(GUY NOIR THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye --
Garrison Keillor: It was February and I was having radiator problems in my office in the Acme Building, due to a misunderstanding with my landlord, so I was sitting at my desk wrapped in an overcoat trying to type a letter (VERY SLOW TYPING) which isn't easy when you're wearing mittens. -- "Dear Acme Corporation," I wrote, "Having a tenant die of exposure could not be good publicity for any office building." (PHONE RING. SECOND RING. PICK UP) Yeah, Guy Noir.
TR (NYER, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's Herb Garden down in Miami. I'm with Crosswinds Cruise Lines.
GK: I see.
TR (NYER, ON PHONE): I'll put it to you straight. We have a cruise leaving in six hours, our Broadway Babies cruise, and we need a security man.
GK: Uh huh. I don't really do security work, I solve crimes, track down missing heiresses, find amnesia victims, that sort of thing, but what does it pay?
TR (NYER, ON PHONE): It doesn't pay, Mr. Noir. We've never paid. You get a bunk and you can eat all the fruit you want.
GK: I see. Usually I go for a couple hundred bucks a day.
TR (NYER, ON PHONE): I can offer you a lower bunk and fresh fruit.
GK: Well, a lower bunk. That's different. Sure. (STING, BRIDGE) (CRUISE SHIP HORN, GULLS) The ship was the SS Ponce de Leon and it was tied up at the wharf (FOOTSTEPS, FORK LIFT, VOICES OF CREW) where a large load of Metamucil was being loaded aboard and Mr. Garden's assistant, Berniece, was waiting for me. .
Sue Scott: This is our fourth Broadway Babies cruise, Mr. Noir. We do a jazz cruise and singles cruises and Christian cruises and these Broadway cruises are the most successful. We hire some old washed-up hoofers and belters to come and perform their old hits and we show movies of old musicals and everybody gets soused and gains twenty pounds and loses a thousand bucks at the roulette wheel and that's that.
GK: Sounds like a piece of cake. '
SS: Yes. Until now. Have you ever heard of Broadway Tourette's?
GK: Is that like a Broadway tour?
SS: We have fifty passengers booked on this cruise who, we now discover, have Broadway Tourette's.
GK: The vocal form of Tourette's?
SS: It's the sudden involuntary spasmodic singing of Broadway songs.
GK: So it's a compulsion.
Fred Newman (PASSING): Hi, is this the way to the WE'VE GOT MAGIC TO DO--JUST FOR YOU first-class lounge -- I'm looking for my wife.
SS: That way, sir.
FN: Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: He was one of them, right?
SS: You noticed.
GK: So what do you want me to do, ma'am?
SS: Protect those people from their fellow passengers. Don't let anyone throw food at them. Or throw them over the side.
(STING, BRIDGE)
GK: I headed for the ship through a group of dining room waiters (SPANISH TUMULT) I walked up the gangway and aboard ship and got in an elevator (DING, DOORS CLOSE, RISING) and went up to the Promenade Deck--where a band was playing (VOCAL BAND: HELLO DOLLY) and folks were moving slowly through the chow line, heaping their plates with barbecue and mashed potatoes -- it was impossible to tell who was the Tourette's and who wasn't-- until one came up to you.
TR: You don't know where I'd find the napkins SOME ENCHANTED EVENING YOU WILL MEET A STRANGER YOU WILL SEE A STRANGER ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM-- and the knives and forks?
GK: They're on the tables, sir.
TR: Oh, right. Thanks.
GK: One of the faded Broadway stars came walking by in a leopardskin wrap, leading a dog (YIPS)--
FN (LURLEEN): Come, Ethel. Don't dawdle, precious. Let's tinkle and get it over with. (YIPS)
GK: And everyone groveled and fawned over her. (TR & SS MURMURING: I am your biggest fan, I love everything you do, I have seen every show you ever did nine times, I adore you, I kneel at your feet, I kiss the tips of your fingers, I kiss your shoes, I want to wash your clothes.)
(BOAT HORN)
GK: The crew was casting off the line and people were gathering on the Lido deck (VOICES IN PASSING, LAUGHTER) people drinking and people chowing down at the buffet (FOOD SCARFING) and sitting in the hot tub (JACUZZI) and kids playing video games (PINBALL) --and a man and a woman playing ping-pong.
(LONG PING PONG VOLLEY, THEN.....)
SS: My point.
TR: What? It caught the edge of the table.
SS: It did not. TRY TO REMEMBER THE KIND OF SEPTEMBER, WHEN LIFE WAS SLOW AND OH, SO MELLOW.
TR: It did so. TO DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM, TO FIGHT THE UNBEATABLE FOE
GK: Excuse me, folks. I'm the Tourette's security man. Noir is my name.
SS: Who are you? We've got this table, mister.
TR: MASTER OF THE HOUSE. KEEPER OF THE ZOO. READY TO RELIEVE 'EM OF A SOU OR TWO.
