(THEME)
Tim Russell (ANNC): And now, it's time for: Darwin, Dog of Science. (WOOF) On the outskirts of St. Paul, far from the petty jealousies of the scientific world, the chemist Dr. Selby Western works in his underground laboratory where he and his lab assistant Clark Weemer are on the brink of a major discovery that could change the world forever.
(POURING)
Garrison Keillor: Thank you for the coffee, Clark. If our calculations are correct, this coffee could make both of us extremely wealthy.
TR: I suppose so.
GK: A new biologically engineered variety of caffeine that oxygenates the brain and actually takes the place of sleep. People will be able to work day and night. Writers will turn out fifty or sixty major novels instead of a few-- painters will create enormous bodies of work -- every man a Picasso -- every writer a Proust-- you seem less than excited about this, Clark.
TR: I hate science. All of this number crunching. I often think I should have majored in French.
GK: The French fell behind in science soon after Madame Curie developed radium. The French thought of radium as a way of X-raying teeth. We saw it as a way to blow things up.
TR: (PASSIONATE FRENCH)
GK: What did you say?
TR: Just commenting on what you said. It's impossible to translate--
GK: Then why did you say it?
TR: Because it felt good. (MORE PASSIONATE FRENCH)
GK: Have you been drinking the experimental coffee, Clark?
TR: No. (A PHILOSOPHIC STATEMENT, FRENCH)
GK: And what was that about?
TR: It was about man's endless innate capacity for genius.
GK: Oh. What about man's endless innate capacity?
TR: It's endless. And innate. It sounds dumb in English. It's beautiful in French. Or as we would say, (FRENCH APHORISM).
GK: Yes?
TR: "Happiness is intuitive and intuition cannot be explained."
GK: Interesting. This coffee doesn't seem to be working. Are you sure this is the right grind?
TR: Of course.
GK: I ought to be having some very intense feelings right now. A flood of thoughts. Insights.
TR: It takes time to get in your system. (DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, SS SOPRANO SINGING AND BIG WHOOP, AND DOOR SLAM SHUT)
GK: Who was that?
TR: That was Miss Whitley, the new lab assistant.
GK: I see. What's her job?
TR: She's writing up the notes on your experiments.
GK: She's been drinking the coffee.
TR: No. She's simply writing up the results.
GK: Interesting. (DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, SS SOPRANO SINGING HIGHER, BIG WHOOPS, DOOR SLAM SHUT) Am I correct that she had taken off her white lab coat and ran through here in her underwear?
TR: That was my observation too, Dr. Western.
GK: And was that a raccoon on her head?
TR: I didn't see that.
GK: If this coffee turns out the way we think it will, we'll be sitting on a gold mine, you and I. We can sell it for five or six billion dollars and buy a pro football team, run for the U.S. Senate, cure malaria, do what we want.
TR: (PHILOSOPHICAL, IN FRENCH)
GK: You don't approve, do you.
TR: (FRENCH DISGUST)
GK: I didn't think so.
(DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, SS HIGHER SOPRANO, FLUTTERY, WHOOPING. STOPS. FLOUNCY WHOOPING OF SEMI-NAKED WOMAN)
GK: Oh my gosh. She's gone mad. Miss Whitley--
TR: (FRENCH ROMANTIC OUTBURST)
GK: No, Clark. Settle down.
TR: (FRENCH ROMANTIC WHISPER)
GK: Miss Whitley! Go to your office. You are interrupting important work.
Sue Scott: (SINGING ROMANTICALLY TO TR)
TR: (EROTIC FRENCH)
GK: Don't let her distract you from our experiment, Clark.
TR: Don't talk to me. Go away. I'm in love. (FRENCH AMOUR)
GK: We're scientists, Clark. We can fall in love later, after the results are in. Please. Have a little discipline.
TR: I'm going to take her to the south of France and be happy. (JOYFUL FRENCH) (SS SOPRANO) (DOOR SLAM)
GK: Well, Darwin...(WOOF) It's just you and me now. (WHINE, COLLAR JINGLE, LEG THUMPING) Care for some coffee? (WOOF) Here, let me get the pot-- whoops-- (SPLASH) O my gosh I've spilled all over my papers -- (DOG LAPPING) No-- Darwin-- don't--- (DOG GROWL, LAPPING) Ten years of data. Gone. All that work. For nothing. (THEME)
TR (ANNC): Darwin, Dog of Science...join us again next week when we hear Dr. Western say:
GK: We have a $100,000 grant from the Dairy Association to find out if eating ice cream can slow the aging process, Darwin. (WOOF WOOF) Too bad I didn't get it when I was a young man. (WOOF) Rocky Road or Cherry Garcia, Darwin? (PANTING) (THEME UP AND OUT)
(THEME)