Garrison Keillor: ...after a message from Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
You paid 80 grand for that 2-bedroom back in 1982 and the value kept going up and up (BALLOON STRETCHING)-until May, when it was valued at about 8.7 million. (Tim Russell: Oh boy o boy o boy!) And you put it on the market and right then (POP) - the bubble burst (TR: SOBBING) and after the bills were paid, you found yourself driving away in an old pickup truck (ENGINE SPUTTERING) piled high with furniture, you, your wife (Sue Scott: WEEPING: Why does everything bad happen to us?), your kid (BABY CRYING), your cat (MEOW) and the hamsters (CHITTERING). You drive west into the setting sun and semis are passing you (SEMI ZOOMS, BIG HORN HONK) and that night you pitch your tent next to a freightyard (TRAIN WHISTLE) and there are hoboes there (OLD HOBO MUTTERING) and folksingers (TR DYLAN SINGS: And how much wood must a woodchuck chuck-- before you call him a cab?) and the freight trains go through all night (TRAIN PASSING) and your wife gets no sleep (SS SOBBING) and the baby has heat rash (INFANT CRYING) and the cat is lost and you have to go looking for her (TR: Pookie!!!! SS: Pookie!!!!) but finally you make it to California, all of you except for the hamsters who have disappeared and then, heading down a mountain slope toward the ocean (ACCELERATION) you find out what the hamsters have done, your brake cable has been chewed (TR PANIC: STOMPING BRAKE, ACCEL) and you're doing 120 miles an hour and your wife is hysterical (SS: Stop!! Stop!!!) and meanwhile Alan Greenspan is on the radio (TR GREENSPAN: Applying the brakes may or may not produce the effect of slowing down the economy, and whether we should or not remains to be seen.) and you reach for the emergency brake and take your eyes off the road and (HORNS HONK) the cat jumps onto your neck (PANIC MEOW) and puts its paws over your eyes (TR: PAIN) and you pull the emergency brake (RATCHET, TIRES SCREECH TO A STOP) and the car stops (SS: HEAVY BREATHING, RELIEF) but it's swaying back and forth slightly (CREAKING) -- the car is hanging there on the cliff over the ocean (GULLS) as you peel the cat off you and throw it in the back (TR: Stay! MEOW) and now the car settles back (CREAKING) but the cat jumps up in the front seat (CREAKING, SS ALARM) and on the dashboard (CREAKING, TR & SS CRY OF ALARM) as the pickup falls (SFX) end over end into the ocean (BIG WHOOSH, AND SINKING, BUBBLES) and thank goodness it floats so you climb up on top, your wife (SS: Why does everything bad happen to us??) and your child (INFANT) and your dog (WOOF)and your cat, who turns out to be a
surprisingly good swimmer (MEOW, SPLASH, SPLASH)-- and now it appears that the current is pulling you farther and farther out to sea (TR: Help!! SS: Help!!) and big black fins circle the van (JAWS MUSIC), and enormous birds are diving at you (BIRD SHRIEKS) and you wave your shirt at them (SFX) and that's how you lose your cellphone (SPLASH, CRY OF HORROR), and then something on the horizon (SMALL PLANE) - a small plane flies overhead and the pilot sees you! You're saved! He waves, and he swoops (PLANE SWOOPS), and he turns around and comes back (PLANE), and he drops something-a letter-it flutters down (FLUTTER), and into your hands (PFFT) and you open it up and it's from Publishers Clearinghouse -- TR: "You may have already won six million dollars". (LOW BOOBYTRAP SFX)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and failure out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
(DUET)
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.