Garrison Keillor: Sitting on a park bench on a spring day in New York. What a pleasure. (BIRDS) Sitting, watching the world go by. (BICYCLE PASSES W HORN, MAN WALKING WITH DOG ON LEASH) Spring day, the sun is warm. It's noon. You just had a hot dog. (BELCH) Feeling happy. (YAWN) A few blocks away -- the rat race goes on. (HORNS, TRAFFIC) But not you. You're in the park, relaxing. I like Riverside Park -- Central Park is magnificent but the last time I went it was full of warning barriers with orange dropcloths on them. And it's sort of toney over there. People trying to sell you Rolexes. (MAURICE WILLIAMS: Hey, m'man -- this Rolex right here, this is $18. That's my best offer, you hear what I'm saying?) And women in red hunting outfits galloping around on thoroughbred horses. (HUNTING HORN, HORSE CANTERING) And the hurdy-gurdy man with the monkey goes around playing Beethoven. (STREET ORGAN, MONKEY) And Central Park is so big -- there's a part of it above 96th Street where -- it feels like you're not in New York anymore. (TRACTOR APPROACHING, PLOWING) A tractor goes by and he's putting in soybeans. So I go over to Riverside. You're close to the West Side Highway (MUFFLED CARS PASSING, HIGH SPEED) so you know you're in the city and out there is the Hudson River. (BOAT HORN) And you've got pigeons. (PIGEONS) And people are busking, playing music for money. (MANDOLIN) Guys sitting and drinking out of paper bags. (GRAVEL VOICED STREET GUYS). I love to sit and watch the Nyers and by New Yorkers I don't mean folks from Utica or Syracuse, I mean the cool people. (JAZZ BASS) Not the cold people, the cool people. (JAZZ HORN) They don't get old, they just have
maintenance problems.
You can hire people to do anything you need in NY. Raise your children. (JAMAICAN: You put dat down, you got no business with dat, you don't know where dat been.) Hire someone to go to your AA meeting for you. ("I am here for H. Walter Postlethwaite and he is an alcoholic." A bad one.) Why get drunk in New York, isn't the city enough? (GRATE OPENS) A metal grate opens in the sidewalk in front of your park bench. (CHATTERING) An albino squirrel pokes his head up and talks to you. He motions for you to follow him. So-- (What the hey?) down you go. There's an old train tunnel down there. (REVERB, WATER DRIPPING. FOOTSTEPS. SQUIRREL CHATTERING) He leads you into the dark. Subterranean New York. (JUNGLE BIRDS, ORANGUTAN) It's like a jungle down here. Cause of the steam pipes. (HISS) Maidens washing their long hair (???) A spa and swimming pool. (SFX) It's Mayor Bloomberg's winter home. (SFX) A man riding a camel comes riding past. (CAMEL TROT) Actually, he's delivering Chinese food. And a cat (MEOW), a cool cat (CAT GRIN), a cat on a hot tin roof (SAXOPHONE, CAT), and a few spring chickens (SFX), one of them sicker than a dog. (SICK CHICKEN) She needs some hair from the dog who bit her. Here. (BOING OF HAIR PULL, DOG YELPS) And the quick brown fox jumps over him (FOX) and some little frogs jump into the big pond (SFX) and watch for the closing doors, ladies and gentlemen. (Watch for the closing doors.)