Garrison Keillor: ...after a message from Formula 86. (CHRISTMAS THEME)
Tim Russell: Let's talk about the dark side of Christmas...and the fact that the spirit of goodwill encourages all the boring people you know to tell you their story...
Fred Newman (PARTY BORE): You ever take part in a fantasy football league? Huh? You've heard about it, though, right? No? Really. Well, it's simple. We've got one at the office. You'd like this. Let me show you how it works. I'll just draw it on this napkin. Okay-- A lot of people think it's all about touchdowns, but in my league yardage counts, too so if you've got a quarterback who throws short touchdown passes, that's no good. Like you know how the Patriots always run the ball when they're inside the 10...(FADING)
TR: If you find yourself spending time with the clueless, here's something you'll want to carry with you -- Formula 86, the world's first behavior modification spray in aerosol form. It contains chemicals that make people suddenly want to go home.
Sue Scott: Did I ever show you the pictures from my daughter's wedding? I didn't? Oh-- You remember Tammy -- she married this wonderful boy from Sioux Center, Todd -- this is from the wedding rehearsal -- it had a Star Trek theme -- that's Jerry and me there -- and this is from the rehearsal dinner -- that's a plastic fish -- just a joke -- Todd is such a joker-- this is the rehearsal dinner -- oh gosh, I don't even know what that is -- this is Todd's grandma, his maternal grandma -- I think it's his maternal grandma-- (SPRAY) Well, I better be heading home.
TR: See how that works? Formula 86 contains a fast-acting chemical compound that penetrates the frontal lobe and makes the person reach for the car keys. And forget what just happened. So don't hesitate to stick the nozzle right in their face and nail them.
FN: This is good fruitcake. It reminds me a lot of some fruitcake I had once in Athens, Georgia. I was down there on a Boy Scout trip with my best friend Jeter, the one who went into marketing. He's in Irvine, California, now, hauling down money like it was nothing. I used to date his sister Beryl. She was appropriately named, let me tell you. Anyway, we were in Athens, Georgia -- this would've been around 1964 or 1963 -- Sixty four, I think -- Johnson was President in '64, wasn't he? -- I think so -- anyway, we were in Athens, Georgia, and camping at the battlefield there and I remember there was a line of old Civil War cannons or something right near where we were, and this was in the summer -- I was telling this story to Jeter last time I saw him, which was a couple years ago in Barbados -- he flew me and the missus down there to his home -- magnificent place -- I've got pictures on me -- or maybe Judy does -- Judy? (SPRAY) Well, we better be heading home.
TR: Formula 86. Get some. It's Christmas. You're going to need it.