Garrison Keillor: If you've been injured in an accident? (TIRES SCREECHING, CRASH) Or the victim of an assault? (KONK, GROAN) Or flattened by a steamroller? (ENGINE, SQUISH)-- give us a call at Baker, Barter, Burstyn & Barnes. No injury is too ridiculous. Slip on a banana peel...(SWOOSH, BANG, OUCH) or get hit with a frying pan...(BWA NN GGG)Or maybe you're trying out a pair of rocket-propelled roller skates and it gets away from you. (ROCKET, HIGH SPEED, CRASH INTO GLASS). Call Baker, Barter, Burstyn and Barnes for the maximum possible settlement. Say an office safe falls out of a window (FALLING SAFE) and you're walking along the street (WHISTLING) and it hits you on the head (BWANGGGG) and drives you ten feet into the ground. (OOFFFFF) And then a big boulder falls on you. (RUMBLE, CRUNCH) Or say you're in a room that's full of dynamite and you absent-mindedly light your cigarette. (HUMMING, STRIKE MATCH, LIGHT, INHALE, MAJOR EXPLOSION) And you are blown high in the air and through the clouds (FLIGHT) and you come down and your suspenders catch on a church steeple (BOINNNNGGGG) and you are flung back in the air (BOINGGGG, CRY OF FEAR) and you are caught in the air by a bald eagle (BIRD CRY) who carries you to the river and drops you in (CRY OF FEAR FALLING, SPLASH) and you grab hold of a log which is floating down the river and straight toward the sawmill (SAW) and you go through the sawmill and it cuts your hair off (CRY OF PAIN)
Tim Russell: This is Mike Barnes. These accidents involving dynamite happen more often than you think. And everyone thinks, it could never happen to me. But it does. And suddenly you find yourself flat as a pancake. Well, don't take it lying down. Know your rights. We'll take these jokers to court and win! We've sued every major corporation: including Acme Fireworks, Acme Roller Skates, and Acme Fruit. And Acme Slingshots. Say you try out a slingshot and it backfires and hits you right in the old schnozzola. (CREAK, WHANGGG, OUCH) We'll sue the pants off 'em. You'll be laughing all the