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Opening Jokes
My grandfather is hard of hearing so he has to read lips, which I don't mind so much, I just wish he didn't use that yellow highlighter.
A blonde went in the store to buy pink curtains for her computer monitor. The salesman said, "But computers don't need curtains!" She said, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
The real reason you can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of politicians... It creates a hostile work environment.
When I was your age we never thought of doing the things you girls do today "That's why you didn't do them."
A Jewish mother was walking along the ocean, along the beach, with her grandson at her side holding her hand when an enormous wave came sweeping in and caught the little boy and swept him out. She stood in the water up to her knees looking for him, and then she looked up at the sky and she said "God, you can't do that! He means more to me than my own life. You just can't do that, God, give him back." And a big wave sweeps in and brings the little boy in and she picks him up off the sand and she brushes the sand off him, and then she looks up into the sky and she says "He had a hat."
He was the number one laxative salesman in the country, but he was just a regular guy.
A wall street analyst was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said "I have not eaten for three days" The analyst replied "How does that compare with the same period last year"?
Two lawyers walk into the restaurant and they order something to drink. Then they open up their briefcases and they take out their sandwiches. The waiter says "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" and so the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.
Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled?
Because if he was small, white and round, he'd be an aspirin.
A woman went to a dentist to have a tooth pulled and there was instant electricity between the two. They made love right there in his office. She came back week after week after week and they made love over and over and over again. Until one day he told her they'd have to end the affair, as beautiful as it was, because she only had one tooth left.
Why did the pilgrims' pants fall down? - Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.
The Quarterback wanted to call his wife, but he couldn't find the Receiver.
When Einstein died and went to heaven St. Peter met him and said "Can you prove that you really are Albert Einstein?" and Einstein wrote out a whole page of equations. St. Peter said "Okay, I see." Picasso died and St. Peter said "You look like Picasso, but how can I know for sure?" So Picasso drew his masterpieces one after the other. St. Peter said "Alright, that's fine." When George W. Bush died and went to heaven St Peter said "I'm sorry I need to ask you to prove who you are. I mean Albert Einstein proved who he was and Picasso and so I have to ask you." George Bush said "Who is Einstein? Who is Picasso?" St. Peter said "Okay, come on in. It's you. I know you."
Abraham decided to upgrade his PC to Windows '95 and Isaac couldn't believe it. He said, "Dad, your old PC doesn't have enough memory." And Abraham said, "My son, God will provide the RAM."
Bad Jokes Song
Tommy went to confession. He Said "Bless me for I have sinned. " Father Murphy said "With whom? Was it Megan or Marilyn? Was it Brenda, Fiona, or Cathy?" and Tommy just rattled his beads. The priest gave him four Our Father's and also five good leads.
When a woman walks in wearing nothing but bells, a psychologist watches everyone else.
Jim and John had to share a room one night in a hotel and Jim said "I snore so bad I doubt you'll sleep that well. John kissed him on the cheek, said "sweetheart it's alright."
Jim went and sat in the chair and he staid awake all night.
You know the reason that farts smell? So that deaf people can enjoy them as well!
The blonde's went to the drive-in movie late on a February night the movie was called "Closed for the Winter." And they liked the first half alright. But then the movie got kinda boring and there were no drinks or eats and in protest the blondes went mad and they ripped up both the seats.
God created liquor and brew so ugly people can have sex too.
Oh Lord to whom a million years are but a moment's blink, to whom a million dollars are but a single pennies clink. Oh Lord to whom these vast things are so minutely reckoned, could I have a million dollars? God said, "Sure, just a second."
The nice thing about Alzheimer's men, you can enjoy the same jokes again and again.
Well Ole lay on his death bed, he knew he was gonna die. And then he smelled the heavenly smell of Lena's rhubarb pie. He crept downstairs to the kitchen, there it was, he let out a moan. Then Lena whacked him with a broom, that's for the funeral leave that alone.
Women love men who nod their head. They think we're listening to what they said.
Well darling you've always been with me, on life's long bumpy ride. Through sickness, hair loss, bankruptcy you've been here by my side. My heart attack and the house burning down that night the lightning struck and liver cancer and now suddenly I'm starting to think your bad luck
Your mama's fat, a five hundred pounder, got little fat people orbiting round her.
