(PIANO MUSIC)
Garrison Keillor: Adventures in American Aviation...(JET AIRPLANE LANDING) every day, thousands of stories criss-cross at the airport. Stories you and I will never know. Stories we can only imagine. Here on Adventures in American Aviation. (THEME UNDER)
It was a bottle of shampoo -- a very nice French shampoo -- (Sue Scott FRENCH MURMURS) -- with just a hint of fennel-- and it was on its way to New York City and then -- at the airport--
Fred Newman: You got any toiletries in the bag? Any creams or balms? Gels? Anything liquid?
Tim Russell: Just a bottle of shampoo. (SS FRENCH MURMUR) Gift for my girlfriend. Got it in the airport.
FN: Sorry. Gotta throw it in the trash. (SS FRENCH ALARM).
TR: Okay. (SS FRENCH: Non non non. Non non non. Non non.) (BOTTLE LANDS IN JUNK)
GK: And there she lay, a little dazed. (SS FRENCH CONFUSION) She was in with a lot of cans of half-finished soda pop (BURBLING OF LIQUIDS, AND BELCH) and a bottle of aquavit (TR SWEDISH) and some face cream (SQUORTS) and a bottle of Old Spice aftershave.
FN (ROUGH): Hey kid.
SS: Are you talking to moi? You? A jar of hair gel?
FN: Hey, we're the only toiletries in here. You smell nice. Like fennel.
SS: What will become of us?
FN: Hey relax. Go ahead, loosen your cap.
SS: How do I get out of here?
FN: Out of the barrel? It ain't easy. I met a hair spray once, she almost got out, she was able to see over the edge anyway, and then they threw her back in.
SS: I was going to New York. I was a gift. It's not fair. I did nothing.
FN: Yeah, it's sad the stigma attached to being a lotion these days. Honest, hard-working toiletries but it only take one bad apple to spoil it, I guess.
TR (DEEP, ROUGH): Hey. Quit squeezing me.
FN: I ain't squeezing you.
TR (DEEP ROUGH): You are too.
FN: Why would I be squeezing you?
TR (DEEP ROUGH): That's what I'd like to know.
FN: You're a skin salve. We hair gels have nothing to do with you people.
TR (DEEP ROUGH): Get out of my face.
SS: Please. Let's not fight among ourselves.
TR (DEEP ROUGH): Who's she? Your girlfriend?
FN: Oh please.
SS: Listen. I've been reading that warning notice up there and you know why they're afraid of us? Because if we mix our stuff together it makes an explosive.
FN: You gotta be kidding.
SS: They think we're explosive. So-- let's explode.
TR (DEEP ROUGH): What's she talking about?
SS: I'm talking about taking off our caps and mixing our stuff together.
FN: Mixing our stuff together???? Do you know what you're suggesting???
TR (DEEP ROUGH): That's sex.
FN: How did a nice shampoo like you come up with a dirty filthy idea like that?
SS: What do we have to lose? They're never going to let us out.
TR (DEEP ROUGH): I thought they sent us to an orphanage or something.
SS: Why would they blow up orphans?
FN: She's got a point. What do we have to lose? Let's show em. (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT) Let's show em they can't push us toiletries around anymore!
SS (EFFORT): There. I've got my cap off.
FN: Don't stare at her.
TR (DEEP ROUGH): I'm not staring.
SS: Take off your cap.
FN: (EFFORT) There. It's off. I'm naked.
SS: I'm going to squirt on you. Ready?
FN: I think so. What if I explode though?
SS: Are you afraid?
FN: No!
SS: Good. (SPLORT) There. Some more? (SPLORT)
TR (DEEP ROUGH): Here. Some skin salve. (SPLORT,
SQUORT) It says on your label to rub gently, rinse, and repeat. You want me to?
SS: Mmmmmm. That felt good.
FN: But we didn't explode.
SS: Maybe we need some soda pop. Hey you Cola--
TR (HIGH): Yeah?
SS: Shake yourself up. C'mon. Dance.
TR (HIGH): Okay. (SHAKES, CHEEKS GO WIBBLEWIBBLE) There. I'm just about to-- (POP, SPRAY OF CARBONATED BEVERAGE) Wow. Cool.
SS: I've got soda all over me and salve and hair gel and -- nothing.
FN: Maybe you have to wait.
SS: I donno. I think I was wrong. We shouldn't have done it.
FN: Why not?
SS: You're not going to respect me tomorrow. Are you?
FN: No, I will. I do.
SS: But you won't.
FN: I will. Honest. Take a look at my label.
SS: Satisfaction guaranteed. Hmmmm. Okay.
(THEME)
GK: Thousands of stories criss-cross every day at the airport, and you've just heard one of them...on Adventures in American Aviation. (THEME OUT)