(GUY NOIR THEME)
Garrison Keillor:
It's the end of the year 2006
Not the best year by far
But you're still sharp, you don't miss many tricks
So say I...Guy Noir.
Others decline but you're looking good
Just follow your lucky star
This could be your big year, knock on wood.
So says me...Guy Noir.
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye --
(MUSIC)
GK: It was the week after Christmas and I was in New York, getting all the work I could handle. People get invited to dinners and they like to know who else will be there and maybe who'll be sitting next to them. Thanks to a longtime friendship with Natalie Dressed, Caterer to the Upper East Side, I was able to get information.
Sue Scott (NATALIE): New Year's Eve, huh? Which dinner you talking about?
GK: The Authors Guild gala at the Knickerbocker Club.
SS (NATALIE): And what was your question?
GK: Dr. Henry Kissinger. Where do you have him?
SS (NATALIE): Kissinger...Kissinger...let me see-- hmmmmm...oh. Table 24. Next to Kurt Vonnegut.
GK: I don't think that's going to work. Dr. Kissinger needs to sit next to a younger person, someone who's more focused on the future. Somebody who wasn't around during the early Seventies.
SS (NATALIE): I could seat him next to Britney Spears.
GK: I think he'd like that actually. And Donald Trump -- who is he next to?
SS (NATALIE): Let me see. Trump. Trump. Trump. Oh here. He's sitting between Noam Chomsky and Calvin Trillin.
GK: Could we put him on the other side of Britney Spears?
SS (NATALIE): Done. (BRIDGE)
GK: Famous people like Mr. Trump don't care to sit next to other famous people. They like to sit next to sponges. A sponge is a term for a young woman who is trained to absorb ego.
SS (BREATHLESS): Oh wow. That is so incredible. That whole story of how you earned billions and billions of dollars.
TR (TRUMP): Yeah, well, people can tell quality. That's the bottom line. Quality and class. I got class. That's not bragging, that's just the fact. These other dirtbags, they're scum, I don't even think about em. Because I got quality. You hear what I'm sayin? Quality.
SS (BREATHLESS): Wow. That is so true. I can't believe I am sitting here and getting the benefit of this. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was in my office, studying some seating charts and just about to call it a day when... (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.
TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is the Decider.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR (BUSH): I am the commander in chief and I am standing just outside your door. Open it up or I'll have to do a surge on you.
GK: The door is unlocked, sir.
TR (BUSH): Okay, then I am about to open it. I am now in the process of opening. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) I am inside your office now and proceeding toward your desk.
GK: You can hang up the phone, sir. I can hear you perfectly well.
TR (BUSH): Yes. Right. I am aware of that.
GK: What can I do for you, sir?
TR (BUSH): Well, you can tell me that I did the right thing and I drove straight but the road turned.
GK: Okay.
TR (BUSH): Withdrawal is not an option.
GK: It's hard to withdraw when you're stuck.
TR (BUSH): This is so true.
GK: So what can I do for you, sir?
TR (BUSH): It's about Laura and Barney.
GK: Yes, sir?
TR (BUSH): Barney keeps trying to run away and Laura doesn't want to sit next to me at dinner anymore.
GK: Oh?
TR (BUSH): She keeps putting Dad next to me, or Jim Baker, or some old coot, and she sits down at the end of the table and she reads.
GK: She reads at the table?
TR (BUSH): She's reading all these books like "State of Denial" and these books that say that Gunner is running the White House.
GK: Gunner?
TR (BUSH): The vice-president.
GK: Oh, Sure.
TR (BUSH): And she's sitting there and nodding and saying, "Yep...yeah...yeah, I could've told em that" -- And she comes to bed and she's still reading those books and she's saying, "Well, I knew that when I married him" and "Well, that's pretty obvious" -- it makes me feel like I've got no friends left.
GK: I'm sure that's not true, sir. You've got hundreds of friends. Dozens of them.
TR (BUSH): Then how come nobody wants to sit next to me?
GK: Nobody?
TR (BUSH): What a year. Winter Olympics was nice and then it felt like I was on the luge. Nuclear tests in Korea. Gunner shot his friend in the face. Democrats took control of Congress. I felt like the guy in that painting, "The Scream".
GK: The one that got water-damaged.
TR (BUSH): Me too. Well, I guess there's not much you can do for me.
GK: I don't envy you, sir.
TR (BUSH): I don't envy myself. I tell you, I am looking forward to reading my memoirs, you know what I mean?
GK: Yeah. It'll all be clearer to you ten years from now.
TR (BUSH): I hope so. I am the commander in chief. If we withdraw, then what am I? The puller-out guy. Not the same. (BRIDGE)
TR (KISSINGER): Excuse me. I heard you were making these seating charts and I just want to make sure that I am not -- oh -- good. Thank you.
GK: You don't want to sit next to Mr. Bush?
TR (KISSINGER): No.
GK: Why not?
TR (KISSINGER): He took food off my plate.
SS (NATALIE): What did he take?
TR (KISSINGER): He took all of my French fries and he took my dessert and I told him what to do in Iraq and he ignored my advice.
GK: What was that?
TR (KISSINGER): We need an integrated, thematic approach that incorporates synergy and also harmonizing in a unified and yet multifaceted manner that will serve as a springboard for a concerted, goal oriented vision.
GK: Sounds good to me.
SS (NATALIE): You've got it.
(MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and one man is still trying to find the answers to life's questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)