Garrison Keillor: ...after this message from Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie filling. (SURF, GULLS, BARE FEET IN WET SAND) It's March-which means spring to some of you, but not here in Grand Forks. (BLIZZARD, WOLF) Winter marches on. Roads are icy (WHEELS SPINNING), and people are isolated, and you sit in your house as the supply of frozen dinners out on the porch dwindles, and life gets a little thin sometimes.
Sue Scott: Cold out.
Tim Russell: Yeah.
SS: They say it might warm up.
TR: Yeah?
SS: You okay?
TR: Yeah.
SS: Aren't you gonna ask me how I am?
TR: Okay. How are you?
SS: I'm fine.
TR: Good.
GK: It's called cabin fever. (TV AUDIO) You've seen everything on TV ten times and one day, out of exasperation (GUNSHOT, GLASS BREAKAGE) you shoot the newscaster and you sit and listen to the clock tick. (TICKING). And the phone rings. (RING). (PICK UP) (UNINTELLIGIBLE FEMALE VOICE AT OTHER END) It's your sister. She lives in the Napa Valley among the vineyards. She's calling from her mountain bike. She's in a memoir-writing group. She's writing about North Dakota. How are you? She says.
TR: Fine.
GK: How's winter? She asks.
TR: Fine.
GK: People in Grand Forks, N.D., start to fantasize about Fort Lauderdale.
SS: Hi. Would you mind rubbing oil on my back? You want to come to a party at our motel? You look so much like Ben Affleck. Did anyone ever tell you that?
GK: Especially college kids - they all dream of going south.
SS: My name is Amber. What's your major? Oh wow. English. That is so cool. I am totally into, like, words and stuff. Would you take a look at my thong in back? Did it come loose? It feels loose.
GK: Spring break in Florida. Coconut oil (SPLORT), and alcohol (POP TOP) and wild dancing (WHOOPEES), and easy intimacy. If only it were that simple. You're walking barefoot down the beach in the twilight and suddenly, there's a chopper overhead (CHOPPER) Then you hear the -- (TR ON BULLHORN: Hold it there clown-- Federal Drug Agents.) And then you remember the guy at the motel -- the packs of sugar he gave you (FN PANIC) you pull off onto the beach and run along the water (FN ANXIETY, RUNNING FEET, SURF) and the choppers follow you, their big searchlights waving across the water (CHOPPER, TR ON HORN: You got nowhere to go, clown) (FN HORROR, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and you lose your balance and you fall (FN FALLING) into a pit and there are great big things moving around in here (GATOR BREATHING) with rough horny skin-- (FN : "ALLIGATORS!") and you climb out of there just avoiding (SNAP) their jaws and you run in sheer terror (FN RUNNING, TERROR) through the dark and now you're in the water -- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS IN WATER) and there are jellyfish and stingrays all around you (SQUISHING, PANIC, FEET THRASHING, PROTOPLASM) and you lose your mind (FN HYSTERIA) and you dive into the surf (DIVE) and swim fast (FAST SWIMMING STROKES, PANICKY BREATHING) as the chopper searchlight lights up the water (CHOPPER) and just ahead you see a big black fin heading your way. (JAWS THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? (MUSIC THEME) Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.