GK: I'm only suggesting for your own safety that maybe you oughta take your medications.
SS: For what? Take your own medications.
TR: Yeah.
SS: Nothing wrong with us. I FEEL PRETTY. OH SO PRETTY.I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAY
TR: (SIMUL) MARIA....... I JUST MET A GIRL NAMED MARIA.....(BRIDGE)
GK: So that was my job. To watch over compulsive singers and keep them from being a nuisance to the other passengers. (FOOTSTEPS) It was an international crew on the Ponce de Leon. The captain and the ship's officers were all Swedish (TR SWEDISH, SONAR IN BACKGROUND) and the stewards were all Russian (
TR: RUSSIAN) and the dining room waiters were Cuban (HISPANIC TUMULT) except for the Italian restaurant where they were (TR ITALIAN) and the engine room crew was German (TR GERMAN) and the stylists in the beauty shop were French, of course (TR FRENCH). I had a regular beat I walked. Past the game room (SS OFF: B-14......B-14) -- and the movie theater (FN SAX UNDER TR & SS MOVIE DIALOGUE: Sam......Susan......O it's you. Thank God.......Yes, it's me.) and past the showroom where Sarah Tonin was rehearsing her salute to Sondheim--
FN (LURLEEN): Isn't it rich?
Aren't we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
GK: And past the casino (ROULETTE WHEEL) and all the way to the exercise room in the bow (TREADMILL, EXERCISE MACHINES) and then I headed back the other way....(ROULETTE WHEEL) (FOOTSTEPS)
FN (LURLEEN): Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
(FOOTSTEPS)
(FN SAX UNDER MOVIE DIALOGUE: Where have you been?......Looking for you........Oh darling. Hold me.) (FOOTSTEPS) (SS OFF: O-45......) And back and forth I walked, ready to save anyone from physical attack for singing "Tomorrow".
TR: Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes, sir. Mr. Garden--
TR: How's everything going?
GK: It's going well, sir, and thank you for hiring me.
TR: Your bunk is comfortable?
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: You getting enough fresh fruit?
GK: Yes, indeed, sir.
TR: Okay. Then I'll leave you to your work.
GK: Yes, sir. (BRIDGE)
GK: Ever so often, I'd head up to the bridge and hang out there -- (SONAR) a whole bank of instruments and the Captain sitting there in his cups (SWEDISH) -- a computer was steering the ship, he was drinking beer (POURING) and singing to himself (TR SINGS IN SWEDISH: OOOOOOOOOOOKLAHOMA......AND SWEDISH) I went down to the engine room (CREAKING DOOR. ENGINE THROBBING), nobody there -- whole thing operated by computer (COMPUTER) -- I followed a passageway amidships to a room where -- (SHEEP) there were live animals -- (LION) all kinds of animals -- (ELEPHANT) and two of each one -- (WOLF) what was that all about? -- (CAT) I wasn't sure I wanted to know--(FOOTSTEPS) It smelled terrible but then it was the Poop Deck after all. I headed topside and came out on the promenade deck and there was a door that said Bow, or Bow (CREAKING DOOR) and there was the bow and a couple standing and having their picture taken with downtown Miami in the background. It was them.
TR: Sweeten up to me there, honey.
SS: I'm about as sweet on you as I can be.
TR: Six days of sun and fun and listening to our favorite Broadway songs, just think of it.
SS: It's a dream come true, Herb.
TR: You have to push the release button and then press the shutter.
FN: Which button is that? This one? BRING HIM HOME.
TR: Press the green button and hold it down, then the shutter.
FN: Which is the shutter? BRING HIM HOME.
TR: It's right there on top.
FN: I'm not seeing it. BRING HIM HOME.
TR: Enough with the Les Miz, mister, or I will make you less miserable, if you know what I mean.
GK: He can't help it, sir, he has Broadway Tourette's.
TR: Butt out, wouldja.
SS: Herb, don't make a scene, please.
TR: The man doesn't even know how to operate a digital camera.
FN: Wait. I see it. There it is. Smile. BRING HIM HOME.
TR: Okay, that's enough. Gimme the camera.
FN: I can do it. Let me take your picture. BRING HIM HOME.
SS: Herb, don't--
TR: (STRUGGLING) Give me the camera. Hand it over.
FN: It's okay. I can BRING HIM HOME.
GK: Gentlemen, please.
SS: Herb, I am going to the room.
TR (STRUGGLING): He won't give me back the camera.
GK: He's having a seizure, sir.
FN: ONE SINGULAR SENSATION, EVERY LITTLE STEP HE TAKES.
TR: Well, that's better. Chorus Line. But give me the camera.
SS: Herb, you are ruining this trip for me.
GK: He has Broadway Tourette's, sir. He can't help it.
