(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)
(TV AUDIO)
Garrison Keillor: I was in New York. I'd come the week before to check on a student at NYU, whose parents were worried because they didn't hear from her -- answ
ER: she was busy -- so I was about to check out of my hotel on Eighth Avenue and 49th -- I was just grabbing the extra soap out of the bathroom when --(KNOCKS) Yeah? Who is it?
TR (RICO, MUFFLED): It's me. Joey.
GK: Joey who?
TR (RICO, MUFFLED): Let me in.
GK: Be right there. (DOOR OPEN) Yeah?
TR: (RICO) I understand from the hotel doorman that you are a private investigator.
GK: Right. Who are you?
TR (RICO): I am looking for someone who can investigate an incident that occurred about ten minutes ago. The name is Joey Robitussin. But they call me Joey Roast Beef. Mind if I come in?
GK: Come in. (DOOR CLOSE) So what happened that you want me to investigate, Joey?
TR: I'm standing in front of the Planet Pastrami Deli, with some associates of mine, and suddenly something hits me on the head. Bang! Right in the gourd. So I yell, "I'm hit!" and everybody hits the ground, and then we look around for the projectile and-- nothing.
GK: Nothing.
TR (RICO): Felt like it mighta been a rock or a frozen knish or something, but it was gone.
GK: And was it snowing at the time?
TR (RICO): There was snow involved, yes.
GK: My guess is it might've been a snowball, thrown by a kid. I'd recommend you just forget about it. Kids do that. Throw snowballs. Nothing personal.
TR: Yeah, except it happened in front of my associates. You don't get the name "Joey Roast Beef" by forgetting about it.
GK: Okay. How about I go to Planet Pastrami and ask to see the tape from their security camera?
TR: Planet Pastrami ain't got no security cameras. Take it from me. I made sure of that.
GK: Hmm, did you get a look at the individual who threw the snowball?
TR: If I got a look at the individual who threw the snowball, there wouldn't be any individual who threw the snowball anymore, right?
GK: Okay.
TR: I say all you gotta do is stand in front of the Planet Pastrami until somebody hits you with a snowball.
GK: You want me to--
TR: Two hundred bucks a day plus expenses.
GK: Well, sure. Why not? (BRIDGE) Any excuse to spend a little longer in New York is fine by me. A grand old city and one of the few great pedestrian cities in the world, a city that's meant to be seen on foot. I didn't mind standing on the corner of 49th and Eighth Avenue for two hundred bucks. And the snow had melted so my chances of getting hit by a snowball were -- about a snowball's chance in Manhattan.
(TRAFFIC, VOICES PASSING, MAN PLAYING SAXOPHONE, VENDER, NEW YORK AMBIENCE) So I took up my post there in front of the Planet Deli and letting Eighth Avenue flow past me like a moving picture by Thomas Hart Benton with some help from Jackson Pollock, Red Grooms, and Toulouse-Lautrec. The neon, the taxis, the buses,
the theater-goers hurrying to make the matinee curtain, the marquee on 49th for "Sweeney Todd," the lamps at the subway entrance-- the Salvation Army band with a pot hanging from a tripod......(DING HANDBELL) (BAND PLAYS CHORUS OF CHRISTMAS CAROL) Christmas in New York. I don't know why but the city makes you feel important. Maybe it's just if you're from the Midwest. You're visiting here, you never went through hardship here, and the city gives you a lift. In fact it sort of gives you delusions of grandeur. Just looking at tall buildings somehow makes you feel taller. Beautiful women walking by you make you feel attractive too. The lights, the action -- somehow you think, hey, I could get lucky here.
(REVERB): You could get lucky here.
GK: Who are you?
ER (REVERB): I'm your muse.
GK: My muse! Why me?
ER (REVERB): I was in the neighborhood, I saw you standing here, so I came over to sit on your shoulder.
GK: A muse. I never had one before.
ER (REVERB): Well, I'm the muse of musicals.
GK: What's your name?
ER (REVERB): Boffo.
GK: And you inspire musicals?
ER (REVERB): That's my job.
GK: You worked with Sondheim on "Sweeney Todd"?
ER (REVERB): I was responsible for "Sweeney Todd" -- I thought up the idea of the barber -- he was going to have it be a chiropractor. I worked with Mel Brooks on his big musical. Before I came along he was calling it "The Associate Producers" -- I put him straight.
GK: I've thought of writing a musical. I mean, what does Sondheim have that I don't?
ER (REVERB): (PAUSE) I could answer that question, but how much time do you have?
GK: It'd be great. A private eye musical. A dancing detective. I'd call it "Guy & His Dolls"--
ER (REVERB): Don't worry about the title. That comes later.
TR (RICO): Hey, Noir. Anything happen yet?
GK: Oh, hi. Joey. Nope.
TR (RICO): You ain't seen anybody?
GK: Nobody with a snowball, no.
TR (RICO): Okay. Well, keep your eyes open. And-- just between you and me-- don't stand here talking to yourself, okay?
GK: Was I talking to myself?
TR (RICO): Yeah. Take it easy with that or it might become a habit. (FADING) Come on boys, let's go in......
