Garrison Keillor: .....after this message from Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie.
The question of gun ownership is a problem for many of our listeners. On the one hand, if you're a Quaker or a Unitarian, you wouldn't want anybody to know if you were packing heat, but there definitely are times when a handgun would come in handy -- for example, you go to a automatic carwash (SFX SEQUENCE SPRAYING AND BIG SWABBING CYLINDERS REVOLVING) and you've been soaped up and you're going through rinse and suddenly the big revolving wheels go berserk (MECHANISM RISES IN PITCH, HARD SPRAY, GURGLING) and grab your car and shake it from side to side (MORE, CRIES OF PANIC, SHAKING OF CAR) and thank goodness you have a pistol and you fire off six shots (GUNSHOTS AND CARWASH MACHINE SLOWLY DIES, DRIPPING) and you kill the machine and save your own life, but let's take another example -- you're sitting at your computer surfing the web and (POP UPS) you're getting all these pop-ups and (Fred Newman ELECT VOICE: Congratulations, you've already won a.....CLICK) you just get sick of it-- (Tom Keith: Casinos!!! What do I want to play online poker for?? I don't. Get those ads out of my face or I'll-- GUNSHOTS. GLASS BREAKAGE. SHORTING... .Oh oh) --look what you did -- (TK: I did a bad thing) -- you ruined your computer. Or you call somebody and you go into voice mail -- (FN RECORDED VOICE: Thank you for calling United Grommet. We're sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Your call is very important to us. TK: Oh yeah, right. FN: If you wish to send a numeric page, press 1 now. TK: What's that mean? FN: If you wish to leave a voice message, press 2 or just wait for the tone. TK: Oh shut up.
FN: If you wish to hear other options, press 3. TK: Here, I've got another option for you. GUNSHOTS) Well now look what you did. (TK: I shot my own phone.) You did. You ought to relax. Maybe watch TV -- (TK: I hate TV. I spend all this money on cable and I get 200 channels and so how come there's nothing there that I want to watch??? Huh? GUNSHOTS. GLASS BREAKAGE. Uh oh.) -- You know, I think maybe you shouldn't be allowed to have a gun. (TK: You may be right.) You seem to have a lot of anger in you. (TK: I do.) You drive down the street and you get mad at a lot of people. (INTERIOR OF CAR. TK: Hey you in the SUV!!!! Put down the cellphone and drive!!!! Huh???? HONKS) and you pull into the parking lot and you're mad (TK: Hey hippie!!! You think that ponytail's attractive???? Huh???? Take a look in the mirror!!!! You're going bald on top!!!!) and you go into the grocery store (INTERIOR AMBIENCE. TK: Hey!!!! Move your cart, wouldja?? I don't have all day!!!!) and you get what you want and go through the checkout line (TK: Hey-- he's got more than ten items!!!! How come he's in the express lane???? Huh???? What gives??? Where's the fairness in that???? GUNSHOTS) and the next thing you know you've shot up somebody's gallon of milk (DRIPPING AND GUSHING) and the cops are coming (SIRENS) and people are looking at you like you're berserk (MURMURING). A big mistake, carrying that gun into the store. On the other hand, what if a floor waxer had gone out of control (MACHINE SWERVING, SPINNING TOWARD) and you alone stood between it and small children (SMALL CHILDREN FEAR) -- you could have saved lives. (GUNSHOTS, MACHINE DIES AND STOPS). The pros and cons of gun ownership is a matter for you to weigh in making a decision only you can make. But once you make it, why not have a piece of rhubarb pie......