Garrison Keillor: It's good to be in New York (SFX HORN HONK) And we're trying to learn how to blend in and walk down 43rd street so nobody knows I attended a land grant university (COWS LOWING). When in doubt, wear black. That's the first thing. And don't tuck your pantlegs into your socks. No woodticks here. Leave the bug repellant at home. Don't bring a camera. If you need to take pictures, use your cellphone. Remember, it's House-ton, not Heu-sten Street. Dinner is at 8, not at 5:30. A movie costs ten bucks and the snacks are going to run you twenty or thirty, and the movie may not be in English. (Tim Russell ITALIAN, SOBBING, ON MOVIE SCREEN) Don't wait for the walk signal before crossing the street. (TRAFFIC) Just wait for an opening. Before the opening comes, edge your way out into the street to let the cars know that soon it will be your turn . (CAR HORNS).
It's spring in NY, hay fever season -- ragweed blows in from Westchester -- and even though you're in a canyon of steel and concrete--..(FN BUILD & BIG SNEEZE)
FN: No, it's not a cold, it's just hay fever. I get it every-- (FN BIGGER BUILD & ENORMOUS SNEEZE W. GLASS BREAKAGE & CAR ALARM) --
It doesn't help that the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is in town with elephants (SFX) and lions (SFX) and tigers (SFX) and daredevils (SFX) and tigers (SFX) and lions (SFX) and tigers (SFX). And elephants. (SFX) And lions, especially aging lions (OLD LION) give off cat dander that can trigger hay fever (SNEEZE, LION ROARS IN RESPONSE) --
March is the beginning of the parade season in New York. (DRUM ROLL) Every race and ethnicity gets their own parade up Fifth Avenue from now until November. Every ethnicity is here except Mormons. Not many of them, because Mormons believe that you're reunited with your family in heaven, and people come to New York to get away from their families. Your children can't visit unless you buzz them up. It's an advantage.
(BUZZ)
Fred Newman (ON INTERCOM): Who is it?
FN (YOUNG): Daddy?
FN (ON INTERCOM): What do you want?
FN (YOUNG): Daddy, can I come up?
FN (ON INTERCOM): What for?
FN (YOUNG): I want to talk to you.
FN (ON INTERCOM): About what?
GK: You come to New York to meet new people, not the ones you grew up with. Which you can do here -- an apartment building is just a village in a box. If it's a newer box, with thinner walls, you come to know your neighbors very well. (FOOTSTEPS) Let's just walk up the stairs -- elevator's broken anyway -- here's apartment 1A (BABY) with the new baby and across the hall (OPERA GUY) a young tenor from Manhattan School of Music (FOOTSTEPS) -- there's a big dog in 2A (BIG DOG BARK) and the family in 2B has a Suzuki student (KID VIOLIN) -- (FOOTSTEPS) and up in 3A is a man who hasn't been seen in three years, he's just in there (TV AUDIO) watching "Entertainment Tonight and the couple in 3B (FIGHTING COUPLE) who have issues and now (FOOTSTEPS) heading up to 4A (HEAVY BREATHING) -- you okay? Maybe you ought to sit down and take it easy (
FN: I'm fine. PANTING) -- (FOOTSTEPS) here's 4A where the bass player lives (BASS PRACTICE), alone, he's definitely getting better, wonder why he never seems to get work, and in 4B is a lady who offers aerobics classes in the apartment (STEP AND UP AND STEP AND DOWN, AEROBIC MUSIC) -- those two ought to get together, but they never do -- or do they? Who knows? (FOOTSTEPS) and up to the fifth floor (ROCK BASS, GUITAR) and it sounds like the kids in 5A are home (RAUCOUS PARTYING WOO HOO!) and (KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPEN) here's your apartment, 5B.
FN: Hi honey.
Sue Scott: Oh. Hi. You're home early. I was just about to take the dog out for a walk.
FN: Oh. (DOG PANTING, COLLAR)
SS: But I really should stay and wait for a call from my agent.
FN: Okay.
SS: Would you mind taking him for a walk? (DOG PANTING) He hasn't been out all day. (DOG WHINING) He really needs to pee. (FN DOG: I really got to go bad. PANTING)
FN: Okay. Come on. (WOOFS) (DOOR OPEN) (BRIDGE)
GK: April in New York. The season of romance. In a 12-room penthouse on Park Avenue a man puts on a romantic CD as his wife takes a shower (SAXOPHONE) and in Central Park a pair of pigeons share a French fry (PIGEON TALK) and some of the oats that drop off the carriage (HOOVES GOING BY, WHEELS) and they fly off (WINGS) through Times Square (TRAFFIC PASSING BELOW) for a date on the arm of the Statue of Liberty as the moon hangs high over the harbor (BOAT HORN). New York, New York, the city so nice they they named it twice. Good to be here in April. (BOAT HORN)