(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(PIANO)
GK: It was fall in Minnesota, almost November, which meant that politics was reaching a fevered pitch. You couldn't turn on the TV without (TR DUKE WAYNE ON TV, AUDIO: HE HAS LIED, HE HAS CHEATED, HE HAS NEVER ROPED A CALF) being harangued by one candidate or another (TR KIRK ON TV AUDIO: HIS PROPOSALS WOULD RESULT IN YOUR GRANDPARENTS HAVING TO SLEEP IN DITCHES, HE IS IN FAVOR OF CONFISCATING YOUR CAT AND STRANGLING IT WITH PIANO WIRE). It was not shaping up to be a great fall. A small child sneezed on me in an elevator and now I had what felt like the flu and my credit card had gotten stolen by somebody without a lot of self-control and the credit card company kept calling to tell me about the charges.
SS (ON PHONE): $150 for a hot stone massage and seaweed scrub?
GK: That wasn't me.
SS (ON PHONE): $1,138 for the presidential suite at the Houston Meridien?
GK: Nope.
SS (ON PHONE): Plus $130 for the minibar?
GK: Not me.
SS (ON PHONE): And $245 for champagne and shrimp cocktail?
GK: Boy, those must be some shrimp. (BRIDGE) I was so distracted I was having a hard time even doing the Monday crossword which usually is such a cinch. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) She was a tall angular woman, in tortoiseshell glasses and sensible shoes, and a look that was all business.
SS: Hi, Guy. Haven't seen you for awhile. How you been?
GK: Okay. I know you, don't I?
SS: Yes, you do.
GK: I thought so. (PAUSE)
SS: Would you like a hint?
GK: I'm a professional detective, ma'am. Ascertaining the identity of strangers is my stock in trade. I work from clues too subtle for the eyes of the layman--a smudge on the shoes, an indentation in the little finger--and I can't help but notice that on your right index finger there are smudges of bright red that make me think you may be in the cosmetics industry.
SS: It's not cosmetics. It's red ink. I'm your accountant, Guy.
GK: Lorraine?
SS: Laura.
GK: Laura. Haven't seen you for a long time.
SS: Ever since I sent you the bill. Six months ago.
GK: Right.
SS: Guy, I'm here to tell you: you're bankrupt. You got a stack of outstanding bills from here to Eau Claire. Your bank account is a black hole, Guy, and it's sucking you in.
GK: Hey-- I'm turning the corner, Laura...
SS: It isn't a corner, it's a cliff. You're in the red so deep it's infra-red.
GK: Maybe this is a case of catastrophic success.
SS: You got that about half right, Guy.
GK: I'm working hard...
SS: Maybe you should find work that people will pay money for, Guy...I have a friend who manages a Wal-Martr. If I pull some strings, we can get you a job as a greeter. You'd stand at the door and say hello and offer to hang people's coats up. Guy.
GK: I'm not going to take a job like that.
SS: What choice do you have?
GK: Well, I'm not, so forget it.
SS: By the way, 21 Down on your crossword there should be: "intelligence quotient."
GK: Which?
SS: 21 Across. Where you wrote: "intotheforest quickly."
GK: That's what?
SS: INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT.
GK: Oh, you're right. (WRITING SFX)
SS: 53 Across, by the way-- Blank blank F T blank blank. Meaning "Accomplished, capable" -- that should be: "Gifted," not "Caftan."
GK: Oh. Thanks. (WRITING SFX)
SS: You're going nowhere fast and meanwhile you're running up bills for $500 for limousine service for Elvis impersonators. Eight thousand for catering a lobster dinner for sixteen.
GK: That's not me, that's someone else. (FOOTSTEPS) My credit card was stolen. By someone with a big lust for life.
SS: (OFF) By the way, 74 down is "denial."
GK: Huh? Oh, yeah. Thanks. (DOOR CLOSE) It was just one interruption after another. (DOOR KNOCK) Yeah, come in. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
TK (TEEN): Hi, Would you like a lawn sign for Wilson Pickett for County Commissioner?
GK: Actually, I don't have a lawn. This is an office. I have a roof, but no lawn.
TK (TEEN): I could nail it to your roof.
GK: So what is Wilson Pickett going to do as county commissioner?