GK: You really think I could write a musical.
ER (REVERB): With me helping you? Sure. I'll be your Muse.
GK: So what do I have to do?
ER (REVERB): Listen to me and trust what I say.
GK: This is going to take awhile, isn't it?
ER (REVERB): It all depends.
GK: I mean, I'm not going to just sit and write some terrific lyric on a napkin--
ER (REVERB): Sure, you will. Paper napkins are better, believe me. White ones.
Sue Scott (NYER): Excuse me-- are you going to be standing here for a minute?
GK: Yeah?
SS (NYER): Would you mind holding my dog? I gotta go in for a minute. (WOOFS)
GK: Well, I don't know--
SS (NYER): I'm in a hurry. Here. I'll be back in two minutes.
GK: He's kind of a big dog.
SS (NYER): That's why I can't take him in. Here. (FADING) Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. (WOOFS) (BRIDGE) I stood there on 49th and 8th Avenue, holding a leash with a dog the size of a Shetland pony, being paid to wait for somebody to throw a snowball at me, and thinking about writing a musical. Hey. It's New York. Why not?
GK: So what do I need for a hit musical?
ER (REVERB): First of all, you need a big opening number, a torch song in Act 2, a love duet in act 3, and beautiful
women in period costumes in a kickline at the end. A line of long-legged women dancing with their hands up over their heads.
GK: Okay. And me-- the suave mature singing-and-dancing man about town.
ER (REVERB): We'll work that out later. So, the curtain goes up on a street scene. A lamppost. A pool of light. The detective walks in, stops -- he's wearing a double-breasted blue pinstripe suit, a gray fedora -- he lights a cigarette, and a beautiful dame in a red dress walks past, and he eyeballs her, and he sings.
GK: Sounds perfect. And what then?
ER (REVERB): He sings.
GK: I sing what?
ER (REVERB): That's what I'm here for. I'll tell you. (NEW YORK AMBIENCE OUT)
(SOFT SHOE ROUTINE)
GK:
I solve mysteries
I'm a private eye
And you are a lady
Who can mystify
I ask you out
Come on, baby.
Your lips say No
But your eyes say Maybe.
It ain't that hard,
Solving crime.
If you got the talent
And you got the time.
Here's how you do it
First you're obtuse
Then you intuit
And then you deduce--
(DOG BARKS) (NEW YORK AMBIENCE IN, DOG WOOFS) Hey, easy-easy-- down, boy. You're interrupting my train of thought.
SS: Nice looking dog.
GK: Thanks, but--
SS: He's extremely alert. Beautiful eyes. You ever think about auditioning him for a show?
GK: No, why?
SS: He's be perfect in "Annie"-- in the role of Sandy. Can he dance?
GK: I don't know.
SS: Here's my card-- if you're interested.
GK: Joan Stein. Not THE Joan Stein.
SS: You've seen my shows?
GK: I loved your shows.
SS: Thanks. You want tickets to my new one, lemme know.
ER (REVERB): Say yes.
GK: Yes. Sure. I'd love to see it.
ER (REVERB): Sing your song for her.
GK: Hey, Miss Stein-- you got a minute? I know you're busy, people probably stop you on the street all the time, say "Hey Joan" listen to this--
SS: What you got?
GK: Idea for a musical called "Guy and His Dolls"--
SS: Catchy title.
GK: About a dancing detective.
TR (RICO): Hey Noir-- what you doin with the dog?
GK: Just a minute, Joey--
TR (RICO): Don't "Just a minute" me-- I'm talking to you.
GK: I'm talking to her.
TR (RICO): You're talking to me right now and I'm telling you, lose the dog. How you gonna find the snowball guy with a dog on a leash?
GK: This is a retriever, Joey. When I say "Go gettim" he'll chase your snowball guy all the way to Westchester if necessary and bring him back by the collar-- okay?
TR (RICO): Oh. Okay. That's different. (RICO AWAY)
SS: Is he involved in the musical?
GK: No, he's not.
SS: Cause he's got the right kind of look--
GK: Anyway, Miss Stein-- we start with a big dance number-- it goes-- (HANDBELL DING) Say folks......(DING HANDBELL) .....if you don't mind-- we've got an audition here.....
(BAND PLAYS CHORUS OF CHRISTMAS CAROL)
GK: Here-- here's twenty bucks. Thanks. --So, Miss Stein-- let me sing this for you--
SS: Why don't you come by my office sometime?
GK: Let me just give you a taste, okay? It's a big opening number and it goes like this--
Fred Newman: Excuse me-- sir-- can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?
GK: Yeah. Practice.
FN: Is that a joke or what?
GK: It was a joke.
FN: That's what I thought.
GK: Carnegie Hall is over on 7th Avenue, a block over, and up on 57th.
FN: Sounds like a long way.
GK: It's about a ten minute walk.
FN: Oh. Where do I get a cab?
GK: Just step into the street and hold your arm up high and one will stop--
FN: You don't have to call for a cab?
GK: No. Just pick out one that looks good to you and wave and he'll stop.
