(THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)
(PIANO)
Garrison Keillor: It was September ---- beautiful in St. Paul, everything perfect, sort of the way it might be the day before the doctor tells you that your prostate is about to fall off. That's one reason I've avoided happiness and prosperity. I feel that if you're poor and miserable, then the Lord is going to hesitate to lay more bad news on you. But I was wrong. I was on my way back from Danny's Deli with a baloney burrito when this dog came out of an alley (DOG SNARLS, APPROACHES) ----- Get away. (SNARLS) Hey. That's no kind of attitude to take. Back off. (BARKS) You come any closer, I'm calling the dogcatcher. Hear me? (DOG SNARLS AND LUNGES) Oh boy----- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOG IN CHASE) (CAR HORN, BRAKES SCREECH) I made it to the entrance of the World Theater and though I wasn't in the mood for a movie, I went in ----- the feature was called "The Last Broadcast" ---- it was about a radio announcer---- it was kind of slow.
TR (ON SCREEN): I was thinking about maybe getting out of radio.
Sue Scott (ON SCREEN): Yeah, I heard that somewhere.
TR (ON SCREEN): Who from?
SS (ON SCREEN): I forget. What you going to do instead?
TR (ON SCREEN): Instead of radio?
SS (ON SCREEN): Yeah.
TR (ON SCREEN): Oh---- I'm thinking about getting into film.
SS (ON SCREEN): As what? A popcorn seller?
TR (ON SCREEN): A director. An auteur.
SS (ON SCREEN): Is that like autism?
TR (ON SCREEN): No, it's like author.
SS (ON SCREEN): Oh. Why not say "author" then?
TR (ON SCREEN): Would you mind shutting up? (BRIDGE)
GK: That was one of the action scenes.Ten minutes of it felt like an hour, and the seats wouldn't recline so I couldn't sleep. So I went back out to the lobby ----- you see a dog out there?
Tom Keith (TEEN): No dogs allowed in the theater, mister.
GK: I'm trying to get away from him.
TK (TEEN): Unless they're seeing eye dogs.
GK: Of course he can see. Otherwise what's the problem? (BRIDGE) So I walked out and around the corner. (BARKS, DOG RUNNING TOWARD HIM) Oh my gosh. (FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, BARKING, AROUND CORNER AND IN DOOR AND DOOR CLOSE) I don't know what that dog's problem is.
TK (TEEN): Got a ticket?
GK: I was just in here a minute ago.
TK (TEEN): You left.
GK: I've got to pay again?
TK (TEEN): It's three bucks.
GK: I paid you three bucks ten minutes ago. Remember?
TK (TEEN): Let me see your ticket stub.
GK: I don't hang onto ticket stubs.
TK (TEEN): Then you gotta buy a ticket.
GK: Have a heart, kid.
TK (TEEN): I only work here.
GK: I don't want to see the movie.
TK (TEEN): Neither does anyone else, but you've still got to buy a ticket.
GK: To stand in the lobby?
TK (TEEN): See the sign? No Loitering.
GK: Tell me something. Does that dog work for you?
TK (TEEN): What dog?
GK: The one ---- where is he? (CLATTER OF VASE BEING HIT AND IT FALLS AND BREAKS) ---- (PAUSE THREE BEATS) Sounds like porcelain, doesn't it. Possibly earthenware.
TK (TEEN): Three bucks, sir.
GK: Look, kid. You and I are the only people in the theater. The place is empty. ----
SS (OFF): No, it ain't.
ER (OFF): We're here. (TAP SHOE FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
GK: Ladies---- sounds like you're wearing your tap shoes. Nice costumes. I like taffeta.
: We're the Lippizaner Twins. I'm Lola.
SS: And I'm Lulu.
GK: (PAUSE) Okay.
ER: We're here for the show.
GK: (PAUSE) Oh. Sure. Right-----
SS: You've never seen Siamese twins before, Mr. World?
GK: Well, I've never seen Siamese twins joined at the ankle, that's for sure.
ER: There's one pair in Brazil and one in Tahiti and then there's us.
SS: We're in the Guinness Book of World Records.
ER: We've been on Oprah and the Today show and Geraldo -----
SS: Martha Stewart. She made us a roach clip from a turkey wishbone.
ER: We almost got on The A-List.