TR: Who asked you? Gimme that! (STRUGGLE)
FN: BRING HIM HOME
TR: (STRUGGLING) Okay, goombah-- you asked for it-- (KONK)
SS: You hit him!
TR: He's got my camera.
FN: SLOWLY, GENTLY, NIGHT UNFURLS ITS SPLENDOUR.....
GK: You should never hit anyone with Broadway Tourette's, sir. Never. They go into a daze.
FN: LET THE DREAM BEGIN, LET YOUR DARKER SIDE GIVE IN.....
GK: He's going to be singing that for the rest of the trip.
SS: Come, Herb. Have a Scotch and 7-Up, it'll settle you down.
TR: Can I have my camera back?
FN: BRING HIM HOME
TR: I'll bring her home as soon as you give me my camera, you goombah.
SS: Herb, don't make a scene.
TR: Who's making a scene? I'm not making a scene! He's the one making a scene! (FADING) A scene!!! You want to see a scene??? I'll show you a scene.
FN: BRING HIM HOME
GK: You know anything from "Music Man"?
FN: ONE THRILLING COMBINATION, EVERY MOVE THAT HE MAKES
GK: No, "Music Man" -- how about "Shipoopi"-- "Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi"
FN: BRING HIM HOME
GK: This way, sir. We've got some Zoloft waiting for you below decks. (FOOTSTEPS)
FN: TAKE THIS CUP AWAY FROM ME
GK: How about "Ya Got Trouble"? Huh? You know that one? With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool? (BRIDGE)
TR: What's wrong with these people? I keep running into them in the Jacuzzi, the exercise room, the restaurant-- you say good morning and all of a sudden they're doing "Phantom of the Opera" --
GK: It's Broadway Tourette's, sir. It's a neurological disorder. They don't even know they're doing it.
TR: Well, I know they're doing it and I'd like them to stop doing it. I paid good money for this cruise. I didn't shell out the shekels so I could sit in a hot tub and hear some dame sing something from "Cats" -- oh no--
SS (DEEP): Hi there. I'm looking for the souvenir shop.
GK: It's on the Promenade Deck, ma'am. This is the Lido deck.
TR: This is the pest who's been following me around all day.
SS (DEEP): Where is the Promenade Deck?
GK: That would be down the stairs. You've got the Lido deck, then the Navigation deck, then Upper Promenade, then the Promenade.
TR: Get her away from me, that's all I ask.
SS (DEEP): So it's two floors down?
GK: They're not floors, they're decks. And it's three decks down.
TR: Just go away, wouldja.
SS (DEEP): What's your problem, mister?
TR: My problem is you. You and your singing.
SS (DEEP): I have no idea what you're talking about.
GK: Just go to the elevator and press Promenade. The gift shop is on the port side.
TR: You've been getting on my nerves all day, lady.
SS (DEEP): Well, I don't see that that's my problem I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM, WHAT TO DO HOW TO MOVE HIM
GK: Let's get you out of here, ma'am.
TR: That's the 14th time she's done that! I've had it!!!!
GK: Sir! No! Don't do that. (BWANG)
SS: THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS.
(BRIDGE)
GK: We finally had to segregate them. We moved all of the Broadway Tourette's people to the Veranda deck and gave them the deluxe rooms and moved the others down to steerage, which they didn't mind. The Broadway Tourette's people had a separate seating in the dining room and were not allowed on deck except during certain hours when you'd find them, having a wonderful time, standing at the rail, looking out at the big blue sea.
SS: I have to say, I feel more relaxed than I have in years.
TR: I love cruises.
SS: I never thought I would, but I do. You know what I mean?
FN: You don't have the stress that you ordinarily have with travel.
TR: That's true. It's so relaxed.
SS: And you get around and see places but you sleep in the same bed every night.
FN: And the entertainment isn't bad.
SS: Oh yeah? I haven't been to the showroom.
TR: You haven't? Really?
FN: You haven't seen Sarah Tonin?
SS: Who is she?
TR: She was the original Julie in "Away We Go"--
FN: Who wrote that?
TR: "Away We Go"???? You don't know who wrote "Away We Go"????
SS: That wasn't Jule Styne, was it?
TR: It was Kander & Zoloft.
FN: Kander & Zoloft wrote "Away We Go"--
TR: Kander & Zoloft. Nineteen seventy-two. Right after they wrote "Hot Tamales" --
FN: Speaking of Zoloft-- I better get down to my room and take my Prozac.
SS: You on Prozac too?
FN: Yeah.
SS: Does it help?
FN: Oh yeah.
SS: I take it but sometimes I skip a dose. I just don't like the idea of being on medication, you know what I mean? SHOULD I BRING HIM DOWN? SHOULD I SCREAM AND SHOUT?
TR: Well, I better go, too. IF EVER I WOULD LEAVE YOU, IT WOULDN'T BE IN SUMMER.
FN: Yeah. Nice talking to you. BRING HIM HOME.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)