One morning the devil came to church in a burst of smoke and flame. He ran up and down the isle he said, "Beelzebub is my name. I am evil incarnate, the object of all your fears." The old man said "You don't scare me at all, been married to your sister for 48 years."
Viagra's stolen, it's in the news, hardened criminals are on the loose.
When God created woman he gave her not 2 breasts but three. One got in the way so god performed surgery. And woman stood in front of God with the middle breast in her hand. She said, "What shall we do with a useless boob?" and God created man.
More Jokes
John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, "Gross!" The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"
Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?
It's called Raisins D'etre.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum Blown-Apart!
What do you call a beautiful girl on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.
Last fall, they warned about a new form of Gonorrhea. It's called Gonorrhea Lectim.
If it's true that we're here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?
My best friend became addicted to line dancing. It got so bad he had to enter a two step program.
What did the Earth say after the Earth quake? Sorry, my fault.
A Texan oil baron went to the dentist for a check up. "I'm pleased to say your teeth are just fine," said the dentist. "I know," replied the oilman, "but drill anyway. I feel lucky."
A man went to a friend's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back. "What have you come as?" asked his friend. "A snail." "How can you be a snail when all you've got is a girl on your back?" "That's not a girl - that's Michelle."
Why didn't the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish!
A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "I'm sorry we don't serve minors here"... So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?
He said it was no problem -- he could stop any time.
What do you call a doctor who graduated at the bottom of his class?
A doctor.
Why did the urologist lose his license?
He got in trouble with his peers.
There was a computer and printer repair shop that found that they made more money on repairs if they encouraged their customers to try reading the manual and fixing the problems themselves first.
There was once a young man who wanted to become a great writer and to write stuff that millions of people would read and react to on an emotional level, cry, howl in pain and anger, so now he works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There on my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.
I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars.
Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is.
Okay, but they show up even when nobody is standing behind me.
The blond got a present from her boyfriend, a cell phone, and the next day, while she was shopping, the phone rang and it was him. He said, "How do you like your new cell phone?" She said, "I just love it, it fits in my purse, and your voice is so clear. But how did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
I needed some time off from work so I decided to act crazy. I hung upside down from the ceiling and when the boss asked me what I was doing, I said, "I'm a light bulb." "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." I left and my officemate followed me. The boss asked where she was going. She said, "I can't work in the dark." ---- Did I mention she was blonde?
Two men took the test to qualify for a job and both men answered nine out of ten questions correctly, but they gave the job to the first man: he answered Question No. 10 "I don't know" and the other man answered it, "Neither do I."
The teacher asked the little Mexican kid to make up a sentence with the colors green, yellow, and pink in it. He said "The telephone went green, green. I pinked it up and said yellow."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her nineties and had never been married, a sweet old lady, so the pastor was surprised to see, sitting on the keyboard, a condom. He said, "Miss Beatrice, tell me about this." She said, "I found it on the ground when I was walking through the park and it says it prevents the spread of disease, and do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
A carpenter fell off the scaffolding at the building site and he was killed. One of the guys on the crew volunteered to go tell the carpenter's wife. He came back two hours later with a six-pack of beer. "Got it from his wife," he said. "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?' She said, 'no, no, I'm not a widow!' I said: 'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Railroad Bill Song
People say democrats don't stand for anything. That's not true we do stand for anything.
How can a woman rid her house of cockroaches. Just ask them to make a commitment.
Look this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half. - Good; I'd like to buy two.
The statistician lay with his head in the oven and his feet on ice. He said on average he felt fine.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He always thought he was following someone.
Why did ancient Romans close down the Coliseum?
The lions were eating up the prophets.
Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
Why did the dolphin commit suicide?
His said his life had no porpoise
What did one fly say to the other fly?
Hey, fly, your dude is open.
Jokes From Date Script
So all the farm animals are listening to what the horse has to say, and then the dog looks up and says-hey-a talking horse.
Rehab is for quitters
If you can't be kind at least be vague
So these two cannibals are eating a clown. And one clown says to the other clown, "does this taste funny to you?"