GK: What's the A-List?
SS: You never heard of "The A-List"?
ER: It's the hottest thing around.
GK: A TV show?
SS: It's a pPod.
ER: You know about pPods. Right?
GK: Is that like iPods?
ER: iPods!!!! Oh boy. You've got some catching up to do.
SS: pPods are package pods, Mr. World. Audio, video, data, interconnective, interactive, transgender, the whole thing.
ER: pPods are the future. You know about pPods, right?
TK (TEEN): Of course. (BRIDGE)
GK: The Lippizaner Twins were beautiful, like young starlets, in matching green blouses and taffeta skirts and high-heels, and just above one pair of high-heels, a strip of flesh and bone connected Lulu's right ankle to Lola's left.
ER: We're dancers, Mr. World. We don't want to be freaks, we want to be accepted for our art.
SS: We're the only three-legged dance team in existence. But what might seem like a handicap to some people ---- to us, it's the doorway to a whole new vision. A new dimension.
ER: The number three is the basis of our whole aesthetic. The triangle. The tripod. The Trinity.
SS: The Three Musketeers. The Threepenny Opera. Three's Company!
ER: The numeral three is at the heart of the mysteries of the universe, Mr. World. This is a dance called----- The Three Corners of the Sky.
GK: You're going to do a dance now?
SS: We'll just give you a little taste.
ER: (COUNTING OFF) One, two---- you know what to do. (TAP NUMBER, THREE-FOOTED, ONE FOOT HEAVIER)
GK: Well. Very interesting. That's terrific. But look ----- I'm just passing through. I dropped in here to get away from a dog, believe it or not.
ER: I know you're busy, but we want to audition.
GK: I'm just a refugee.
ER: Please. Don't brush us off. This is our big chance.
GK: Look. Lady---- I'm trying to tell you.
ER: All we want is a minute of your time to listen to us sing.
SS: Please. That's all we ask.
ER: One minute of your time.
SS: One minute, Mr. World.
GK: My name isn't World.
ER: Please.
SS: Please.
GK: It's Noir.
ER: Please. I'd get down on my knees, but it's awkward.
GK: Okay. Okay. But only one song.
SS: Thank you. Bring the piano in here!
(TK & TR IMPROV TWO STAGEHANDS PUSHING HEAVY PIANO THROUGH DOOR AND INTO ROOM)
GK: So these two piano movers bring a piano in from the street and the dog comes in with them. (BARKS) And I had to climb up on top of the piano. (STRUGGLE, FEET CLAMBERING, DOG BARKING)
SS: It's only a dog, Mr. World.
GK: I can see his teeth.
SS: Easy, boy. Easy. Sit. Good dog. (DOG PANTING, THUMPING LEG, COLLAR JINGLE)
ER: See? He's harmless.
SS: Do you know "It Had To Be You"?
TK (TEEN): Sure.
SS: You mind playing?
TK (TEEN): Not at all...But I can't play with him standing on top of the piano.
GK: Give it a try.
TK (TEEN): Don't forget you owe me three bucks.
GK: Get rid of the dog, I'll think about it.
TK (TEEN): Okay. You all set?
(BIG PIANO INTRO)
SS & ER: (SING)
It Had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
The somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me be blue
And even be glad
Just to be sad
Thinking of you...
GK: Look, that's beautiful, but I'm not Mr. World. Okay?
TR (RICH GUY): Of course not. I am. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP) I take it you young ladies are here for the pPod tryouts. I liked that number---- I like the concept. Especially the man standing on the piano. And the dog. It's exactly the sort of surreal postmodern element we're looking for. It's got a whole narrative arc to it ----- add some fog and some spiders and a motorcycle and four big men with shaved heads and I think we may have something.
ER: Oh, thank you, Mr. World. Thanks.
SS: We're the Lippizaner Twins, Lola and Lulu. Lippizaner spelled l-i-p-i-z-h----
ER: No h. And there's two p's.
SS: L-i-p-p-a-
TR (RICH GUY): So Lippizaner is a stage name, then, I take it----
ER: Yes. Our real name is Olson. Elaine and Eloise Olson.
TR (RICH GUY): Swedish?
SS: Yes, sir.
TR (RICH GUY): Lutheran?
ER: Yes.
