Garrison Keillor: ...right after this message from Baker, Barter, Burstyn & Barnes.
(ORGAN)
Erica Rhodes: This is my story. And if I don't cry, it's because my teeth are clenched. I am 19 and I have a brother who is 16 whose every facial feature is pierced except his eyeballs. His bedroom is filled with toxic sludge and he has things like "Die Fascist Pigs" spray-painted on the walls, and he plays this music that sounds like dying cats with jackhammers, and he dresses like a
homeless person and his hair looks like a small rodent is crouched on top of his head, and his entire body emits noxious fumes. Meanwhile, I, the good child, have a clean room decorated in Marimekko colors with bright Swedish furniture that I bought myself with money I earned working a job. I get good grades and I date a nice guy. A guy who wears a shirt with buttons. I converse at the dinner table about adult topics and I remember people's birthdays and when people remember mine, I write them a thank you note in legible handwriting. My brother Jeff has the handwriting of a six-year-old. And the personality of one. And so of course, my parents think about him all the time, try to make him happy, indulge his every whim and try to find clinical terms for his bad behavior. They're hardly aware that I exist. And am I bitter? Not at all. Not after I called up the nice people at Baker, Barter, Burstyn & Barnes.
(ORGAN MARCH)
Tim Russell: This is Mike Burstyn. We at Baker, Barter, Burstyn & Barnes are proud of our litigation in the rapidly developing field of family law and our work in defense of good children who are the victims of spoiled-rotten siblings who get everything they want. We've established the principle that a child can, if he or she chooses, go to court for an advance settlement of inheritance, a sort of divorce, at which the good child is duly compensated for the parents' time and attention devoted to the black sheep. Parents are required to be fair, and if they aren't, then the courts can step in.
(SOFT ORGAN)
ER: I hated to go to court against my own parents, but what could I do? If you don't stand up for your rights, you lose them. I won a large settlement, which I invested wisely. Jeff got very drunk one night and enlisted in the Marines. My parents aren't speaking to me, but then they didn't speak to me before either, so it's not a problem. And any time they want to come back home and talk, they're welcome.
TR: If your parents are neglecting you or showing clear favoritism toward a sibling, you can recover damages equal to your share of their estate. Call us today. We're in the Yellow Pages under Attorneys.