(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye --
(PIANO)
GK: It was June, a nice time to be in Minnesota, the permafrost was retreating, the mosquitos were still small enough you could kill em with a ballpeen hammer, so I shoulda been out on a lake fishing or something, but I got a call from Austin, Texas, that seemed to offer cash compensation, so naturally I was interested.
TR (TEXAN, PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Congressman Roy "Scooter" Atkins calling you from Austin, wondering if I could send the private luxury jet of a corporate friend of mine to bring you down here to help me out of a terrible jam. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I flew to Texas in a jet with a steam room and a bowling alley in it ---- and a woman in white, who made your nose hairs tremble.
Sue Scott: I'm Amber. Hi. Would you care for an apricot body scrub followed by a hot-stone massage?
GK: No, thanks.
SS: I could juice a kumquat for you.
GK: I'm trying to cut down on fruit.
SS: How about aromatherapy? I have persimmon, eucalyptus, or chamomile.
GK: I could have fallen for her fast, sort of like jumping out of a 12th-story window, so I just sat with my nose pressed against the window until we landed. (JET LANDING) A big Cadillac with tinted windows (LIMO PULL AWAY) picked me up and took me to the Congressman's office on the top floor of the Federal Building----- (FOOTSTEPS) Quite an office you've got here, sir. About the length of a football field.
TR (TEXAN): Hundred yards. Right up there is the biggest flag in Texas.
GK: Doesn't seem to have fifty stars, though.
TR (TEXAN): Some states we're not sure about. ----(FOOTSTEPS CONTINUING) Right here is a pile of petitions signed by a million persons in favor of my football desecration amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
GK: I see. Interesting. Most of these signatures appear to be completely illegible, Congressman.
TR (TEXAN): They were excited when they signed, I reckon. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUING) Right here is a plaque from the Christian Kindergarten Teachers of America in gratitude for my work on the Broadcast Decency Control Act.
GK: The law that forbids indecent or obscene speech on radio and television.
TR (TEXAN): Exactly. I was the one who amended the rules so it forbids the use of the word "poop".
GK: Aha.
TR (TEXAN): There is now a $300,000 fine for the use of the word "poop".
GK: Well, that ought to help keep the kindergartners in line.
TR (TEXAN): And right here is my executive assistant, Bambi Rutherford.
SS: Hi.
GK: We met on the plane.
SS: That was my sister, Amber. I'm Bambi.
GK: Oh. You---- you have rather big hair, Bambi.
SS: That's because I use a hair pump.
GK: I see. From the look of your hair and also from the fish on your tie, Congressman, I am assuming you are a Republican. Is that right?
TR (TEXAN): In Texas, sir, only a fool would be a Democrat. It'd be like going out in November wearing a brown coat and antlers. It's like in Iraq with them Sunnies and the Shites. You got two---
GK: That's the Sunnis and the Shiites.
TR (TEXAN): Well, you got She-ites and He-ites but they're all Shites. Anyhow, I grew up out in Lubbock. Big L, little u, double B, o-c-k. There were no liberals in Lubbock. They used to show a couple of them at the county fair in a tent with a live alligator. People paid 35 cents admission. I am a Republican, sir, and proud of it.
SS: The Congressman has made it legal to carry loaded weapons in churches. He passed a law that changes the word "left turn" to "liberty turn" ----
GK: It's not left anymore?
TR (TEXAN): It's a liberty turn. The left lane is the liberty lane. I wrote the tax laws so you can build yourself a 14-story office building and earn a profit on it even if it's empty. It's called the Growth Encouragement Act.
GK: I hate to say this, sir, but when you're talking you seem to slip in and out of a Texas accent.
TR (TEXAN): You noticed that too, then? It sort of slips out of gear sometimes.
GK: Is that what you called me down here for, sir?
TR (TEXAN): I'd prefer not to talk about that here. Let's go out to the ranch. Call me the chopper, Bambi.
GK: Okay, but your ranch is in your district, isn't it?
TR (TEXAN): Yes, but it's four hundred and seventy-five miles from here.
GK: Your district is four hundred and seventy miles long?
TR (TEXAN): And anywhere from sixteen inches to a hundred yards wide.
GK: Interesting.
TR (TEXAN): It sorta curls around.
GK: This was from redistricting.
