(ORGAN THEME)
Garrison Keillor (ANNC): And now the American Dacron Guild brings you the adventures of Pamela Harvey, Plant Horticulturist. (ORGAN UNDER)
Sue Scott: I -- I think I've bred a whole new plant today, Josh.
FN: Oh. Fantastic.
SS: It's a lingonberry crossed with a blueberry. I'm calling it a blingberry.
FN: You're a genius, Pam. If we market this right, we can retire and leave East Lansing and purchase a small island in the Caribbean and spend the remainder of our lives enjoying a level of hedonistic excess that these dreary Dutch puritans of Michigan cannot even imagine.
SS: But my department chairman called today.
FN: Oh?
SS: He's cutting off my research grant, Josh. My work on the blingberry has to come to an end.
FN: But how can he do this to you, Pam?
SS: Because Kimberley, his secretary, the one who actually runs the department -- she is in the hospital with amnesia. They had to operate and I'm afraid they didn't get it all.
FN: Kimberley? But she was fine Thursday evening.
SS: She got it from a glass of mulled wine that-- oh my gosh.
TR: A glass of mulled wine that I poured for her, Pamela.
FN: Doctor Horton--
SS: How did you get in here?
TR: When you work with ivy, Pamela, you learn how to creep in all sorts of places. (HE CHUCKLES)
SS: So you gave Kimberley the amnesia deliberately--
TR: It comes from a special fungus I've developed--
SS: But why, Dr. Horton? Why?
TR: She knew too much, that's why. She knew about me and Laura.
SS: You and Laura???
TR: We've been breeding her honeysuckle with my ivy-- to create an all-terrain plant-- called a Humvee-- -- but before long, she and I were an item.
FN: I knew all about it, Dr. Horton.
TR: You? Ha! You know nothing. You're in the humanities.
FN: I saw you two at the Halloween party. You were a pirate and she was Lady Guinevere.
TR: You're out of your mind. I wasn't a pirate. David was the pirate. I was King Kong.
SS: You were King Kong???
TR: Yes.
SS: Then it's your child I'm carrying, Dr. Horton.
TR: What?? That can't be--
SS: Laura and I exchanged costumes. I was Lady Guinevere and she went as Pocohantas.
TR: You're lying.
SS: Am I? A simple blood test will tell the story.
FN: Pamela-- I'm heartbroken-- I'm crazy about you. I thought you knew that. How could you do that when you've been refusing me for weeks and weeks?
SS: You have a tiny birthmark on your neck, Jim. And a double-jointed index finger. And a certain pattern of baldness.
FN: So what if I do?
SS: You're my twin brother who Mother gave up for adoption thirty-two years ago, Jim.
FN: Oh my gosh. I can't believe it.
SS: I'm a horticulturist, Jim. We notice these things.
TR: I'm willing to make a deal, Pamela.
SS: What's that, Dr. Horton?
TR: If you have my baby and give it to Laura and me for adoption, I'll restore your research grant.
(SHE SLAPS HIS FACE)
SS: I'm not your experiment, Dr. Horton. I'm an associate professor with tenure. I'll have the child and I'll develop the blingberry and nothing can stop me.
TR: Nothing can stop you?? You?? Ha!!!
SS: Look behind you, Dr. Horton.
FN: Oh my gosh. (A LOW OMINOUS GRUMBLING SOUND)
SS: It's a carnivorous rose, Dr. Horton. People said it couldn't be done and I did it.
TR: Why is it creeping toward me, Pamela?
SS: It's attracted to you, Dr. Horton.
TR: But how-- ouch. (OMINOUS GRUMBLING) It has hold of my ankle, Pamela.
SS: Rose-- (OMINOUS GRUMBLING, TURNS TO QUESTION) Let go of him, Rose. (GRUMBLING) I said, Now, Rose. Let go of him. (GRUMBLING RELENTS)
TR: Ouch.
SS: Now that it's tasted your blood, Dr. Horton, I'm powerless to stop it.
FN: Why are you doing this, Pamela?
SS: You're in the humanities, Jim. You can never understand. Plant life is merciless. Deciduous trees battle with evergreens for every foot of forest, trying to cut off each other's sunshine. The struggle for supremacy is ferocious. And it's just the same in the department of horticulture.
TR: Your carnivorous rose had better watch out for my kudzu, Pamela.
SS: Make my day, Dr. Horton. Bring on your kudzu.
(ORGAN)
GK: The Adventures of Pamela Harvey, Plant Horticulturist, was brought to you by the American Dacron Guild.