: Daddy, please. It's not for me...It's for them. HEARTS AND FLOWERS VIOLIN. SS; It's to buy a herd of goats for their village. GOATS. SS: Please. We're so privileged and they have nothing. GOATS) So here you are in your swim suit (CHATTERING) in the cold wind, forty below zero wind chill (WIND), with a bunch of idiots (Tom Keith GROWLY: Hey, it's nothing. I do this every year) (SPLASH, SHRIEK). And now it's your turn. So you walk up to the edge of the hole (SNOW CRUNCHING), and your whole body is saying (TR: No no no no no no no) and you see your little daughter in the crowd (SS: My Dad!!! Look! It's My Dad!) and (SPLASH, SHRIEK) you dive in (WHOOSH UNDERWATER) and you go a little too far and you're trapped under the ice (BUBBLES) and it's so cold that your body goes into hibernation (HEARTBEAT SLOWS)-and you sink to the bottom (BUBBLES) into the mud (SQUELCH, SUCKING), down there with the turtles (LOW GROWL) and when you awaken, it's dark and you're surrounded by furry things (LOW ANIMAL GRUNTS AND SQUEAKS) and they're beavers. You're in a beaver hut. And you feel fine. Every time you try to get up, the beavers push you back down and scold you. (BEAVER SCOLDING). They want you to rest. They're kind, hardworking beavers, and they bring you lily pads to eat every night (CHEWING). It's hard to tell, but it seems like they're complimenting you on your hair (BEAVER GRUNTING, GROUP BEAVER ASSENT). One of them rubs your back with its tail before you go to sleep. (TR: Ahhhh). At night they put on plays just for your amusement, some of which are surprisingly good. (BEAVER HAMLET), and they make you a crown out of small sticks. They must think you're some sort of king. It's the first time in your life that you've been taken care of like this-by any sort of mammal--and it feels wonderful. So you sleep and sleep and when you awake, (TR AWAKENING) it's warm and the beavers are gone, and you stand up (CRUNCHING, BREAKAGE) and a girl riding her bike around the lake (GIRL SCREAMS) sees you. And calls the police. (SIREN) And soon you're at the hospital where doctors are checking you over.
TK: You seem to have developed webbed feet, sir. And this--
TR: What is that?
TK: It's a large flat leathery tail. (SLAPS) See?
TR: Oh my gosh...
TK: I see you have also grown some rather large incisors.
TR: I wondered why I kept biting my lip.
TK: Are you hungry?
TR: Yes. Starving.
TK: What can we bring you?
TR: Well--
TK: Go ahead. Say it.
TR: Don't tell anybody.
TK: I won't.
TR: I'd like some fresh bark, please.
TK: We've got winter spruce outside. That ok?
TR: Fine, anything. Just please hurry.
(BRIDGE).
GK: The police take you home and you walk in the front door (DOOR OPENS)--
SS (TEEN): Daddy! Hi.
TR: It's me, honey. I was in hibernation all winter with a family of beavers and -- I'm here-- aren't you going to give me a big hug?
SS (TEEN): What is that hanging down from your butt, Dad?
TR: I'm going to have it removed surgically Monday morning.
SS (TEEN): Ewwwwww. Gross. And your mouth--
TR: I have an appointment with an orthodontist on Wednesday.
SS (TEEN): What have you been eating?
TR: Just some bark. I'll meet with an endocrinologist on Friday.
SS (TEEN): Weird. They never told us about this in school.
TR: That makes two of us.
(A BEAT)
SS: I take after mom, right?
TR: Please. Just give me a chance. I'm still your Dad.
GK: And just then-- you feel a powerful urge to chew the leg of the dining room table--
TR: (EFFORT OF RESISTING URGE)
GK: You want to eat that leg of the table so bad. You kneel on the floor.
TR: I can't resist this.
GK: You have to. Your daughter is watching.
SS: Dad, what are you doing?!? Why are you licking the table?? Mom! Come here quick!
(GNAWING)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? (MUSIC THEME) Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.