Knock knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening, you will meet a stranger. You will meet a stranger across a crowded room
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Jokes From Winter Script
What do you get from sitting too long on the ice - Polaroid's
Knock Knock Song
An angel is talking to God. The angel says, "Look, God. I know that you're all-seeing and all-knowing, but for the knock-knock joke to work, you HAVE to say 'Who's there?'"
Knock knock - Who's there? - Michael - Michael who? - Michael-esterol is high these days
Knock knock - Who's there? - Oscar - Oscar who? - Oscar if she has a sister, I'm a little lonely right now.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Nadia Comaneci- Nadia Comaneci who? -Nadia Comaneci your dinner is getting cold.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Sonia- Sonia who? - Sonia paper moon sailing over the...
Knock knock - Who's there? - Owen. - Owen who? - Owen the Saints come marching in...
Knock knock - Who's there? - Dyslexic - Dyslexic how?
Knock knock - Who's there? - Thesis - Thesis who? - Thesis ridiculous.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Antithesis - Antithesis who? - Antithesis finished I can't think of anything else.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Synthesis - Synthesis who? Synthesis going nowhere I think I better bail.
Knock knock - Who's there? -Minnesota - Minnesota who? - Minnesota bad mood these days.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Boke - Boke Who? - Sorry, I don't speak French
Knock knock - Who's there? - Doris - Doris Who? - Doris locked that's why I'm knocking.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Butcher - Butcher who - Butcher arms around me and gimme a kiss.
Knock knock - Who's there? - Saul - Saul who? - Saul there is there ain't no more. No use knockin' at my door.
Jokes from Monologue
Dyslexics, when it comes down to it, they have more nuf.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up all night debating the existence of Dog?
The dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa.
Listener Jokes
Do you know why one side of the V formation of migrating geese is longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
Both Dolly Parton and the Queen die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the pearly gates and looks in his big book and says "Sorry ladies but there is only room for one of you". Without hesitation Dolly lifts up her sweater and says "These should get me in"!!
A bit taken back St Peter turns to the Queen and without a word she goes to the commode at the pearly gates, lifts her skirt and does a pee and pulls the handle.
Still flashing her bare chest Dolly says "These should still get me in"
Did you hear about the new movie called "Constipated"? It hasn't come out yet.
A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband tying a pair of toothpicks to each pea in a bag of frozen peas with tiny strips of gauze.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asks.
He looks up from what his work and says, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm making splint pea soup."
A few days later she finds him in the kitchen again, this time stabbing potatoes repeatedly with a pencil.
"Now what to you think you're doing?" she asks.
"What else," he answered. "I'm making potato leak soup."
If a Jewish boy marries a Catholic girl, what music do they play at the wedding? Oy Vey Maria.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Our friend Rod Lowe attended a fun party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, he spotted an attractive woman standing alone across the room. When he approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, he responded with "That's beautiful. Is 'Carmen' a family name?"
"No," she said. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world -- cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golf-tits," Rod replied.
Did you hear about the veterinarian who is also a taxidermist? The sign outside his office reads, "Either way, you get your dog back."
Why did Jesus go to Chinatown?
Because he loved Miso.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the deer how it's done.
What do you call a fish without an eye? A Fsh.
Marriage is like a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
What did the bra say to the top hat. You go a head I'll give these two a lift.
Did you hear about the two peanuts on the subway? One of them was a-salted.
Where do boats go when they're sick? The Dock.
If H-2-O in on the inside of a fire hydrant... What is on the inside? K-9-P!
Three trombone players are in a car. Who's driving? The police.
"Henry", the old woman says, "Your fires don't burn as hot as they used to!"
"Martha", he says, "Your flue don't draw the way it used to!"
What's brown and sits on a piano?
Beethoven's last movement
More Jokes
Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House. That's the farthest anyone who wears a dress has gotten since J. Edgar Hoover.
Nanci Pelosi was visiting Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for her to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
Saddam Hussein tells his jailer that he wants to write his memoirs, and he needs a stenographer. The jailer returns with a laptop computer. Saddam says, "I cannot write my own memoirs! I AM A DICTATOR!!"
"Doctor," said the patient. "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me," the doctor replies. "Is that common?"
"It's not unusual."
