(THEME)
Sue Scott: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Harmonica Sheet Music. If you're sick of your partner playing aimless melodies deep into the night, (AIMLESS HARMONICA) maybe it's time to pull out a little sheet music. Sheet music has a beginning, middle, and most importantly, an end. (RESOLVED HARMONICA CHORD) So you can get some sleep and wake up rested and ready for the trail. Harmonica Sheet Music. Because you don't have time for the refrain. And now. The Lives of the Cowboys.
(HORSE HOOVES, MOOING)
Tim Russell: How come they call em the Badlands, Lefty?
Garrison Keillor: Huh?
TR: Looking at the map of the Dakotas. Badlands. Something we oughta know?
GK: A lot of the early settlers developed a negative attitude, pardner.
TR: What was their problem?
GK: Settling was their problem. Out here, you're good as long as you stay moving. It's when you unpack that your attitude changes.
TR: Lucky we're cowboys.
GK: Luck or whatever you want to call it. No need for a map, though, Dusty. I've been through North Dakota before. I know all the shortcuts. Hey-- who's this up here?
TR: Looks like a woman crouched down behind a rock. An ambush, maybe.
GK: No, she's working at something. (GIDDYUP, HORSE HOOVES TROTTING) Howdy! (WHOAS, HORSES STOP)
SS: Oh hi. Didn't see you coming. Guess I was sorta absorbed in my work.
TR: What you doing out here all alone?
SS: Vanessa Cudahy's the name. I'm a geologist. University of North Dakota.
GK: Geologist? You look more like a movie star.
SS: I was a movie star. Got tired of the life. Too superficial.
TR: Didn't I see you in something?
SS: Made a romantic comedy called "I've Got Nothing to Wear".
TR: No--
GK: Anyway, I'm Lefty. And this here is my partner Dusty.
SS: Well, good for you. I don't have any problem with that. None whatsoever.
TR: Ain't that kind of partnership,
GK: We're cowboys. Driving cattle.
SS: Well whatever you want to call it, it's just fine with me. I'm all for it.
GK: I see you found yourself some dinosaur bones.
SS: Found some of those, and then I started to find some other stuff.
GK: And what's that?
SS: Come over to my campsite and I'll tell you all about it. (BRIDGE, HORSE WHINNY, COOKWARE, STIRRING) I'll mix up these biscuits and put em in the camp oven, we'll be ready for supper in just a few minutes.
GK: Smells good. Chicken?
SS: Tofu.
GK: Aha. Don't get much of that out on the trail.
TR: We try to shoot the buggers and they're too quick for us.
GK: I just can't believe that a beautiful movie star would give up the glamour and the money to come out here to North Dakota.
SS: I'm from North Dakota.
GK: Well, -- I was-- only--
SS: It was killing my soul. The agents and managers, the boyfriends, the gym memberships, the hair appointments and the waxing-but when I pick up a rock in my hand-- it's real. You know?
GK: Of course.
TR: So you're saying you don't wax anymore?
GK: Dusty, why don't you go check on your horse?
TR: Oh. Okay. (FOOTSTEPS, HORSE WHINNY)
SS: I didn't want to say this with your, uh, partner around, but I got me a big ethical and moral question. You look like an intelligent guy. Maybe you can help me. Can I trust you?
GK: In most things, yes. But if you were to throw yourself at me and tell me you wanted to be the mother of my babies, I might not be able to hold back.
SS: I'll keep that in mind. The problem, Lefty, is that I've discovered oil.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: I believe that one of the world's largest oil reserves is about six miles below our feet.
GK: Well, congratulations.
SS: I don't know whether to report my findings or not.
GK: Why wouldn't you?
SS: I'm afraid it would spoil North Dakota forever.
GK: How so?
SS: Oil money and democracy just don't go together. Look at Saudi Arabia. Look at Texas. Oil money and corruption go hand in hand. And this land around here is all owned by Elim Lutheran Church. The old Norwegian church. The farmers died and left everything to Elim. Little white frame church down by the Turtle River. Big graveyard. They're down to twelve members now.
GK: Sounds like a church a man might want to think about joining.
SS: Think again. Elim Lutheran is a bunch of old people who don't believe in mercy. They just never found evidence of it. They believe that they are condemned to live here as penance for the sins of their fathers.
GK: Yes, but new members could bring about change--
SS: You'd have to be voted in by the old members.
GK: And?
SS: You'd have to live with them for five years before they'd even vote on you. It wouldn't be fun.
GK: Neither is cowboying fun.
SS: But they're all in their eighties--
GK: Aha.
SS: I report this oil find and suddenly Elim Lutheran has 500 billion dollars in the treasury and the shock of it would kill them all off.
GK: So what would happen to the money?
SS: We're not sure. The bishop would call a meeting of churches and they'd try to figure it out, but--
GK: Five-hundred billion dollars--
SS: It would bring out the dark side in a lot of very nice people.
TR: (APPROACHING) So-- what did you find out here on the prairie, Miss Cudahy?
GK: She said the place to go get oiled tonight is Whitey's in East Grand Forks.
SS: That's right. East Grand Forks is where you go to cut loose. Grand Forks, you got too many academics here. Psychologists. People who like to watch other people have fun and try to find the causes. You want to have a big time, go across the river.
(THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Big Mother. We provide mature women as mentors to lonely men out on the range, to cook you dinner and make you feel guilty about it for the next few weeks. Big Mother. You'll be sorry when she's gone.