Garrison Keillor ...after this word from the Catchup Advisory Board.
Sue Scott: These are the good years for Jim and me. Jim turned fifty in March and his sister came over with twenty people to give him a surprise birthday party. He opened the door and they all jumped out of the bushes and yelled Happy Birthday. Jim doesn't care for surprises. And he hates parties. In addition to birthdays. So it was a bad combination. He dashed upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom and after an hour they went away. I gave him an exercise bike for his birthday and there it is in the basement, and now I have somewhere to hang the wet clothes that can't go in the dryer. And then this morning I came downstairs for breakfast and found Jim brooding over a bowl of bran flakes. Jim, honey, what's wrong?
Tim Russell: I think it's time we went our separate ways, Barb.
SS: You mean...a divorce!?
TR: I'm fifty, Barb. Time I find a trophy wife. A young blonde with highlights who looks good in a fur coat. Maybe someone who skis, or has an interest in small dogs.
SS: But Jim-the kids-we've had 25 years together...
TR: You're right. I feel as if we've pretty much run out of things to say, Barb. And I met Amber and suddenly everything clicked.
SS: Amber?? Amber??????
TR: My dental hygienist.
SS: You're dating your dental hygienist.
TR: April Fools, Barb.
SS: What?
TR: It was a joke.
SS: A joke!? Divorce is a joke?
TR: Lighten up, Barb. It's a day for laughter.
SS: Laughter isn't the same as cardiac arrhythmia, Jim.
TR: Sorry. I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
SS: Oh yeah? Well, you almost got a kick out of it. A kick right out the door.
TR: Oh come on.
SS: Oh come on, yourself. I'm in no mood for jokes. Not after I looked at my lottery ticket.
TR: What--
SS: I got all but one number right.
TR: Barb--
SS: Eleven numbers and I got ten of them right and one wrong. A one instead of a seven.
TR: How much?
SS: Thirty-five million.
TR: Thh-- th--thh--
SS: We came so close.
TR: We could change the one to a seven.
SS: I could never do that.
TR: I'll do it.
SS: I could never live with myself.
TR: You don't have to. I'll live with you.
SS: I just say it's a good thing we have ketchup. Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you forget what might have been, and come to accept what is. Let's have some ketchup right now, Jim.
TR: That was a joke about the lottery ticket, right?
SS: We don't need to be millionaires, Jim, or have trophy wives. Not while there's still ketchup in the fridge.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS)
These are the good years
With all a person wants
Glamour and romance and stylish nonchalance
Life is flowing Like ketchup on croissants
GK: Ketchup, for the good times
RD: Ketchup, ketchup.