The great Bronco Nagurski retired from the NFL and went back to International Falls and opened up a gas station and everyone in the Falls went there for gas because when Bronco put on your gas cap, only Bronco could unscrew your gas cap.
Why can't Dick Cheney play hockey?
You know he'd blow the face off.
For years, Democrats have been shooting themselves in the foot. Dick Cheney taught them a lesson: aim higher.
Some people say that Millard Fillmore was the worst president of all time?
(G.W. Bush) Well, hang on. I'm not done yet.
President Bush's State of the Union speech got higher ratings than American Idol. Millions of people tuned in thinking they could vote him off.
In his State of the Union address President Bush said the economy is on the move. It's moving to India.
Thirty-three percent of the American people think he's doing a good job. The same 33% who think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church.
The states of Texas and Louisiana have decided to build an airport on the border they share. They wanted to honor Tom Delay of Texas and Huey Long of Louisiana, so they're calling it Long Delay International Airport.
What's the difference between "Congress" and the "Library of Congress"? ----In the Library of Congress you can't mess with the pages.
I bought these new boots. They are made from possum and deer hide and they feel great when I wear them. There is just one problem. When I see headlights in the dark I get this uncontrollable urge to run into the middle of the road and just stand there
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?"
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but when they ask where the bathroom is, they don't point to their pants?
Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods and next door was a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived the captain of the Titanic. "Why does he deserve better?" Bill said to God. "Because the Titanic only crashed once."
Light Bulb
How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the light bulb, and two to wish they had been asked instead.
How many Apple Employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother. The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really one.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE?! Did you say "change"?
Unitarian Jokes / Religious Jokes
A Unitarian meeting may seem strange to outsiders. Everybody sings "Praise Be to Whom It May Concern" and then somebody speaks and nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees. And if you disagree, then you'll fit right in.
A young Unitarian was visiting a Christian church when the pastor asked if she was saved. She said, "In my church, we try not to get lost."
A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Why is a Unitarian Universalist congregation like granola? When you take away all the fruits and all the nuts, all you have left are flakes!
A group of school children were trying to decide whether the pet rabbit was a boy or a girl. The Unitarian child said, "Let's take a vote on it."
A Catholic church, a synagogue and a Unitarian society all caught fire. Before the fire trucks got there, the priest dashed in and saved the consecrated Host, the rabbi dashed in to save the Torah scrolls, and the Rev. Nancy Smith dashed in to save the coffeemaker and the photocopier.
Why did the Unitarian cross the road?
To support the chicken in its search for its own path.
The children in the Unitarian church school were drawing pictures. One girl said, "I'm going to draw a picture of God." The teacher said, "But nobody knows what God looks like."They will when I get done with my picture."
A woman went into a fabric store and asked the clerk for nine yards of material to make a nightgown. The clerk said, "Nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown." The woman said, "I know, but my husband is Unitarian and he would rather seek than find."
The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, at a cemetery way back in the country. The minister got lost and finally saw the backhoe in the field and the grave diggers but no hearse in sight, and he dashed over to the grave where he saw the vault lid was already in place and he opened up his Bible and he preached about God's mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer. And one of the workers said, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean -- the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
So the three skunks went to church. The priest made them sit in their own pew.
An old man was dying. He sent for his accountant and his lawyer to come and sit by his bed as he died. Jesus had died between two thieves, and that's how he wanted to go, too.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi challenged each other to a preaching contest. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and try to convert it. Two days later, they got together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery said, "Well, I read to him from the Catechism and then I sprinkled him with holy water and Holy Mary Mother of God he was gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob said, "Well I read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! And I took HOLD of him and wrestled him down to the creek. And I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED him and he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was in a body cast. The rabbi said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Listner Submissions
What does Billy Graham and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
They both can get 65,000 people on their knees screaming "Jesus Christ"
I'm nice to both of my wives. Isn't that bigamy?
Walked into a Bar
A drunk walked into a bar and saw a woman sitting there and he walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." She said, "You worthless idiot, you no good drunk!" He said, "And you sound like her, too."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Make you a bet. If I win, I get a free drink. Can you spell a word with ten letters that starts with GAS?" The bartender thinks about it, and says no. The guy says, "AUTOMOBILE!"