FN: Okay. Thanks. (HE WALKS AWAY)
GK: Sorry about that, Miss Stein--
SS: I'm in sort of a hurry.
GK: It only takes a moment.
ER (REVERB): Sing her the song--
GK:
Hey folks, let's do it right
Uncover the facts and lets' shed some light
Open the doors, let in the air
Find out who's who and what's what and who's where
Tell me the truth, show me your face,
Otherwise I'm on your case.
SS: Uh huh.
GK: There's more. You want to see more.
SS: Call me.
GK: You didn't care for it, huh?
SS: It's very nice. It's got a lot of energy. A lot of life. But it needs more work.
GK: Well, thanks.
ER (REVERB): Don't worry about it. That's what they say about anything they don't understand. "It's got a lot of energy but it needs more work." That's what they told Meredith Willson about "The Music Man". They said, "The barbershop numbers aren't quite right. Work on that." And then it was a hit and suddenly it didn't need any more work.
GK: You think I've got something.
ER (REVERB): All you need now is the love interest.
GK: Yeah, that's always been my problem.
ER (REVERB): She walks in and she's beautiful and she wants you to follow her boyfriend and find out what he's up to. And you find out that he's a crook and she's thankful to you and she falls in love with you except there's a complication.....
GK: What's that?
ER (REVERB): I don't know-- Something we learn about right before intermission-- maybe she's in the Salvation Army--
GK: I think that's been used before.
ER (REVERB): Right. I forgot.
TR (RICO): Hey, Noir.
GK: Yeah, Joey.
TR (RICO): Some of my associates think maybe it was you who threw the snowball.
GK: Joey, how could I do that? I was in my hotel room. You know that.
TR (RICO): You could've thrown it out of the window.
GK: Where would I get snow in the hotel room, Joey?
TR (RICO): Maybe there was a fridge in the hotel room with a freezer compartment.
GK: So you think I scraped frost off the freezer compartment and made a snowball and threw it ten stories down and hit you on the head--
TR (RICO): Stranger things have happened.
GK: Joey-- use your head.
TR (RICO): I am using my head and my head says, I ain't paying nobody two hundred dollars a day for throwing a snowball at me. Not you, not nobody. They don't call me Joey RoastBeef for being a sucker, you know.
GK: Whatever you want, Joey. (RICO FADING AWAY) Needs more work? Of course it needs more work. I haven't written it yet. What's she talking about.
ER (REVERB): Don't worry about it. (CHORDS)
SS (NYER): Listen, I'm sorry, I got involved in something -- would you mind taking my dog home for me?
GK: Lady--
SS (NYER): Here's the address. And here's for cabfare. Thanks. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: I don't know how I get in these situations. Do I look like a dogwalker? (WOOFS) (BRIDGE) The address was Central Park West and I took the dog in a cab -- (PANTING) he used most of the backseat -- the driver wasn't all that happy about it (TR ARABIC) -- I got to the building and the doorman showed me up--
FN: Penthouse. Forty-fourth floor. (ELEVATOR DINGS)
GK: And up I went with the dog -- (DOG PANTING) and there at the door was a famous person whose name I couldn't quite remember--
ER: Hi-- Rufus (DOG PANTING, WOOFING, JINGLE OF COLLAR, FLOOR THUMPING) -- Ruf! Good dog. -- Where's my mom?
GK: She asked me to bring the dog back for her-
ER: Oh. Well, thanks.
GK: You're welcome. Aren't you-- I know you-- you're on TV, no?
ER: Right.
GK: That show-- it's on cable-- I've seen that--
ER: The Rappaport Report.
GK: You're on that show?
ER: I'm the dancing girl. See? (A LITTLE TAP TURN)
GK: Isn't that a coincidence? I'm writing a musical.
ER: You're kidding.
GK: It's a dancing detective musical called "Guy and His Dolls"--
ER: It sounds fantastic.
GK: Sort of a romantic comedy mystery.
ER: That is so brilliant.
GK: I'd be the star--
ER: Of course. You're perfect.
GK: You could be the female lead--
ER: Oh gosh. This is the luckiest day of my life.
GK: It has a big opening number.
ER: Fabulous.
GK: It goes like this.
Life is a mystery, you have to unknot.
You think you know it but you don't know squat.
Most of the stuff folks take as gospel,
It's mostly untrue or downright impossible.
People you know in your own family
Are an enigma with a capital E.
So what do you think? There's more. Want me to sing more? There's a duet in Act II.
GK & ER (SING, TO "O MY DARLING CLEMENTINE):
A detective is selective
But his objective is to dance
He is elegant and intelligent
And effective in romance.
GK: And it sort of goes on from there-- what do you think?
ER: Honestly?
GK: Is this a time for honesty?
ER: That's up to you.
GK: Okay.
ER: I think it's nice. Really nice. It has a lot of energy. So much life to it. It just needs more work.
GK: Needs more work.
ER: Right.
GK: Well, thanks for your time.
ER: You're welcome.
GK: Nice meeting your dog.
ER: He seemed to like you, too.
GK: See you around.
ER: Bye. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)