(GUY NOIR THEME)
Sue Scott: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions Guy Noir, private eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
Garrison Keillor: It was November, the week of Thanksgiving and the weather had just turned bitterly cold and my radiators were gasping for breath (SFX, LIKE ESPRESSO MACHINE) and I did something I never do, I turned on a daytime TV talk show --
SS (ON TV): See how we turn the turkey on its side and we slip the knife lightly along here -- and we turn there-- and there it is--- your turkey is completely de-boned and ready to serve. (FADING) And then we add the honey mustard glaze.......
GK: The sight of her on the screen made me suddenly long for the company of a woman and I Googled the phrase "lonely as a hoot owl" and found a service called Womanly Comfort.
(BRIDGE)
Fred Newman (LURLEEN): It's a very simple service, Mr. Noir. Every week I come to your apartment and I scatter little doodads around the bathroom and hang some wet pantyhose on the shower rod and I scatter some clothes around the room and put some stuffed animals on the pillow and I leave you a note saying "You thrill me to pieces, big boy" and the I's are dotted with little hearts.
GK: I see.
FN (LURLEEN): And I spritz cologne around and I leave long hairs in the shower drain.
GK: Almost too good to pass up.
FN (LURLEEN): That's the basic service.
GK: I see.
FN (LURLEEN): For an extra $50 a month I call you up and cry.
GK: Well, let me think about it. (BRIDGE) I don't remember ever being this lonely before. I did something I never do -- I responded to a personals ad in the newspaper.
SS (REVERB, DEEP VOICE): Me: 59 years old, overweight, loud, gloomy. You: male, warm, with hair. Teeth a big plus. Driver's license required.
GK: It wasn't a lot, but I responded to the ad and sent along my phone number and a photo of Broderick Crawford and I was fantasizing about this woman, imagining we were in the Caribbean together (TROPICAL BIRDS, SURF), the French Caribbean (TR FRENCH WAITER, POP OF CORK, POURING WINE) and she was leaning toward me and I was inhaling her powerful perfume (BIG VIOLIN BUILD AND ROMANTIC LINE) and looking at her bare shoulders and her raven-black hair and thinking about power tools (POWER HAMMER) and suddenly (PHONE RING) there she was on the phone (SFX FAST-TALKING WOMAN) --her name was Clarissa, and she said she was volunteering that night at the Radio Retirement Home. --So I went down there in search of her. (BRIDGE) Somebody handed me a big spoon and I stood in the cafeteria line and served Thanksgiving dinner to the geezers of broadcasting.
Tim Russell (ELDERLY): Gimme some of the mashed potato there. (SPLAT) And the candied yams. (SPLAT) And the dressing. (SPLAT) And cranberry. (SPLAT)
GK: Care for turkey?
TR (ELDERLY): Nah. What's that?
GK: Chipped beef.
TR (ELDERLY): Give me some of that. (SPLAT) What's for dessert?
GK: Bread pudding.
TR (ELDERLY): Give me some of that. (SPLAT)
GK: Ma'am? What can I get for you?
SS (OLD): Same as he got.
GK: Okay. (SERIES OF SIX SPLATS)
SS (OLD): And also some string beans.
GK: How many?
SS (OLD): Several.
GK: Okay. There you go.
SS: You know who he is?
GK: The old guy there?
SS (OLD): He and I used to be on "The Jolly Chums Show". He was Captain Andy and I was Nancy and we lived on a boat with Skipper the Dog and Loretta the Cat.
GK: I sort of remember it.
SS (OLD): Everybody knew it at one time. We won awards and everything.
GK: Is that right.
SS (OLD): I'm surprised you never heard of it. It was famous all over. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was sad, To see famous people whose pictures were up on the walls from when they were shining and young and successful, and here they were shuffling along, pushing trays down the cafeteria line (SERIES OF SPLATS)--And then I saw someone I knew.
TR (JACK): Hey. You work here? I'd like to have a piece of toast with my dinner and I'd like to have it toasted right.
GK: It was Jack. He was there with Ringo. .
TR (RINGO): You remember me. I was the one who played the drums, I did. I was the one everybody liked.
GK: And an old guy with a ponytail.
TR (WILLIE): (SINGS) And it's pot roast again. We got pot roast again.
GK: And he handed me a note and I opened it. It was from Clarissa. It said "Meet me at the Hubba Hubba Club. (FAST FOOTSTEPS, OPEN, CLOSE DOOR) (FOOTSTEPS, OPEN, CLOSE CAR DOOR) (MOTOR START, PULL AWAY, INTO BRIDGE) Twenty years ago I would've been cautious about a rendezvous with a stranger, but you've got to live your life. It won't be yours forever. And the No. 1 thing to be thankful for, if you've got it, is good health. There are billionaires in hospitals who would trade places with the guy on the street who's got a few bucks and a good ticker. And that's the truth. And I was feeling darned healthy when I
walked into the Hubba Hubba club (NIGHTCLUB AMBIENCE, LAUGHTER IN PASSING, CONVERSATION) and my eyes adjusted to the dark-- and there onstage was the chanteuse Jennie Saquois, standing by the piano and winking at me.
Jearlyn Steele (SINGING):
Left my ma, left my pa,
left my home in Omaha.
Came to Detroit, la di da
Boogied on down to Saginaw
In leather boots and a rhinestone bra.
And that's why they call me, Jennie Saquois. (CLAPPING, LAUGHTER, CONVERSATION OF PATRONS)
GK: I made my way to a table off to one side of the stage and sat there and then this beat-up old dame came over to my table. She looked like an experiment to test the results of heavy smoking and lifelong disappointment.
SS: Hi.
GK: Hi.
SS: How are you?
GK: Fine.
SS: Good.
GK: Looking for someone?
SS: Maybe.
GK: Are you Clarice?
SS: Are you Guy?
GK: Yes.
SS: Then I'm not Clarice.
GK: Oh. You sure?
SS: Very. Maybe she'll come along eventually.
GK: Yeah, I hope so. She seemed very nice.
SS: I'm sure she was. But a woman has to draw the line.
GK: I suppose. Well, nice talking to you. Take care.
SS: You too. Bye.
GK: Bye.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (BEAT) (LAUGHTER AND CONVERSATION AMBIENCE)
JS: Hey, Guy, how's it going?
GK: Hey, Jenny.
JS: What's wrong? You look down in the dumps. Business not so good?
GK: Business is okay, it's life that's not so good. It's just loneliness. Nothing to be done about it. Came here to meet a woman. And she took one look and kept on going.
JS: Her mistake. I think bald guys are cute. I call 'em eggshell blondes.
GK: I better just resign myself to spending my life alone.
JS: Well-- romance is like a bus. You miss one, you wait for the next one. Time goes by and eventually it comes along.
GK: Sing me "As Time Goes By" -- Jennie. Sing it.
JS:
You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply as time goes by.
And when two lovers woo
They still say, I love you,
On that you can rely,
No matter what the future brings, as time goes by.
GK: November. A dark month. But at least I've got my health, knock on wood.
JS:
Try not to think of this, of urinalysis
And colonoscopies
And expensive surgeries upon your knees.
It'll come for you and me,
Plus mild senility,
On that you can rely.
So let's enjoy the life we have, as time goes by.
GK: Quite a singer. Good looking woman too. I have a rule never to become romantically involved with musicians. But singers -- that's another matter.
(THEME MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in the city that knows how to keep its secrets, but a light shines on the 12 th floor of the Acme Building Guy Noir, Private Eye . (THEME UP AND OUT)