Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)
Garrison Keillor: It was April and starting to warm up in Minnesota. Finally time to rip off the (RIPPING) plastic dry-cleaning bags I had taped over the windows. The dry-cleaning bags with "fresh as a daisy" written all over them. (RIPPING ANOTHER WINDOW) Suddenly the world looked brighter. I had been sheltering a couple of robins in a file drawer and I opened a window so they could fly away (WINDOW SLIDES OPEN, BIRDS CHEEP) after I warmed them up with a hairdryer (DRYER). A beautiful April day and I was thinking about taking a walk. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yesh, Guy Noir here.
Sue Scott (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir-- it's Felicia at the State Theater in Minneapolis. We need your help. We've lost a bird-- it's for a show --
GK: A missing bird?
SS (ON PHONE): Yes, a loon.
GK: Look, I'm a private detective, I'm not an ornithologist.
SS (ON PHONE): Please--
GK: To me, Audobon is a freeway in Germany.
SS (ON PHONE): We need you--
GK: Okay. I'll be right over. (BRIDGE) (SOUND OF ANGRY CANADIANS) I got to the State Theater and had to make my way through a mob of angry Canadians marching in protest of American immigration policy, walking down the street with their arms locked singing Celine Dion songs. (ALL SINGING: MY HEART WILL GO ON) -- okay, folks-- what's going on here?
TR (CANADIAN): What's it about? Is that what you're asking? What's it about? Let me tell you what it's about. It's about the route.
GK: You talking about Route, a highway? Or root, the part of a plant?
TR (CANADIAN): That's what it's about. About the route. We're Canadians, not a bunch of louts, so we don't shout. But lest there be any doubt. The route is what it's about.
GK: I don't get it.
TR (CANADIAN): They're closing the route. At the border. Where we go to fish for trout. Where men go. It's the male route.
GK: You know, if you people would learn to speak English, it'd go a lot easier for you. You're worse than the Krauts.
TR (CANADIAN): You mean the krauts?
GK: . Get out of here.
TR (CANADIAN): Come on-- (THEY SING MORE OF "MY HEART WILL GO ON") (CANNON FIRING, CROWD UPROAR)
GK: Just then the police moved in with a big air cannon that shot hockey pucks into the crowd (CANNON, CROWD RUNNING AWAY) and I went inside the State Theater. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
SS: Mr. Noir-- thanks so much for coming.
GK: My pleasure-- Nice lobby.
SS: Come in-- we're rehearsing a new show-- (FOOTSTEPS) in this way--
GK: I never realized there was a State Theater in Minnesota--
SS: Yes, it was built in 1920 by the State of Minnesota -- it was the idea of Democrats--
GK: Yes, I could tell from the decor -- all the murals of naked people -- that's nothing Republicans would ever think of .
SS: Anyway, the theater is where the State of Minnesota puts on shows so we can give people useful information in an entertaining way--
GK: I see--
SS: Usually government press releases are so dry and boring, nobody reads them.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: For example-- Rondelle here is rehearsing the Department of Motor Vehicles number--
GK: Of course.
SS: She sings as she rides a motorcycle across the stage-- Ready, Rondelle? (MOTOR REVS, BAND STRIKES UP)
Jearlyn Steele (SINGS): You need a license to ride a bike.
If you don't have one--Take a hike.
But if your current license is lost,
You can get a replacement for a reasonable cost.
Just talk to me
At the DMV--
If you don't have a license in your billfold,
And you're pulled over by the Highway Patrol,
You'll be walking through the prison gates
To spend six months making license plates.
(BIKE REVS AND OFF)
SS: Nice, huh?
GK: Sure. Do people actually come in and see these shows?
SS: Of course they do-- look-- this is the big State Lottery number-- we've got sixteen dancing caribou in this-- (CARIBOU)--
GK: Those aren't elk? They look rather elklike. (ELK)
SS: I was told they were caribou.
GK: You guys caribou or elk?
Tom Keith (ELK): Caribou.
GK: All of you?
TK (ELK): All except her.
GK: Her? That's a female?
TK (ELK): (SNIFFS) Oh. You're right. She's a male. Male Caribou.
SS: Anyway, the caribou dance and it goes like this-- (PIANO STRIKE UP, DANCING FEET)
TR (SINGS): It's better than glassware, better than pottery
You can win cash in the state lottery,
It's better than truth, better than beauty,
A one- million dollar cash annuity.
So follow the dancing caribou--
And pick up a ticket for a dollar or two.
GK: It's interesting, but -- people actually pay money to come in here and watch this?
SS: People like it. It's got a lot of pizzazz.
GK: I'm sure.
SS: This is the next to last number-- the Department of Revenue--
GK: Lovely. (R&B BASS)
JS (SINGS): Paying your taxes is like ABC
With your seven-digit Minnesota tax ID
You do it online -- cause we're high-tech
And in twenty-one days you get a refund check.
GK: So anyway, what's this about the missing bird?
SS: It's a loon -- and it's in the sustainable energy number-- (TURKEYS)
GK: Along with the turkeys?
SS: Right. And the cows. And the camels. (SFX) We got them in the settlement with the tobacco companies.
GK: So what does the loon do?
SS: He's supposed to fly up with a torch in his mouth and light the rockets for the big finale.
GK: I'll bet if you just go ahead and do the number, he'll hear his cue and come and do it.
SS: Shhhhh-- they're beginning the big final scene.
(DRAMATIC FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
JS (ACTOR): You want to move where? Minnesota?
TR (ACTOR): It's there. It's always been there. We just didn't notice it before. I want to go. Now.
JS (ACTOR): But why, Arthur?
TR (ACTOR): For one reason--
TR (SINGS):
In Minnesota they have biofuels,
They get energy from animal stools
It's rich in methane, that's for sure--
Minnesota, moving forward with manure!
JS (ACTOR): But what if --what if we should be disappointed? Or cold? How do we know what moving to Minnesota might mean? For you and for me? For us?
TR (ACTOR): We can't know, Trish. We can't. We must follow our hearts. (LOON) Look-- a bird is leading us...
JS (ACTOR): He is beckoning with his wing-- and look-- (GLOCK) a rainbow--
TR (ACTOR): It's leading us north. Toward Minnesota. (BAND BUILD TO SONG)
ALL (SING): Climb every incline, although its slight--
Follow every road sign, please drive on the right--
Please observe speed limits, our children are slow --
Remember there's no smoking -- ANY WHERE YOU GO--
Indoors or outdoors, in woods or ravine--
There is no smoking-- keep Minnesota green.
(LOON FLYING, LIGHTS ROCKETS)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)