(WESTERN THEME, CATTLE, HORSES, WHOOPS)
Sue Scott: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...brought to you by El Paso Vacation Homes and Condos...as we rejoin Dusty and Lefty, we find them driving a herd of longhorns down a shady street in the northern suburbs of Chicago...
(CATTLE. HORSES HOOVES. WHOOPS)
Garrison Keillor: Sorta wish we'd looked at a map before we got to Chicago. Then we woulda known the stockyards weren't there anymore.
Tim Russell: So what are we going to do?
GK: Donate 'em to the zoo, I guess.
TR: Where's the zoo?
GK: Highland Park, I thought.
TR: Who told you that?
GK: Somebody from Evanston.
TR: Hey, here's a big park or something. Let's get em down there, down in that arroyo.
GK: Not an arroyo, Dusty. Not with all those trees.
TR: A draw then. Or a gulch.
GK: I'd say it's more of a glen.
TR: A glen! Did you say Glen?? Ha. (HE LAUGHS)
GK: Okay, a dell then.
TR: Adele who? (HE LAUGHS)
GK: Maybe a valley.
TR: Sure, if you were a real estate developer--ain't big enough to be a valley. Look at it.
GK: Well, what would you call it?
TR: More of a gully than a glen. Even a canyon.
GK: You gotta have rocks for a canyon. How about ravine?
TR: Ravine. That's what it is.
GK: It's a ravine.
TR: You're right.
GK: Now where's the cows? We lost the herd. Standing around here arguing about what to call a ravine and the cows walked away from us--
SS (OFF): Hey! These your cows??? What are they doing down here?
TR: Oh oh.
SS (OFF): We're rehearsing a dance number-- tonight is the premiere-- get these-- wait. No. Sorry. They're perfect for the adagio section. Fantastic. Look-- They give the work a -- a horizontality it didn't have before. They give it a whole sense of place. I'm going to rename the piece "Cows and Effect". They're perfect. How much to rent your cows for the show tonight?
GK: Hey, be our guests. Consider it a donation.(BRIDGE) It was a modern dance piece and the choreographer was a skinny dame in black tights with her hair pulled back so hard it squeaked when she shook her head.
SS: Let's try the adagio section again, people. (CLAPS HANDS) Orchestra-- 1 and 2 and 7, 8, 9, and-- (EXTREME MINIMALIST ATONAL MUSIC WITH A PULSATING TEMPO) Beautiful! And dancers-- three and --six and to your right -- and (LIGHT RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) run forward on tippy-toes and dip-- beautiful! -- arms extended, embracing the earth -- and now-- (LIGHT RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)-- we are running toward the animals of the field-- and we are honoring them (MOOING) -- beautiful--And now we are stretching our arms to the sky--letting the harmonic emanations of the Milky Way run through our bodies -- let the music come up through the core of your being-- wait-- stop-- stop (CLAPS HANDS) (MUSIC STOPS) (FOOTSTEPS) Sir?
Fred Newman: Yes, ma'am?
SS: You weren't allowing the music to come up through the core of your being.
FN: Oh. Sorry.
SS: I don't think I know you. Have you been to previous rehearsals?
TR (NYER): His name is Muntz. He's a sub, Miss Lorraine. He was sent out by the City of Chicago. He's a municipal dancer. Civil Service.
SS: Oh. When was the last time you danced, Mr. Muntz?
FN: Well, I carried a spear in "Aida" a couple years ago.
SS: Did you ever study dance?
FN: I passed a test, ma'am. A written test. The city gives it.
SS: How many questions?
FN: Two. Identify your left foot. And identify your right foot.
SS: What do you do when you're not dancing?
FN: Drive a sanitation truck.
SS: Okay. Mr. Muntz, we're going to have you sit here and hold these branches and be a tree-- you--
TR (DUSTY): Me?
SS: Do you dance?
TR (DUSTY): I can do the hokey-pokey. Want to see me shake it all about?
SS: Some other time. You--
GK: Me?
SS: What's your name?
GK: Lefty.
SS: Do you dance?
GK: Only if someone is shooting at my feet. But I sing.
SS: Cowboy songs?
GK: Of course.
SS: Perfect. (CLAPS HANDS) Okay-- all of the dancers back to position one-- Mr. Muntz-- you're here with the branches--
FN: Here?
SS: Right here. And Lefty?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: You're right here with your guitar, and -- do you know any songs about good and evil?
GK: All of them are about that.
SS: About good and evil--
GK: Wrote a new one just this morning.
SS: Okay. Let's hear that one.
GK: (STRUMS) As I walked out in the streets of Chicago
As I walked out in Chicago one day
I saw a fellow who was dressed in white linen,
Under an umbrella drinking cafe au lait.
"I see by your outfit that you are a Cubs fan,"
He said as he noticed my t-shirt and cap.
"Well I am a tycoon who is buying that ballclub"
He said with a smile as he pulled out a map.
He pointed to a spot, a small town in Iowa.
"I'm moving the team there in 2008.
We'll tear down old Wrigley and build us a shopping mall.
The ballpark is small and too old to renovate."
"We'll build a domed stadium next to an airport
Somewhere between Davenport and Des Moines.
It'll just be sky boxes that are open to members.
It'll cost a half-million for a fellow to join."
"There'll be one thousand seats and each one a recliner
With a personal valet to bring you your drinks.
And serve your hors d'oeuvres and all on fine china.
And shine your loafers and hang up your minks."
"Out in left field a big shopping center
And a spa and health club for the true hedonist,
And everything done with luxurious splendor,
And no one admitted who is not on the list."
And as he said that I saw his eyes closin'
He took a deep breath and he let out a groan
And then it appeared that his face was frozen,
And then I saw he had been turned to stone.
His heart was hard and that made him harden
Because of the evil things he had said.
They put him in the Art Institute's sculpture garden
And pigeons came and they perched on his head.
So treat with respect each historic relic,
Including me and any others you meet,
Or else winged creatures who are not angelic
Will use your head for a toilet seat.
(YODEL)
SS: All right. That was good. But it's too long. Could you shorten it?
GK: I suppose so.
SS: All I really need is about fifteen seconds worth while the dancers are letting the music come up through the core of their beings, okay?
GK: Oh. Okay. How about this? (YODEL)
SS: That's good. -- Okay...let's try the adagio section again...(THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...if you're looking for a place to retire, you're looking for El Paso Vacation Homes and Condos...(MUSIC OUT)