Garrison Keillor: I grew up here at Wolf Trap. I don't know if I ever told you this or not, but I know these woods and trails of Wolf Trap as well as I know my own backyard. My parents sent me here. My dad was an economist in the Bureau of Labor Statistics. My mom was in the Dept of Health, Education and Welfare. She administered safety standards for dolls, making sure that if a kid ate part of a doll, it wouldn't be bad for you. But then everything changed in Washington, as it sometimes does.
Tim Russell: We're going to have to leave Washington, son.
Sue Scott: This afternoon, in fact.
TR: The Republicans are in power and all of us liberals are being sent into exile in the north. Minnesota.
GK: Minnesota! But we'd die up there.
SS: You're young. You'll be okay. You'll adapt. We'll buy you sweaters and stuff.
GK: But what about you?
TR: Your mother and I are going to an indoctrination camp where liberals are retrained to become neo-conservatives.
SS: We have to do what's best for us, Carson. You can see that.
GK: But I'm your son.
TR: You'll be fine in Minnesota. You'll have to sleep under bridges for awhile, but there are programs and so forth, and you'll get some sort of vocational training, I'm sure--
SS: And in a couple years, after we complete neo-conservative training, maybe we'll send for you--(STING AND UNDER)
GK: We lived in Reston, Virginia, and that night I put some clean underwear in a neckerchief and tied it to a stick and wrote a note to my parents-- how do you spell cruel? C-r-e-w-e-l? "You are so cruel and if I ever have the chance, I will overthrow you and I will take over. Signed, More Liberal Than Ever." (DOG WHINE) No, you can't come with me, Shep. I'm hopping a freight train and going west to Seattle. (WHINE) Stay with them. But if they go over to supply-side economics, Shep, bite em in the butt. (DOG PANTING) (BRIDGE) So I walked toward the railroad tracks (OUTDOOR SOUNDS, CRICKETS, OWL, ETC) or where I thought the railroad tracks were, but I walked for miles and couldn't find them and then--I saw the wolf. (WOLF, QUESTIONING GROWL) I'm lost. I need your help. (WOLF RESPONSE). If you could take me home with you, just for the night, I'd be very grateful. (WOLF SNIFFING)He sniffed me and then he nodded.
TR (WOLF): This way. Follow me.
GK: What's your name?
TR (WOLF): Thomas.
GK: Aha. Does that mean I can go home again?
TR (WOLF): Is that a joke? I don't get it.
GK: Never mind.
And I followed him to a cave not far from here. Where I met my adoptive family. (WOLF QUARTET. SERIES OF HOWLS, ALMOST IN HARMONY)
It was crowded in the den. We squeezed in tight. It was very cozy. (WOLF TALK, SOFT, SNIFFING) They licked my face and hands. They named me ***--. And we lay up there at night in the summer and listened to concerts from the down here. Pete Seeger (BANJO) and Yo-Yo Ma (CELLO) and opera (TR & SS DUET: Fettucine marinara con questo d'amore) And by day I learned to speak wolf.
Wolf vocabulary is only about a hundred "words" and each one has hundreds of possible meanings -- (WOLF WORD), for example, can mean "the way the sky looks when winter is approaching" or "Are we going to have squirrel for the fourth day in a row?" or "There were fresh droppings on the trail today -- yours? No?" -- and verb tense is indicated by the angle of your tail, which in my case, I didn't have -- so I was limited to the present. I loved howling, which we did several times a week. We'd get together on our hill and call to wolves faraway (QUINTET: WOLF HOWL CHORD) and they'd answer (QUINTET, WELL OFF MIKE) and we'd respond (QUINTET: HOWLING CHORD).
And then one day my older brother took me aside up there near the parking lot...
TR (WOLF): I need to talk to you.
GK: You don't have to speak English. I can speak wolf. (GK WOLF RESPONSE)
TR (WOLF): I have to say this. You speak with a terrible accent.
GK: What? (GK WOLF RESPONSE)
TR (WOLF): You're too different. You don't fit in. Your sense of smell is poor. Your teeth are bad. You're not a good hunter. You'll never find a place in the pack. You'll be a lone wolf all your life.
GK: I disagree, I'm a differently-abled wolf, that's all. So? I'm smell-impaired. I'm working on it. Work with me.
TR (WOLF): You are no wolf.
GK: And he bit me. (TR LUNGE, SNARL, GK YELP). And he chased me (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, TR GROWLING AND BARKING) all the way to the highway where (TRAFFIC PASSING FAST) I crossed over a footbridge into a woods where there was a path and a little girl walking down the path with a red coat on and a hood.
SS (GIRLISH HUMMING): -- Oh! You startled me! Who are you?
GK: I'm a wolf.
SS: You don't look like one. You're just a naked homeless person.
GK: I'm a wolf. (HOWL)
SS: I don't think so.
GK: And she led me to her grandma's house.
Jearlyn Steele: Well, what do we have here?
SS: He says he's a wolf. I found him out on the path. He was eating a chipmunk. Euuuuuuu gross.
GK: They're good with the skins on.
SS: The skins! Euuuuuuuu gross.
GK: That's where all the nutrients are.
JS: Luckily for you, we're Democrats, son. Naked dirty people eating raw chipmunk. And spitting the toenails into the garbage. No problem. Here's a bar of soap, the shower is that way. (SHOWER)
GK: I took a shower and she trimmed my nails (CLIPPING) and she brushed my teeth (BRUSHING) and she brought me a pair of pants -- ouch-- I hadn't worn trousers in years, so they hurt -- so I wore a dress.
JS: Luckily for you, we're Democrats. A guy in a dress-- not a problem.
GK: I lived with Grandma for years and she was strict but fair.
JS: A few rules, Carson. No biting, not even in fun. Okay? Number 2. Stop marking the door to your room at night. Okay? Use a toilet. Number three, don't poke your head up my skirt and sniff my hinder. We don't do that. We're tolerant about other stuff, but we draw the line at our cracks, okay?
GK: And Little Red Riding Hood and I became close friends.
SS: Come here. (MURMUR OF CLOSENESS) My, what big teeth you have. My, what big muscles you have. (MURMURS) My...
GK: She was in heat, and we mated. (GK HOWL, SS REPLY, GK HOWL, SS REPLY, UNISON HOWL, HARMONY HOWL) And last year she had her first litter. A boy and a girl. We're bringing them up bilingual. And often we bring them to Wolf Trap. I like to stand at the edge of the woods and call to my family. There are thousands of wolves out there and when I call to them, they always answer. (HE HOWLS. AUDIENCE HOWLS BACK. REPEAT)