(THEME FROM "ROCKY")
Garrison Keillor:
Opening next weekend here in Philadelphia, it's Rocky VIII, "Rocky Gets His AARP Card."
Tim Russell (ROCKY): What is this? AARP? What gives? Huh?
Sue Scott:
It's the American Association of Retired Peo--
TR (ROCKY): Retired!!! Who they talking about? Me? Get outta here.
SS:
Sorry. Wrong AARP. This is the Association for the Advancement of Revered Prizefighters.
TR (ROCKY): That's more like it. Hey, where are my sweatpants?
SS:
You're wearing your sweatpants.
TR (ROCKY): Oh. Big deal. Now. If you'll excuse me. I gotta go.
SS:
Ok. Good luck honey.
(A BEAT)
TR (ROCKY): Shoot.
SS:
What's wrong now?
TR (ROCKY): Have you seen my keys?
GK: It's the story of an older guy who has taken a lot of punches to the head and kidneys, especially from movie critics. But he keeps on coming.
TR (ROCKY): Yo. One bagel with cream cheese.
Fred Newman (TEEN): What kind of cream cheese?
TR (ROCKY): Just the regular kind.
FN (TEEN): It's named for a city. The city you're in right now.
TR (ROCKY): Give me a hint. What does it start with?--
FN (TEEN): Hey, you're that old boxer from like, a million years ago who like, ran all those steps in front of the art museum?
TR (ROCKY): Thanks, kid. Now I remember where I was going.
(DOOR JINGLES OPEN, SHUTS)
GK:
Rocky VIII -- in which Rocky Balboa takes on Ed McMahon (STING)
TR (ED MCMAHON): And heeeeeeeeeeere's Ed McMahon!!! (LAUGHS) I just get a big kick out of being me, Ed McMahon, and selling various scams on TV to all those geezers out there-- (LAUGHS) who weren't that bright to begin with.
TR (ROCKY): Why I oughta knock your lights out.
GK:
And Rocky goes hunting with Dick Cheney. (SHOTGUN BLAST)
TR (ROCKY): Hey. What was that about? Friends don't shoot friends in the face.
TR (CHENEY): Well, I operate on the principle that if there's even a one percent chance that it's a quail, I have to shoot.
TR (ROCKY): You do that again and I'm going to knock that smirk over to the other side of your mouth.
GK:
It's Rocky VIII and coming soon, Rocky XIX -- "Rocky Finds A Rest Home"
TR (ROCKY): We got water aerobics here and hatha yoga and they give you a good breakfast with fruit and fiber. I stay away from big flights of stairs. Too hard on your knees. Use the elevator.
GK:
And so the saga of Rocky Balboa continues to unfold here in the great city of Philadelphia.
(ROCKY THEME OUT)