A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. He tells the bartender, "This is my pet. His name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why'd you name him Tiny?" "Because he's my newt!"
George Bush walked into a bar. He had heard there was enriched uranium there and coat hangers designed to set off nuclear bombs.
A guys walks into a bar, and there's a seal sitting at the far end of the room. The seal says to the man, "I like the way you smell. You've got a great haircut. Your jacket looks great on you. Nice tan." The man says to the bartender, "Who is he?" The bartender says, "That's the Seal of Approval."
A young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies "Ya got any ID"? The Texan says, "An idee about what"?
Jokes From Guy Noir Script
You know they are developing a new wine for older men. It's called Pino More
You married?
I am.
Happily?
Yes, of course.
You and your wife both happy?
Sure. Every week we go out to a romantic restaurant, have a candlelight dinner, some wine - she goes on Fridays, I go on Tuesdays.
I'm at that stage in life where your options are slim or none. It's like elephants and fleas. I used to be an elephant and now I'm a flea. An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants.
The guy who's looking for the meaning of life, and he goes to India to find a guru, and he climbs the mountain, and there on the top in his cave, sitting cross-legged, is the guru, and the man says, "I've come from America to ask you the meaning of life." The guru says, "Ah yes, the meaning of life. The meaning of life is a rutabaga." The guy says, "A rutabaga? I came all the way from America to discover the meaning of life, and you tell me it's a rutabaga!" The guru says. "So maybe it's broccoli?" And on his way down the mountain the guy falls off a cliff and he manages to hang onto a shrub on his way down and he's hanging there and down below is a one-thousand foot drop and he looks up and he cries out, "God, help me, please, help me." And the clouds part and there's a voice from on high: "I, the Lord God, am here. Let go of the shrub and I will save you." The guy thinks about it and then he says, "Is there anyone else up there?"
It's like the kid who never said a word for six years. His parents took him to speech therapists but the kid never spoke. And then one morning at breakfast, he looked up from his bowl of cereal and said, "The milk is sour." The parents were so happy. They said, "You talk perfectly. Why did you wait so long?" He said, "Up until now everything's been okay."
They say a martini is the most fattening drink, about 700 calories each, but if you drink enough of them, the calories are zero.
Listener Jokes
How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a light bulb
Never Enough, they screw 'em in backwards
A man went to heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. The man saw a group of people milling around and asked who they were. St. Peter said, "Oh, those are the Unitarians - they are arguing about whether or not they are here!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Absent minded
Absent minded who?
I'm sorry, what?
How do you introduce a hamburger? A: Meet Patty.
Two flies fly into the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?
A: The one on the range.
What is brown shriveled and carries a machine gun in its hand? Al Caprune.
If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate.
What is the main advantage to being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
The snake pit in the Los Angeles zoo was accidentally filled in recently, now the snakes don't have a pit to hiss in.
At 50 below your spit freezes before it hits the ground, and at 65 below Jehovah's witnesses stick to your screen door.
Three men - quite drunk - stumbled out of a public house. They crawled across the street and on to the railroad tracks.
First drunk says: these stairs don't seem to end
Second drunk says: yeah, and the handrails a really low.
Third drunk says: not to worry, here comes the elevator...
Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women get home from work, take a look to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women get home from work; take a look to see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Bumper sticker seen on the tailgate of a rusted pick-up truck: If Dolly Parton was a farmer; she'd be flat busted, too.
Jokes From Ketchup Script
Guess what.
What?
That's what.
What's what?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Eskimo Christians.
Eskimo Christians Who?
Eskimo Christians I'll tell you no lies.
Listener Jokes
A lady was caught knitting while driving.
A cop pulled up beside her and hollered, "Pull over!"
The lady yelled back, "No! Cardigan!"
Closing Jokes
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escaped from prison. The cops were chasing them when they stopped at a dock. On the dock were 3 gunnysacks. The redhead said they should get in them to hide, and they did. A cop kicked the one with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff, ruff, ruff!" The cop says, "It's only a dog." Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she said, "Meow, meow, meow!" The cop said, "It's only a cat." Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes!"
A man's wife was in labor with their first child and suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!"
She was having contractions."