(ORGAN)
Tim Russell: Once again we take you to Wentworth College and the offices and studios in the basement of Folwell Hall for the adventures of Paul Ridley, Public Radio Program Director. (FADE)
Sue Scott: People have been calling in to complain about the Japanese koto program this morning, Mr. Ridley. There's a crowd of protesters on the street. The audience is up in arms.
Garrison Keillor: Why in the world? We're bringing them beautiful things. Listen-- (KOTO SOLO) It's so evocative.
SS: I know but it's been on for an hour. And it's Christmas, Mr. Ridley.
GK: Listen. Right here. I love this part-- (KOTO SOLO) Hear that? It's almost like haiku, isn't it.
SS: Almost, yes.
GK: I thought our listeners loved our eclectic programming. We have the most eclectic programs in radio. When it comes to eclecticism, we take backseat to nobody. "The Koto Hour" -- "Foreign Policy Today" -- "New Dimensions in Wind Chimes" -- Exploring the Sonnet" -- "The Gamelan Hour" -- "This Upper Midwest Life"-- the list goes on and on. And all of them have won awards.
SS: Yes, but there's a revolt going on, sir. There's a whole crowd of angry people gathering outside the building. They're carrying torches and --(CRASH OF GLASS)
GK: What was that?
SS: Someone threw a rock through the window. With a note attached to it. (UNFOLD PAPER)
GK: It says -- "We want Christmas music." (CLATTER UP ABOVE) But we have Christmas music. Every Monday from 11 to 11:45 on "Sounds of the Season" -- What's that?
SS: They're on the roof.
GK: What's the big deal about Christmas music? It's only one kind of music.
SS: Why not just give them what they want, sir? We don't have much time--
GK: I'm not here to pander to these people, Miss Gerhardt. I'm a public radio program director. I'm here to challenge them. To expand their world. (CRASH OF GLASS)
SS: It's another rock. (UNFOLD PAPER) "We want to hear O Little Town of Bethlehem in fifteen minutes or else you are toast."
GK: They're being very unreasonable. --
SS: Sir-- what if we play some Christmas music on our other programs? This, for example, is a CD of Christmas bagpipe music -- (BAGPIPE PLAYING "O HOLY NIGHT") --
GK: I suppose we could use that on our Celtic program on Tuesday mornings--
SS: And there's this CD, "A Bedouin Christmas" -- (OUD PLAYING "SILENT NIGHT")
GK: Interesting. I suppose that could go on our "Sounds of the Middle East" Saturdays at one. (POUNDING ON IMMENSE DOOR)
SS: Sir-- there are men at the door.
GK: Send them away. (FOOTSTEPS) Oh, hello.
Fred Newman (DWARF): We have come to take over your radio station. You are no longer in charge. We are in charge.
GK: Sir, that is not what I would call a reasonable statement. That is no starting point for a productive discussion.
FN (DWARF): Well, it's the truth. Unless we hear "O Little Town of Bethlehem" in five minutes, you're out on your keester.
GK: Sir--
SS: Just do as they say, sir. All they want is a little Christmas music.
GK: But commercial radio is full of Christmas music--
SS: No, it isn't. Listen-- (TURNING DIAL. HIP HOP. THEN DIAL TO
TR: My friends, look at how liberals like Charles Dickens have taken the Christmas message and twisted it to -- TURN DIAL TO HEAVY METAL. TURN DIAL TO TR HOWARD STERN: So go ahead. Take it off. Let's see. Oh boy. Oh wow. Oh you turn me on for sure. TURN DIAL TO ELECTRO POP. TURN DIAL TO
SS: You were in a big hurry and you married the girl and had a kid and now there you are. You made your bed and now lie in it. Don't come whining to me. I can't help you.
TR: Thank you, Dr. Laura.
SS: Shape up. You hear me?
TR: I hear you. TURN DIAL TO HAWAIIAN GUITAR AND THEN TO
TR: And right here in the Book of Revelations, we see so clearly that the last days are upon us. TURN DIAL TO HIP HOP.) See?
GK: I thought everybody was playing Christmas music.
FN (DWARF): Sing "O Little Town of Bethlehem"--
GK: Me?
FN (DWARF): You know the words-- sing it--
GK: I'm not going to stand here and have you tell me to-- (LASER WHOOSH & GLISS)
(MOUSE SQUEAK)
GK (REVERB): My gosh. These enormous whiskers. These little pointed ears. He's turned me into a mouse. I think. (MOUSE SQUEAK) That's me. Those squeaks are coming out of my mouth.
(TR & SS & FN ARE NOW HIGH ABOVE GK)
FN (DWARF): There's your boss. He's become a rodent.
TR (HIGH): Very nice work. I don't think he'll be writing more memos anytime soon.
SS: I always wanted to poison him. Now I get my chance.
(MOUSE SQUEAK)
GK (REVERB): No-- No -- Here, I'll get under here. (SQUEEZE) There. Made it. Now if I can just get through here. -- (SQUEEZE) --
SS: Don't let him get away!
GK (REVERB): Maybe I can squeeze up here. (SQUEEZE) Crawl up here and -- (SQUEEZE) -- crawl down into this cold air return (SQUEEZE, PLOP). There. Made it. I'll wait until everybody goes home and then -- something will turn up. Other people have been downsized. I'll work out something. Hmmmm. I smell cheese. (SNIFFING) It's good cheese. (SNIFFING) Somehow I have a feeling this isn't quite right, but-- it can't hurt to go find it. (MOUSE FOOTSTEPS) Smells like it's around here. Somewhere. Aha. (SNIFF) Oh that does smell good. Wow. Look. It's a Peabody Award. And a MacArthur grant. With my name on it. And it's smeared with cheese. Oh wow. What an honor. Oh thank you, thank you. (BIG SNAP) (THEME UP)
TR (ANNC): The adventures of Paul Riddle, Public Radio Program Director--..join us next time when we hear Leonora say--..
SS: Paul is okay. He injured his neck trying to get some cheese and he's going to be out for a few weeks and in the meantime, we have a new music policy. (JINGLING) It's Christmas, folks. Let's get happy. (CHRISTMAS TUNE)