TK (TEEN): He's going to enforce the Ten Commandments.
GK: Oh. But if we enforce the Ten Commandments here in the county, that's going to put us at a competitive disadvantage with other counties, no?
TK (TEEN): I don't know. I'm just putting up lawn signs. Could I put up a lawn sign on your roof?
GK: Sure. Why not? Go right ahead.
TK (TEEN, OFF): Thanks. (POUNDING ON STAKE) (BRIDGE)
GK: I was getting phone calls for various candidates almost every hour (RING, PICK UP) -- Yeah, Guy Noir.
TR (INDIAN): And a good day to you, sir. I am calling for President Bush to remind you to vote on November three. President Bush has brought democracy to the Middle East. He has protected us from terror and so it is very very important on November 3.
GK: Sir?
TR (INDIAN): Yes?
GK: This is not a local call, is it.
TR (INDIAN): No, sir.
GK: Are you calling from Bangalore by any chance?
TR (INDIAN): Our phone center is in New Delhi.
GK: I see. Listen--I spoke to some people in New Delhi once before trying to get wireless internet installed and it didn't work out well for me, okay? But thanks for calling. (BRIDGE) I was about to head over to the Five Spot and just as I was getting my coat off the rack, (KNOCKS)-- Yeah, come in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS OF TWO PEOPLE)
TR (NEW YORKER): Mr. Noir, I'm Ron and this is my wife Suzanne.
SS (NEW YORKER): Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
GK: Why the masks? Is it Halloween already?
TR (NEW YORKER): We're wearing the masks because my wife is a Freudian psychoanalyst and she feels that its therapeutic. We're defending our psyches with new personas.
GK: Uh huh. You're not from here, are you--
SS (NEW YORKER): We're from New York. Where the subway goes in a hole in the ground? If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere?
GK: Right-- what brings you to St. Paul?
TR (NEW YORKER): You didn't see the game?
GK: The game?
SS (NEW YORKER): The Yankees lost to the Red Sox.
GK: I knew that, but--
TR (NEW YORKER): We were up three games to none, and they came back and beat us four straight.
SS (NEW YORKER): Four straight.
GK: Well, my condolences.
TR (NEW YORKER): Four straight.
SS (NEW YORKER): I have never been so humiliated. I may have to go through analysis all over again.
TR (NEW YORKER): We came out here to start a new life.
GK: Listen-- this may not be a good idea. Sit down. (BRIDGE) Ron and Suzanne were very nice people. New Yorkers but they'd moved to New Jersey. She was a Freudian psychoanalyst and he was in the vaccine business.
TR (NEW YORKER): I make a Home Flu Shot Kit. It's a combination of chicken soup, ginger ale, aspirin, green tea, and burley tobacco to help you cough and bring up phlegm and mucus. Sells for five bucks. You just put it in a hypodermic and jab yourself in the hinder and pump it in.
GK: Great. Sounds good. Does it work?
TR (NEW YORKER): Hey. You know what they say. Laughter is the best medicine. (LAUGHS) Right? Know what I mean? (LAUGHS)
GK: So the American League championship series was hard on you, huh?
TR (NEW YORKER): We went up to Fenway Park for the fourth game and people poured beer on me and I got a yeast infection and we flew back to New Jersey and of course our luggage got lost and the next morning I'm at the doctor's and they ask for a urine specimen so I go to the deli for a cup of coffee and there's a TV and I see a so-called "highlight" from the game and I lose my balance and I spill the coffee on a guy from Hoboken who yells at me in a foreign language and I say something and he hauls off and whacks me in the chest and I'm lying there in agony and the ambulance takes me to the hospital where they mistake me for the guy with the hernia so they take away my pants and paint me with antiseptic and I make a dash for it and I'm running through the streets with no money and I stop and try to earn a few bucks for cabfare by singing "New York New York" for the tourists and who should come along but Suzanne?
SS (NEW YORKER): I'd been looking all over for him. I was sick with worry. Sick. There he was in a hospital gown singing "Start spreading the news" and I said, "Please don't."
