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Garrison Keillor: I love Christmas more than most people do because when I was your age I didn't have all the things that you had. Like television. I grew up among fundamentalist Christians and we didn't have a TV because TV did not glorify God, so I missed out on all the shows and on Sunday night when you were watching Walt Disney Presents I was sitting in the front row at gospel meeting.
TR (SOUTHERN GOSPEL PREACHER): And I say unto you -- Christmas is of the world -- it is not of the Lord -- it is filled with worldliness --
GK: A few times I said I had homework and they let me stay home on Sunday night and I snuck over to the neighbors--
TR (CHILD): Hi. Can I come in and watch TV? I'll be really quiet. I won't use the bathroom or anything. Please?
GK: And I sat there at the far end of the couch, where I could only see a little sliver of the TV, (TV AUDIO) and watched a Christmas special.....
TR (BING, SINGING): Have yourself a merry little Christmas.....
GK: And the June Taylor Dancers in little red outfits, and Jiminy Cricket--
TR (JIMINY): When you wish upon a star, Makes no difference who you are--
GK: And I knew it was wrong and that God was angry at me for being there--
TR (PREACHER): It is not of the Lord, it is of the world, and it is an abomination unto the Lord.
GK: I was an abomination. An abominable person. My memory of Christmas.
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GK: When I was a child, Christmas meant school vacation, of course, although vacation didn't mean much to us, what with all the chores that a child was given back in those days. Christmas vacation was also when I was sent to the dentist for a six-month checkup. Christmas and Memorial Day. This was before fluoride, when fluoride was seen as a communist plot, and before pediatricians told parents that it was okay to express affection to their children, that it wouldn't ruin them permanently, so children made up for the lack of love in our lives with Baby Ruth bars and Butterfingers, Tootsie Rolls, licorice whips, Milk Duds, Blackjack chewing gum, and Eskimo Pies, as a result of which, our teeth were full of cavities. And so I associate Christmas with (OPEN MOUTH) holding my mouth wide open so that Dr. Nordby could get both his hands in there (JACKHAMMER) and remove the old filling and then drill deep down into the raw nerve of the tooth (DENTAL DRILL) and after an hour or two of drilling, when not much was left of the tooth, he decided to pull it (CREAKING, GROANING) which required him to brace his feet against my tiny chest and pull as hard as he could which didn't always do the trick, so he had to use a chisel (STROKES OF HAMMER ON STEEL) and loosen it up and then extract the jagged fragments (PULLING, SUCKING) from my bleeding gums. It was always dark when he finished and I walked home (BLIZZARD) through the storm, leaving little drops of red behind me in the snow. And that is my memory of Christmas.
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GK: When I was a child, the fear of Christmas tree fires permeated our entire celebration. It was a beautiful tree but the presence of so many buckets of water in the living room, the garden hose, the bucket of sand, and the fire extinguisher hanging from the tree itself, did take some of the joy out of the day. My mother tried to relax but she had a hard time.
Sue Scott: Don't get too close to it. It could go up like dry tinder. I heard of one exploding and sending jagged razor-sharp fragments of Christmas ornaments hurtling across the living room like shrapnel. That's what sank the Titanic. The Christmas tree caught on fire and the captain came running to put it out and the ship hit an iceberg.
GK: So we sang Christmas songs in a state of terror.
IS & BS & PJ: O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
How dangerous thy branches
And if you should fall down on me
I'd be knocked unconscious. (FADING)
GK: So it was a big mistake the year my aunt gave me a toy firetruck with a realistic siren. (SIREN) My mother leaped into action.
SS: (ON P.A. HORN) Clear the room. Clear the room. (KLAXON)
GK: She hit that tree with water (SPLOSH) and foam (EXTINGUISHER BLAST) and we dashed out into the snow and in our panic we forgot about the pies in the oven and of course they caught on fire (SIREN) and the whole house burned down and we managed to save the cat (MEOW) but everything else was lost -- our shoes, our homework, our collection of ViewMaster slides, the Chinese checkers, everything. We had to spend Christmas Day at the Greyhound bus depot, eating our dinner out of vending machines. (TR P.A. VOICE: Now boarding through Door No. 3, the 4:15 departing for Elk River, Milaca, Onamia, Isle, and McGregor.....) We took the bus that went to the county poorhouse and I got a bowl of gruel. (SLOSH) From a cruel woman in a starched white outfit.
SS: That's all you get, so don't ask for more. And tomorrow we put you to work picking potatoes. Hear?
GK: And that is my memory of Christmas.
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GK: When I was a student at the University of Minnesota, Christmas vacation marked the end of fall quarter. Final exams took place the first week of Christmas and usually by the third week, you could go to the office of Admissions and Records and pick up your grades. I was the sort of student who believes that cramming the night before means greater retention of information. I also believed in the power of positive thinking. And that red socks meant good luck. But on that December afternoon as I stood at the foot of the steps that led up to the office where my grades were, I had a sudden vision of myself being dismissed from the University. (DRUM ROLL, LOW. TK COMMANDS HONOR GUARD)
Tim Russell: Bring the student forward! (TK REPEATS COMMAND IN RANGE OF VOICES) Remove the blindfold. (TK REPEATS) Mr. Wyler--
GK: Yes sir.
TR: You have, through your inattention, your carelessness, and your innate stupidity, brought shame and disgrace to your University by writing the worst exam I have seen in all my years as dean. Do you understand?
GK: Yes sir.
TR: Would you like me to read aloud some of your answers on the exam, sir?
GK: No, sir.
TR: Listen to this, Mr. Wyler. I quote: "This is a very good question, What is laissez-faire economics? It is a question that man has struggled with for centuries and perhaps even longer. The attempt to find fairness in economics was attempted first by the French and then by others. But what is fairness? And what does it have to do with laces." You're an idiot, Mr. Wyler.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: Rip the University sweatshirt off him. (RIPPING) Cut his hair so it sticks straight up in back. (ELECTRIC RAZOR) Put the big ears on him. (TK REPEATS) Spray him with the stinky stuff. (TK REPEATS) (SHAME MARCH)
GK: And I was sent out to the potato fields to pick spuds. (TRACTOR) The tractor turned a furrow and I walked along dragging a burlap bag and filling it with spuds. (DRAGGING, EFFORT) As cruel overseers tried to make me work faster. (WHIP)
TK: MOVE IT, MISTER!!! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!!! C'MON. GET THE LEAD OUT. (WHIP)
GK: And his dogs nipped at my heels. (SNARLING) And a rare potato fungus got into my lungs and caused horrible coughing. (RACKING COUGH) I lay on the cot in the shack at night and coughed and coughed. Too weak to resist the poisonous spiders that crawled across my face. (SHUDDER) Or the enormous bird that perched on my knees (CROAK) and looked down at the place on my bare abdomen where my liver was. (PAUSE, THEN BIRD SHRIEK) And that is my memory of Christmas.
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