(BLOW HORN)
Garrison Keillor: The saga of Harold the Left Foot. (VIKING GRUNTS AND MURMURS) The son of Bjorn Yellow-Tooth, the son of Thor the Obnoxious. (GRUNTS AND MURMURS). Harold the Left Foot was a mighty man of war who was an expert swordsman. He could take his sword and kill a fly with it. (FLY BUZZING. THREE SWOOSHES OF SWORD. FLY BUZZING) You missed--
John C. Reilly: I didn't miss.
GK: The fly is still flying. (FLY BUZZING)
JCR: Yes, but it'll never have babies.
GK: Speaking of which, he had a beautiful daughter, Bebe White-Hair (SS SINGING) who was betrothed to the King Sigurd Poke In The Eye --
JCR: I'll marry my beautiful daughter to the king and he'll give me a big house and a thousand head of sheep. I'll never have to work again. I can just fool around with my sword.
King Sigurd Poke in the Eye got his name from the fact that as a joke he liked to stick a red-hot fork in somebody's eyeball (ROAR, POKE, SCREECH, KINGLY LAUGHTER) but he was crazy about Bebe White-Hair (SS SINGS, KINGLY LUST) so there was a big wedding feast (HORN BLOWS) and they all sat down in the King's long house and ate (DEVOURING AND SNARFLING) and they drank (GLUGGING) until they were full (BELCH) and they threw up (VOMIT) and then came the Wedding Dance (HORN) but Harold the Left Foot was not good to dance. (AWKWARD DANCING) Not compared to Fred of the Stairs (TAP DANCING), and many of the noblemen laughed at Harold (HEARTY LAUGHTER) and so he had to kill them (SIX SWIPES OF SWORD, SIX HEADS FALL) and it made a big mess. There was blood all over the wedding gifts (SHEEP) and Bebe White Hair burst into tears (SS SOBBING) and Harold the Left Foot grabbed his daughter (SHRILL CRY) and headed for the longboats.
REPEATED CRIES ("TO THE LONGBOATS"), THEN TR NORSE
JCR: What?
Tim Russell: NORSE
JCR: I don't get what you're saying.
TR: TO THE LONGBOATS!
JCR: That's what I said. (cries of TO THE LONGBOATS)
(SURF, GULLS)
GK: And so they sailed West-over-the-sea, Harold and his daughter Bebe and six of his good men and true. (MEN CHANTING AS THEY ROW -- ANE, TOW, TRAY, FEAR, rep.)
Sue Scott: You ruined my wedding! You've ruined my life!
JCR: Shut up and row. (ROWING)
GK: Back in Norway King Sigurd Poke In The Eye in his fury (ROAR) declared Harold the Left Foot an outlaw (ROAR) and ordered him killed and cut into little tiny pieces (ROAR) and the king ordered that people should jump up and down on those tiny pieces until there was nothing left of Harold but grease stains (ROAR) but it didn't matter because Harold was far away, sailing west over the sea.
Now Harold was aiming for Iceland but a big storm blew him off course (WIND, WAVES, THUNDER)
JCR: It's all gray out there -- a terrible fog -- I can't see a single star--
TR: NORSK
SS: That's the sail you're looking at, Father.
JCR: What? You mean, I've been steering the ship all this time staring at a piece of cloth? Why did nobody tell me?
TR: NORSK
SS: They are afraid of your anger, Father.
JCR: My anger! I never heard anything so ridiculous! Me? Angry? (JR ANGER, SWISH OF SWORD, DECAPITATION)
SS: You cut that man's head off.
JCR: He shouldn't have been there. OKAY, LISTEN UP, MEN. I'M SICK OF ALL THIS FEAR. HEAR ME?
(FEARFUL MURMURS)
JCR: I WANT PEOPLE ON THIS BOAT TO LIGHTEN UP. I WANT TO HEAR SOME LAUGHTER. OR ELSE I'M GOING TO START CUTTING OUT YOUR TONGUES. HEAR ME. LAUGH! (UNEASY LAUGHTER) LOUDER. (UNEASY LAUGHTER) That's better. Now-- onward! Onward to Iceland! (REPEATED. TR NORSK) What'd he say?
