Garrison Keillor: ...after this word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. We had a professional horticulturist come in and evaluate our houseplants and find out that they're all dead. So now we can start again with a clean slate. And the wrens that were nesting inside our mailbox have flown south. And we found our tax refund from last spring that we can still deposit. We should have been happy. But then the other night, I found Barb sitting at the kitchen table, stewing. Barb, honey, what's wrong?
Sue Scott: Oh, Jim, I just came back from the grocery store. And I decided I simply cannot in good conscience give out candy to kids trick-or-treating. I can't. Have you read the statistics on childhood obesity and diabetes? It's horrifying. Not to mention tooth decay.
TR: But Barb-- it's Halloween--
SS: I'm thinking of giving out toothbrushes.
TR: Toothbrushes!
SS: Or little bags of organic carrots. These kids get enough sugar!
TR: Barb, do you know what it's like trying to get toilet paper out of a tree? Or scrape garbage off the porch? It's nothing you'd want to find out.
SS: But what's wrong with giving them something nutritious-- like soy tablets?
TR: You're thinking liberal, Barb. But Halloween is the great Republican holiday, Barb. You try to scare people to death and meanwhile you eat as much candy as you possibly can, and deal with the consequences later.
SS: I just don't feel right about it. How about we give out toothbrushes?
TR: Halloween has nothing to do with right or wrong, Barb. It's about indulgence and expressing the dark side.
SS: How about we give out packets of ketchup? Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that will help kids balance out the intense sugar rush --
TR: Let's talk, Barb.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times for ghosts and all their fellows
Haunting the graveyard and walking up the gallows.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on marshmallows.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times.
RD: Ketchup, ketchup