Garrison Keillor: ...Congratulations to the Class of 2005 and now that you're done with school, you're ready to get married to somebody and have a whole bunch of kids, so let's start planning your honeymoon. Many people go to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, of course -- (WATERFALL, BOAT HORN) and it is exciting --


Sue Scott: Oh, Todd. Todd, Todd, Todd-- light of my life, I adore you, you're the wind beneath my wings, today we begin our life's journey together, best friends, lovers--


Tim Russell: ... my soul mate, heart of my heart, flesh of my flesh, mother of my children, my best friend, my lover--


SS: Wait, wait, wait, -- hold on --Mother of whose children? What is that about?


TR: I thought we were going to start a family--


SS: You're a moron, Todd. I'd no sooner have children than I'd convert to Mormonism. You're fabulously rich, Todd, and we're going to buy a six million dollar apartment in Manhattan and start living the good life.


TR: But Lindsay--


SS: I don't care what you think I said, Todd. I'm slim and beautiful and I intend to stay that way. No kids. (SIRENS) What's going on? It's the cops!


Fred Newman (ON DISTANT MEGAPHONE): Hold it right there!!!


TR: Uh oh.


SS: What's wrong?


TR: I embezzled a hundred grand from the corporate account, Lindsay. We're going to have to jump.


SS: Jump????!!!!


TR: Into the river!!!


SS: Are you nuts?


TR: It's okay. Go in feet first. We'll be fine.


FN (ON MEGAPHONE): Hold it right there-we know what you did.


TR: Hold my hand--one, two three--


(SS AND TR JUMP, SCREAM, SHOTS FIRE, SPLASH, PADDLING, WATERFALL)


GK: When you take your honeymoon alongside a 170-foot waterfall, then you can bet your marriage is in for some drama. Why not come to Cuyahoga Falls instead? Cuyahoga Falls also drops 170-feet but it's a gradual decline. Just like a good marriage.


(GURGLING WATERFALL)


SS: How you doing?


TR: Not too bad.


SS: Is that that shirt I bought you last week?


TR: I don't know.


SS: It sure looks like it. It looks nice on you. How do you like it?


TR: It's okay.


SS: You can return it if you don't like it.


TR: It's okay.


GK: A gradual honeymoon waterfall sets more realistic expectations for marriage.


SS: Did you remember to turn off the air conditioner when we left?


TR: It's on a timer. Everything is all set.


SS: I've got to paint the bathroom when I get back. You want white? Kind of an off-white?


TR: Off-white is fine.


SS: You wouldn't rather have wallpaper?


TR: No.


SS: We could have wallpaper if you want.


TR: White is fine.


SS: You'd rather have white than off-white?


TR: They're both good.


GK: If you had 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen at your wedding, and an ice sculpture maybe Niagara Falls is right for you. But if you had a justice of the peace in a public park and domestic champagne out of Dixie cups maybe you should think about a honeymoon in Cuyahoga Falls.


TR: Well. Now we can say we've seen Cuyahoga Falls.


SS: Yep, that's true. Did you get a picture?


TR: Yep. What do you want to do now?


SS: Head for home and get that bathroom wallpapered.


TR: You want wallpaper?


SS: It looks better.


GK: Cuyahoga Falls. It's the realistic honeymoon. For romance that endures.