(ORGAN)
Tim Russell: Once again we take you to the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.
Sue Scott: I have that book for you, Mr. Shrewsbury.
Garrison Keillor: You do?????
SS: It's on its way up. It'll be here in a minute.
GK: The rare 1832 edition of Joseph Nicollet's Expedition To The Falls of St. Anthony?
SS: Exactly.
GK: I've looked for that book for thirty years. I want to throw my arms around you and kiss you, Miss Harrison!
SS: Please. I am a reference librarian, sir. Not some Barnes & Noble trollop.
GK: Then I want to grovel at your feet in abject gratitude.
SS: But before I let you take this rare book, Mr. Shrewsbury, I must ask you about the glint of steel I saw when you reached into your breast pocket for a pen -- could that have been.....an Exacto knife, sir???
GK: What??? How can you even suggest such a thing?
SS: Hands in the air, Mr. Shrewsbury. I think I know now who's been cutting the lithographs out of rare books around here.
GK: You are accusing me??? Of pilfering???
SS: Don't move a muscle, sir. This sharpened pencil in my hand is a lethal weapon. I may appear to be an aging liberal-arts graduate in a blue pantsuit with glasses on a chain but I know how to drive this pencil through your eyeball into your cerebral cortex and render you a helpless invalid for the rest of your life. Don't make me do it.
GK: You wouldn't!!!!
SS: Do not take liberties with a librarian, sir, or you will rue the day. These books are my children. You tamper with them at your peril.
GK: Maybe you better look behind you, Miss Harrison.
SS: Look be-- why, Trent-- what are you doing with that date stamp in your hand? And the pistol--
TK: I'm going to stamp you expired, Miss Harrison.
SS: You-- ingrate. I took you in as an intern, Trent. I trained you in the use of the card catalogue.
Tom Keith: Yes, and then yesterday you turned to me and you went SHHHHHHHHHHHH.
SS: I did not. I simply went, Shhh.
TK: You did it right in my face. You went SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
SS: I'm sorry, Trent--
TK: Sorry isn't good enough. Turn around, Miss Harrison. And I'm going to drop this encyclopedia on the floor and make you jump out of your undies.
SS: You wouldn't dare--
TK: We'll see about that.
SS: At any rate, you might want to look to your right.
TK: Look to my -- why, it's a -- human skeleton--
TR (PINCHED): I ate library paste as a child and my intestines stuck together and I was never able to digest food properly. But Miss Harrison let me live in the stacks deep down below and eat spiders, which is my only nourishment. I've been watching you, Trent, and I told Miss Harrison that you were a traitor--
TK: What????
GK: My name isn't Shrewsbury, Trent -- it's Kockendorfer and I'm a secret agent with the FBI -- the Federal Book Institute -- we've got you dead to rights--
SS: Look out-- (CREAKING) that entire shelf of heavy auto repair manuals has come loose from the wall and it's falling -- (CREAKING, CRIES OF HORROR) tons of repair manuals falling-- O my gosh (BIG CRASH, SQUISH, RUMBLE, SILENCE) ---They were crushed. All three of them. They're dead. Flatter than pancakes. -- I'm alone. -- I always wanted to be alone in the reference room. -- My chance to take off this blue denim smock and put on my red pedal pushers and my dancing shoes. (CASTANETS) Dance, gypsy, dance! (GLAD CRIES) Caramba! (SPANISH PIANO) The secret life of the reference librarian -- (CASTANETS) (WILD CRY)
(THEME)
TR: Join us again as we continue the adventures of RUTH HARRISON, REFERENCE LIBRARIAN. (MUSIC OUT)