TR (RICH GUY): I was afraid of that. Listen----- there's something sort of sheepish and apologetic about you that just doesn't work for me. We need attitude. Self-effacing is not what we're looking for.
ER: Please. We can work on that.
TR (RICH GUY): There's a humility there that, believe me, would be wonderful if I were looking for an au pair, but for a performer, it just doesn't work.
ER: You want attitude, we've got lots of attitude. Swine.
SS: You betcha! Go cover yourself with chocolate. You're nuts!
ER: There's a bus leaving in five minutes! Get under it.
TR (RICH GUY): It just isn't working, sorry. I love the concept, the guy on the piano, the attack dog, and all, but it's not what we're looking for. Bye. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) (VERY LIGHT TRAGIC CHORDS)
GK: Well, what does he know? Big stoopnagel.
ER: That was our big chance. And we blew it.
SS: My fault. I couldn't spell Lippizaner.
ER: No, it's my fault. I never should have said Olsen.
GK: Look, it isn't the end of the world.
TK (TEEN): Yeah, I thought you did great.
SS: Probably our last chance to get into pPods.
ER: Yeah.
GK: There'll be other chances.
SS: Naw. When it comes to pPods, he is The Man.
ER: He's the man, all right.
SS: Not fair.
ER: To discriminate against us because we're Swedish.
GK: Would somebody mind holding the dog so I can get down from here?
TK (TEEN): What dog? He's gone.
ER: He went in the toilet to get a drink of water.
GK: Good. (FOOTSTEPS, AS HE CLIMBS DOWN FROM PIANO. STEPS ON KEYS, THEN FLOOR) There. Back on terra firma.
TK (TEEN): You owe me three bucks for a ticket, mister.
GK: Man, you are unrelenting. Here. (THREE BILLS)
TK (TEEN): Thanks. Here's your ticket stub. Hang onto it.
GK: Believe me, I will. Say, girls----Do you mind if I offer you a little advice?
SS: What would that be?
GK: Look. It's none of my business, but it can't be that hard to have your ankles separated so you wouldn't be conjoined anymore. Huh? They could probably do it outpatient. Then you could dance freely.
SS: What? And give up our uniqueness??? We're the World's Only Dancing Siamese Twins. You take that away from us, we're just a couple of hoofers with hair. C'mon-----
ER: We're not ready to go solo, mister-----
SS: She's all I've got in this world.
GK: Okay, but-----
SS: She's part of who I am.
GK: It's only an idea.
ER: I guess you've never been attached to anyone, huh?
GK: I guess not.
SS: What she feels, I feel. Where she goes, I go.
GK: Have you ever heard of individualism? (DOG SNARL)
Oh boy.
ER: My sister and I feel that loyalty and commitment are more important than seeking our own selfish ends----
SS: The petty struggle for fame and wealth---- that's not for us---- (DOG SNARLS)
GK: Look, I'd like to continue this conversation, but----
ER & SS (SING AND DANCE): Oh we ain't got a barrel of money
Maybe we're ragged and funny
But we travel along
Singing our song
Side by side.
(DOG SNARL)
GK: Get away from me.
ER & SS (SING AND DANCE): Through all kinds of weather,
What if the sky should fall?
Just as long as we're together--
It really doesn't matter at all.
(DANCING, OFF) (BRIDGE)
GK: I escaped from the dog by going back into the theater and watching the rest of the movie. Not the greatest afternoon of my life.
TR (ON SCREEN): Yeah, I think I've been in radio long enough.
SS (ON SCREEN): Yeah, I think so too.
TR (ON SCREEN): What do you mean by that?
SS (ON SCREEN): I'm agreeing with you.
TR (ON SCREEN): Well, it sounded like you were saying I was washed up.
SS (ON SCREEN): No, I was just thinking maybe you should go into television.
TR (ON SCREEN): Television????
SS (ON SCREEN): What's wrong with that?
TR (ON SCREEN): I don't know anybody who watches television except people in nursing homes and kids without babysitters.
SS (ON SCREEN): Well, that's quite an audience right there.
TR (ON SCREEN): Anybody who's ambulatory and has a car, they listen to the radio.
SS (ON SCREEN): Well, stay in radio then.
TR (ON SCREEN): Yeah, I think I will. A person could do worse.
(THEME)
GK: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, and there in the World Theater is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....me. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)