Garrison Keillor: A quiet summer afternoon in the suburbs of Chicago and at the country club people are playing badminton (SFX) and croquet (SFX) and they are throwing frosted cupcakes at short people (THWOP, SHORT PERSON HOLLERS) when suddenly the sound of galloping hooves (GALLOPING) and a whole bunch of ugly men in leather ride by speaking a barbaric tongue (BARBARIC CRIES) -- they're Goths and Visigoths and Vandals -- but they disappear and the people go back to their golf game (GOLF SWING, KLIK, FLIGHT OF BALL, OOOOHS) and in the bar they're making frozen Daiquiris (BLENDER) and meanwhile, up the road, the ugly men on horseback (GALLOPING HOOVES) pull into a drive-in and up to the drive-up window (HORSES STOP, WHINNY...PAUSE...CLICK: Tim Russell: Yeah, welcome to McDonalds, how about our super meal today? (BARBARIC RESPONSE) TR: Ya want that one? (BARBARIC CRY) TR: Ya want the jumbo fries? (BARBARIC CRIES) TR: Vanilla or chocolate shake? (BARBARIC CRY) TR: Sounds like chocolate. That'll be four dollars and thirty-nine cents. Pull around to the second window.) And the barbarians wait for awhile looking at the pictures of food on the menu board (BARBARIC TALK) until finally they lose patience and shoot flaming arrows into the drive-in (BARBARIC SHOUTS, ARROWS SHOT, FLIGHT, HIT) -- (TR On INTERCOM: Hey, dude-- what's with the flaming arrows? (BARBARIC CRY) TR: You better get out of here. Or else, dude.) And the drive-in employees heat up a cauldron of boiling oil (VOICES, TIPPING CAULDRON, BIG SPILL, BARBARIANS YELPING) and the barbarians respond by pulling up a catapult (BARBARIC TALK) and they crank it back (WINCHING CATAPULT TIGHTER) and they put short people on it (SHORT PERSON PROTEST) and fling them through the drive-in windows (WHAP, SHORT PERSON FLIGHT, BREAKAGE) so the people in the drive-in fight back by playing music extremely loud (HIPHOP) and then they have a better idea (HEY--) and they throw cheeseburgers out the windows -- (SFX) and the barbarians eat them (SFX) and get on their horses and ride (BARBARISM, GALLOPING) but they ate too fast and there was a lot of cheese and when there's so much cheese-- (BARBARIAN STOMACH UPSET, THEN BIG FART) -- it makes even a Visigoth a little weak in the poop -- and they walk their horses into a green meadow (WHINNY) and up to a flag with the number 9 on it and then -- (TR OFF: Fore!!!) a little white ball flies up and hits one of them on the forehead (KONK, BARBARIC YELP) and he looks up and sees four men in yellow plaid pants approaching (BARBARIC RISING ANGER) and he runs after them waving his enormous club (CHASE) and he chases them across the golf course to the clubhouse (BARBARIC CRIES) as people climb out of the swimming pool (SPLASHES, CRIES OF FEAR AND DESPERATION) and dash naked out of the sauna (BAREFEET, JIGGLING FLESH) and they hide in the clubhouse, behind locked doors (SFX) while the Goths and Visigoths sat outside, feeling ill (BARBARIC ILLNESS) and they fall asleep (BARBARIC SNORING) and the Department of Homeland Security comes and x-rays their horses (VOICES, X-RAY, WHINNY) and
examines the soles of their feet (WANDING) and they're admitted to the country and given an education
Sue Scott: I will go. (BARBARIC PHRASE)
SS: I have gone. (BARBARIC)
SS: I will have gone. (BARBARIC). But they don't go. They stay and get jobs in warehouses (FREIGHT HOIST) and they marry American women --
SS: Daddy, I want you to meet Hrothgar.
(BARBARIC SPEECH)
TR (DAD): But honey -- he's a barbarian.
SS: I know-- and he's wonderful!
GK: And they settle down and have children. (BARBARIC CHILD) And having a child changes them forever. They give up pillaging and they take up home repair. (SAW, HAMMER) Fatherhood will do that to a man. Happy Father's Day.