(THEME)
Sue Scott: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Trailhand Toenail Clippers. A cowboy's toenails are like hooves and ordinary clippers can't cut em -- you need Trailhand Clippers, first developed for cutting barbed wire. (BIG CLICK) And now. The Lives of the Cowboys.
(CATTLE, HORSES, WHOOPS)
Garrison Keillor: We should be coming up on the Clark Fork River, Dusty. Missoula's just downstream. Soon as we see it, we can water the cattle and make camp.
Tim Russell: I ain't never been to Missoula before. What's it like?
GK: Well, it's just sort of a place unto itself. It's like Montana but it has feng shui and herb tea.
TR: Hmmmm. How about wild dance hall floozies? They got any of those.
GK: No, but they have aromatherapists.
TR: What sort of aroma? Whiskey?
(STRUMMING)
TR: You gotta play that thing?
GK: Just never mind. Think about something else.
TR: I can't stand that song.
GK: It's a Montana song. First Montana song I ever learned.
TR: I'd really rather you not.
GK (SINGS)
My home's in Montana
I play the piana
My hair's turning silver
My underwear's gray
Out in the mountains
There's no water fountains
That's why we drink whiskey
And not lemonade.
(STRUMS)
TR: I've heard better singing come out of leaky balloons.
GK: You don't mean that.
TR: Please stop singing?
GK: Why?
TR: Please don't sing more of it.
GK: I'm going to sing the second verse.
TR: Don't do it.
GK:
My home's in Montana
I'm not a soprana
Could you spare some silver,
Madame, s'il vous plais?
Here on the Clark Fork
We're far from New York
This isn't a raccoon
It is my toupee.
GK: How do you like it so far?
TR: I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
GK: It's a good song.
TR: I'll put a rattlesnake in your bedroll.
GK: I don't think you're getting the subtleties of the thing.
TR: I'm not kidding. A big rattlesnake.
GK:
My home's in Montana
My girlfriend's Susanna.
She wears a silver-
Rhinestone lame
We like to ride.
But we do it inside.
And that is about
All I will say.
(WOOFS)
TR: What was that?
GK: What was what?
TR: You didn't hear anything? The cattle got quiet all of a sudden.
SS: That's cause I'm standing here. .
GK: Who're you?
SS: Martha Stewart.
TR: By gosh you are Martha Stewart.
GK: What brings you to Montana, Ms Stewart?
SS: My private jet. Which I made myself out of things in my garage. I'm looking for a place where I wouldn't be recognized. Where I could just hang out like a normal person.
GK: Well, if you think we cowboys don't know who Martha Stewart is, you're wrong.
SS: What are you saying?
TR: Me and Lefty here was just making your Ultimate Campfire Cobbler. Or trying to.
GK: We had a time of it trying to find 25 pints of white raspberries, so we had to substitute--
SS: Substitute what?
TR: You don't want to know.
SS: Oh.
GK: But we did add a touch of lemon, like you said.
TR: And no nutmeg.
SS: Oh I'm so glad to hear that. I've been waging war against nutmeg for years. People overuse it. They think it's de rigeur and it's not.
TR: Well, they didn't have any in Yellow Gulch anyway, so--
SS: And were you able to get the vanilla ice cream--
GK: We talked to the cows but they weren't up for it.
TR: But we did have a nice centerpiece made of little cactuses inside of coffee cans.
GK: In a circle--
TR: With candles.
SS: It also makes a nice chandelier if you're indoors.
GK: I'll try to remember that.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Fred Newman (DEEP INCOMPREHENSIBLE)
SS: Who is this? He's all smeared with blood and gore.
GK: Well, he's sort of demented. His name is Wild Wayne.
TR: He got that way when he was out on the desert for six days.
GK: He was listening to talk radio and the earpiece got stuck. And his mouth is full of tobacco.
TR: He seems to have taken a shine to you, though.
FN: (DEEP INCOMPREHENSIBLE, LEADING TO THE WORD "MARTHA")
GK: One would think he knows you.
SS: I love that flannel shirt. I could use that for an accent piece on a side table.
FN: Martha--
TR: He knows you.
FN: Milk cartons -- filled with sand -- candles--
SS: You made that? On the desert?
FN: Centerpiece.
SS: Beautiful. What did you serve?
FN: Iguanas. Giant iguanas. Raw. No nutmeg. Dried weeds.
SS: I love dried weeds.
FN: A lot of dried weeds. Dried weeds everywhere.
SS: I should go collect some.
GK: I wouldn't recommend that, ma'am. The desert is dangerous. It's hot and dry and there are weird people out there.
FN: Yeah. That's right.
TR: Out on the desert, Wild Wayne would be considered normal.
FN: Me. Normal.
SS: I'm sorry. I really want to be hands-on. I have my standards and I feel that dried weeds add a nice texture to any living or dining room.
GK: Then take Wayne with you---
FN: Me and Martha.
SS: I don't have a horse. I'd have to go on foot.
TR: Wayne can be your horse.
SS: Oh my--
GK: Ride on his shoulders. Here. Step up-- (SS REACT, GK EFFORT, FN REACT) There you go.
FN: Feels good. (WALKS AWAY, INCOMPREHENSIBLE GRUNTING, SS SINGING)
TR: So long!
GK: Thanks for everything.
(THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Out There leather dental floss. When you need to use it again and again, there's no better floss. So save your teeth on the trail, and get in there, with Out There.