TR (TEXAN): Correct. (CHOPPER)
GK: We took off in the chopper and he tried to point out his district boundaries which started in Austin and snaked around to the south and the west and then east and north and west and when we got out to the ranch, there was a herd of elephants (ELEPHANTS CALLING).
TR (TEXAN): I keep them elephants here to try to run off the buzzards. You see those buzzards over there? (BIRDS)
SS: We got about a million of them, Mr. Noir. They came flocking in here about the time of the Enron troubles.
TR (TEXAN): Me and Mr. Lay used to be golfing buddies. I got him the gas rights to the county west of here.
GK: So that's what I smell? Methane?
TR (TEXAN): Anyhow the buzzards come after me then. By the thousands. (BUZZARDS) Git! Go way! Git! (SHOTGUN BLAST, BUZZARD FLURRY)
SS: They come and set on the power lines and cause power fluctuations that make it impossible to operate a computer or microwave.
TR (TEXAN): Those birds set on the telephone lines and they gather information through their claws and then they fly off and tell it to a district attorney.
GK: Congressman, I wonder if maybe you've been spending too much time in the sun.
TR (TEXAN): We are surrounded by these evil black birds ---- (SHOTGUN, BUZZARDS) ---- and the more of em you kill, the more of em come.
SS: Look out! (BIG WINGS FLAPPING, PASSING BY)
TR (TEXAN): This is why I asked you to come, Mr. Noir. I am surrounded by enemies.
GK: I am not an ornithologist, sir. Look out. (BIG WINGS FLAPPING, PASSING BY)
TR (TEXAN): They sit up there on the phone lines with their little yellow accusing eyes and their cruel beaks. I've set off dynamite, I've put out poison. Once I played two hours of Barry Manilow so loud it peeled wallpaper ---- nothing.
GK: I know nothing about buzzards, sir. We don't have these up north.
TR (TEXAN): That's what I was thinking.
SS: The Congressman had an idea, Mr. Noir.
TR (TEXAN): I was thinking of maybe extending my district to the north. It'd go for a thousand miles or so, just a quarter-of-an-inch wide up the Mississippi, and take in part of St. Paul. Just some little swampy part. Doesn't matter to me.
GK: I believe that a Congressional district has to be all within one state, sir.
TR (TEXAN): We can change that. That can be changed. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: I went back to Austin and had an hour to kill so I went to the Cattleman's Lodge. It was one of those bars where they keep the lights low and the air-conditioning high so as to keep the patrons dormant.
SS: Gitcha something?
GK: A martini straight up with a twist of barbed wire, not too rusty.
SS: Comin' right up. Hey. Don't I know you?
GK: I don't think so.
SS: Ain't you in a movie? You're in a movie.
GK: No, not me.
SS: The detective, Guy Noir, right?
GK: Yeah, but the guy who plays me is Kevin Kline.
SS: The actor with the mustache.
GK: Right.
SS: Oh. I thought maybe you were somebody famous.
GK: No.
SS: I had Joe Ely in here once.
GK: Is that right?
SS: Sitting right there. Joe Ely.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: He was nice.
GK: Sure.
SS: Very polite.
GK: Sure.
SS: Most of those celebrities are, don't you know.
GK: I didn't know.
SS: Ann Coulter wasn't. She came in and threw food at people.
GK: Ann Coulter did.
SS: Picked up cheesy nachos off her plate and just chucked em at people. We had to shoot her with the fire extinguisher.
GK: Joe Ely is the songwriter.
SS: Right. He's from Lubbock, you know.
GK: Is that right?
SS: Yeah. Lubbock.
GK: So is that Congressman. Roy Atkins. Scooter.
SS: Who?
GK: Your Congressman. Never mind.
SS: Joe Ely sat right there and ordered a 1982 Montrachet. A white wine. Never had anybody from Lubbock order a white wine from France before.
GK: Did you have it?
SS: Heck, no.
GK: What'd he have instead?
SS: Beer.
GK: Leave a tip?
SS: Sure.
GK: Big one?
SS: What business is it of yours?
GK: Just curious.
SS: What you coming in here asking questions like that for?
GK: Just curious.
SS: You some kind of a detective? Huh? What's going on here?
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's questions.....Guy Noir, private eye. (MUSIC OUT)