SS: He said, Onward to Iceland.
JCR: That's better. (HORNS)
GK: So Harold Left Foot was aiming for Iceland but a big storm blew him off course and there were icebergs (BIG GRINDING SOUND) and whales (HUMPBACK SINGING) and dolphins (DOLPHINS) and mermaids singing (SS SINGING) and so he got lost and instead of Iceland he went to Minnesota. (GRINDING OF BOAT COMING ASHORE)
JCR: What happened? Where are we?
TR: Maybe it's Iceland. (FOOTSTEPS IN MUD)
JCR: Then where's the ice? (COWS) What is that?
TR: Sounds to me like cows.
JCR: But we're fishermen. We are warriors. Vikings. (COWS)
TR: I don't think we're on the Atlantic anymore. (COWS)
JCR: Farmers?? We came all this way to be farmers??
TR: Here's a pail. Start milking.
JCR: You're a farmer's daughter now, Bebe. (SS SINGS) So shuddup and get busy making cheese. (BRIDGE)
GK: The Vikings stayed in Minnesota for several months and it was good. They found eggs (CHICKEN) and bacon (PIG) and they invented breakfast. They dug up mud from the river bottom and made coffee (PERCOLATOR). They invented golf (SWING, KONK, FLIGHT) and baseball (SWING, HIT) and tennis (TENNIS) except they played it with a bird (CAW) -- a small yellow bird that rolled itself into a ball and was hit back and forth (TENNIS WITH BIRD FOR BALL) -- and everything was fine until the first blizzard (BLIZZARD, WOLVES) and they managed to get their longboat into the water before it froze (RIGGING, MEN ROWING: AIN, TOE, TRAY, FEAR repeated) and the wolves chased them for awhile (SNARLING, HOWLING) and they rowed faster (AIN TOE TRAY FEAR repeated) and they kept going until they saw a big ship -- (SHIP'S HORN) --
JCR: The Titanic-- is that what that says?
TR: NORSK
JCR: Ahoy!!!! You guys pass a place called Iceland???
FN (OFF): What about ice?
JCR: Iceland!!!
FN (OFF): Ain't seen any ice!
JCR: Never mind. (WAVES, RIGGING)
GK: Onward they sailed to the east and then south and Harold Left Foot released three ravens (BIRD CAWS, WINGS) and they flew off and the boat followed them and there was Iceland, rising up from the sea.
JCR: Land ahead! (REPEATED BY FN, GK)
TR: NORSK
JCR: What'd he say?
FN: He said Land Ahead.
JCR: Hey you. Speak so I can understand you. (SHAKING TR)
FN: He just needs more coffee.
JCR: Bring him coffee!!! (CALL REPEATED)
GK: There were geysers there, steam coming out of the ground, so they were able to make espresso (ESPRESSO ROUTINE) and with a little caffeine in them, they looked around and saw a land that looked pretty good. It had geysers (BLOW), and glaciers (SLOW CREAKING) and puffins (SFX) and seals (SEALS) and there were whales (HUMPBACK) -- but unfortunately there was no oil under the ground.
JCR: No oil?
FN: We looked everywhere.
TR: NORSK
FN: He says there's no oil too.
JCR: Norway has oil.
SS: They're rolling in money.
JCR: If you'd married Sigurd you'd be rich.
SS: That's okay. I wasn't that into him anyway. I like it here.
JCR: You do? So do I. (SINGS)
JCR: And now, the end is near;
Our journey cross the sea to Iceland.
It's not a paradise
But it's okay, a pretty nice land
I had to break away
And take a path that was not taken
And not move to Stockholm
Or Copenhagen.
(CHORUS)
I've found my sacred ground
Though I don't know just what to make of it.
But here I'll settle down
And build a town and call it Reykavik.
We'll live a life that's full
And do things our way and not your way
And that is why we came
And we left Norway.
(BIG FINISH)
And that is why we came
And we left Norway.