TR (NEW YORKER): We went home. We watched the game that night and the night after that. My bipolar came back. I started hearing voices. My wisdom tooth went bad. I went to the dentist and a bus raced through a puddle and dumped about a hundred gallons of mud on my new suit. I had to have the wisdom tooth pulled and the dentist reached way down with the pliers and I swear he grabbed my prostate. I came home to find someone from the IRS.
SS (NEW YORKER): It was one thing after another.
TR (NEW YORKER): And then came the last game of the series. Boston and New York tied. Three games to three.
SS (NEW YORKER): We took some Valium and watched it in bed.
TR (NEW YORKER): We saw the whole thing. The Yanks, beaten.
SS (NEW YORKER): Beaten like dogs.
TR (NEW YORKER): Ten to three, they got beat. At Yankee Stadium.
SS (NEW YORKER): We lay there looking up at the ceiling. Despondent.
TR (NEW YORKER): The song kept going around and around in my head--
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find I'm A number one, king of the hill, top of the heap--
SS (NEW YORKER): Instead we woke up in a city that couldn't sleep because it was having a bad dream.
TR (NEW YORKER): Then we felt water dripping on our bed.
SS (NEW YORKER): The ceiling leaked. It was the upstairs neighbor's toilet. He'd just flushed. And I went to the office and there were forty-five messages on the machine from clients who had to see me right away.
TR (NEW YORKER): That's when we decided to move to Minnesota.
GK: Look. Take a couple days. Rest up. You'll feel better. We'll put you on a flight to Newark. You'll get right back in the swing of things.
(BRIDGE) I took them over to the Five Spot and went back to the office and called the credit card company.
SS (ON PHONE): I see over $300 in charges from a place called "Fortress of Caviar" but the person left a big tip. So that can't be you. (LAUGHS)
GK: You know, I didn't call up to be insulted, ma'am.
SS (ON PHONE): The last time you had a charge like that was during the End of Summer Sale on Hormel chili.
GK: Could I speak to your supervisor?
SS (ON PHONE): I am the supervisor. Here's some Muzak to calm you down. (SYNTH MUZAK)
GK: I was feeling a little tentative when I got over to the Five Spot and (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, DOOR CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS) there were my New York friends. Ron was playing Oscar Peterson on the jukebox (STATIC OF DISC TURNING, THEN PIANO...) and Suzanne was on her cellphone.
SS (NEW YORKER): A what? A bleeding ulcer? And there was fecal what? No way. Wait, you're breaking up, you're breaking up-here, let me just walk over here--(FOOTSTEPS) Hey, turn down the jukebox, wouldja? I'm on the phone--
TR (NEW YORKER): Well, take it outside. I'm listening to music.
SS (NEW YORKER): You ever hear of respecting people's boundaries? Huh?
TR (NEW YORKER): Aw, get out of here.
GK: So what's the plan, Ron? You guys heading back to New York? You need a ride to the airport?
TR (NEW YORKER): Actually we're meeting with someone about opening a Chinese restaurant. I've just been working on the menu.
GK: Let me see that-- Sweet and sour hotdish, Mongolian hotdish, cashew hotdish, twice cooked hotdish, hotdish Mogadishu-- interesting. What's the name of the restaurant?
TR (NEW YORKER): We thought we'd name it for you.
GK: For me???
TR (NEW YORKER): Moo Goo Guy Noir.
GK: Hey-- that's awfully nice of you.
TR (NEW YORKER): We'd hire you as a host. Stand at the door and welcome people, shake hands, you know.
GK: Hang up people's coats?
TR (NEW YORKER): No, no-- you'd be the host.
GK: You want me to hang up coats, don't you?
TR (NEW YORKER): Well-- somebody has to.
GK: I'm a private eye, Ron. I'm not ready to work for tips in a coffee can.
TR (NEW YORKER): Hey. It's a job. And I think you'd be good at it. Really. We'd get you a nice suit to wear.
GK: What kind?
TR (NEW YORKER): Double-breasted blue pinstripe.
GK: Let me think about it. Would I have to grin at everybody?
TR (NEW YORKER): No, but how about if you twinkle?
GK: I suppose I could twinkle.
TR (NEW YORKER): Let's see your twinkle.
GK: How's that?
TR (NEW YORKER): Good. Not bad. It's all right.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's questions...
(MUSIC OUT)