(NOIR THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UNDER)
(PHONE RING. SECOND RING. THIRD RING) (PICK UP)
Garrison Keillor: Yeah. Guy Noir here.
Tom Keith (ON PHONE): This Guy Noir?
GK: Right.
TK (ON PHONE): Guy Noir -- N-o-i-r?
GK: Yes, sir.
TK (ON PHONE): Good. I thought so. Just wanted to make sure.
GK: What can I do for you, sir?
TK (ON PHONE): I'm calling from the Columbia Cheese Club. The Columbia Cheese Club is a veritable paradise for cheese lovers because at Columbia we purchase gourmet cheese by the carload and so we can offer you cheese at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay. A two-hundred-pound tub of blue cheese, for example, for only one-hundred-fifty dollars. That's less than a dollar a pound. Or a quarter-ton of Roquefort for just two-hundred-twenty-nine dollars and eighty-five cents. You're not going to find values like those at any other cheese outlet.
GK: I'm sure you're right, sir, but--
TK (ON PHONE): You're probably wondering, what in the heck am I going to do with a quarter-ton of Roquefort? Right? Am I right?
GK: The thought crossed my mind.
TK (ON PHONE): Many people go in on a large shipment of cheese with five or ten close friends. Or the cheese can be stored underground in a cavern or cellar.
GK: I'm just not that into cheese right now--
TK (ON PHONE): How about if I come by with a few samples--
GK: I'd rather you didn't.
TK (ON PHONE): I think once you actually taste our cheese you're going to -- (DIAL TONE)
GK: Some people just don't hear the word no. They think if they just keep pushing, they can-- (PHONE RING. SECOND RING. THIRD RING. CLICK.
GK ON TAPE: Hello, this is Guy Noir. I can't come to the phone right now.
TK (ON PHONE): I know you're there!!!
GK ON TAPE: But if you leave a message, I'll be sure to get right back to you.
TK (ON PHONE): Pick up the phone!
GK (ON TAPE): Thanks for your call. (BEEP)
TK (ON PHONE): Listen, crumbbum, I know you're Listening. Pick it up and face me like a man, you big-- (DIAL TONE)
GK: Some people are so full of anger and bitterness, they turn any little interaction into a confrontation. It just seems to get (PHONE RING. SECOND RING. THIRD RING) (PICKUP) -- Listen, you jerk, I don't want to hear about you and your cheese--
Sue Scott (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? -- Mr. Noir?
GK: Who is this?
SS (ON PHONE): My name is Hyacinth Bush, Mr. Noir. I was wondering if I could come by and see you.
GK: Are you selling something, Miss Bush?
SS (ON PHONE): No, I need your help. Please-- (BRIDGE AND FADE) (KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Who's there?
SS (MUFFLED): It's me. We talked on the phone.
GK: Miss Bush?
SS (MUFFLED): Yes. (DOOR OPEN)
GK: Come in-- (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) Have a seat.
SS: Thank you.
GK: What can I do for you, ma'am?
SS: Well, first of all, I am a second cousin of the President of the United States. And secondly, I have these tapes.
GK: You made tapes? Of the President?
SS: Yes. Before he became President. He used to come over to my house in Austin and bring a big bag of truffles he'd dug up on his ranch and we'd fix a ragout of truffles and talk.
GK: Why are you telling me this, ma'am?
SS: I need your advice.
GK: Are these tapes for real?
SS: Listen for yourself. (CLICK)
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): You hear that joke about why you should always invite two Baptists to go fishing with you? Because if you invite just one, he'll drink all your beer.
SS (ON TAPE): That's good -- don't you think we should cover the pot, George?
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): No, it's not there yet. The French have a saying. (BUSH FRENCH) It means, "The truffle should be allowed to taste like a truffle." (POT SFX, STIRRING ON TAPE)
GK: Did I hear him speak French?
SS: He speaks excellent French.
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): I am so sick of all those weirdo Baptists I gotta deal with. Depressing. Guys with bad breath who come around with their Bibles and want to lay their hands on my head. Want to whoop and dance around and howl like a dog-- I did that enough when I was at Yale.
SS (ON TAPE): So you're not into that stuff?
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): I'm not. I tell you what I believe. I believe that He knows when you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake. That's my basic belief. I also believe that (BUSH FRENCH) --
SS (ON TAPE): What does that mean?
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): It means that even a blind pig is going to find him a truffle now and then.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
GK: Excuse me. (CLICK OF TAPE MACHINE) Who's there? (PAUSE, FOOTSTEPS) I said, who's there? ---- I can smell cheese out there.
TK (MUFFLED): Okay, but what kind?
GK: I'm not interested. Go away.
TK (MUFFLED): How can you say that if you haven't even tried it?
GK: Go away. I don't want any. (FOOTSTEPS) One of those pesky salesmen-- Sorry. (CLICK OF TAPE MACHINE)
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): I think our truffles are done. Or as we say at the ranch-- (BUSH FRENCH) -- By the way, what is that in your lapel?
SS (ON TAPE): It's a bronze pin I got for teaching Sunday School.
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): It looks like some kind of a microphone.
SS (ON TAPE): It was a Sunday School class I taught on the radio.
TR (BUSH, ON TAPE): Oh. Okay.
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
GK: Excuse me. Turn off the tape. (CLICK OF TAPE MACHINE. FOOTSTEPS) Sir-- go away from the door or I call the cops. No kidding. (DOG BARKS, MUFFLED) And take your dog with you.
TK (MUFFLED): I just want you to try the cheese. Why make such a big deal about it?
GK: I don't want your cheese, okay? Take it over to Wisconsin. They'll buy everything you got. Go away.
TK (MUFFLED): Just give me five minutes.
GK: I'll give you five seconds. Beat it! Hear me? Amscray! Cheese it! --- There, he's gone. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Here's my question, Mr. Noir-- do you think the people of this country have a right to know who their President is? Do you?
GK: No, I don't think they have a right. I don't even think they care. People love their illusions, ma'am, and as far as I'm concerned, they're welcome to them, just so long as they don't expect me to share them. You know what I mean? (CHAINSAW STARTS, ON OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR) Oh for crying out loud-- (CHAINSAW CUTS DOOR, WOOD BREAKAGE) Listen, clown-- you're in very big trouble now, you hear me-- (DOG WOOFING) Get your dog out of here-- Get away! (DOG WOOFING) Get him off me!
TK: I will, just as soon as you try this blue cheese. Try it. (DOG GROWL) Just a taste.
GK: How can I taste it when your dog is standing on my chest?
TK: Here, I'll put it in your mouth. Isn't that good?
GK: No.
TK: Try the Pont l'Eveque then-- here.
SS: I love Pont l'Eveque.
TK: Do you? You know how it's really good? Flaming. Here-- let me show you. (FLICK OF LIGHTER, POOF OF FLAME) Whoops. Dripped some on your tape recorder.
GK: Hey-- (FIRE) Give me a fire extinguisher. --
TK: It's only burning cheese.
GK: You just burned up this lady's tape recording.
TK: Oh. Slorry. What was it?
SS: It was nothing. Somebody I used to know. -- (TASTING) You're right. This is terrific Pont l'eveque. You wouldn't happen to have any blue cheese, would you?
TK: Do I have any blue cheese????? Ha!!!! Brownie! (WOOF) Go to the truck and get the blue cheese. (WOOF, AWAY) You care for more of the Pont l'Eveque?
GK: No. None for me.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)