GK: It's a great pleasure now to welcome John Kerry to our show----
KERRY: A pleasure for me to be here in Chicago and I've come because I believe that America can do better and Chicago is an example of a city that has done better-----
GK: Thank you, Senator. And Senator John Edwards, welcome to you.
EDWARDS: Thank you. Just so proud to be here and that's why I'm smiling up a storm! I have a full head of real human hair and I have a boyish and cherubic face and people love me and I know it.
GK: John Kerry and John Edwards, and here on the opposing side, we have President George W. Bush and Executive Vice-President Dick Cheney.
BUSH: Thank you. Our country is today surrounded by evil forces bent on our destruction and that is why I am flying all over America and reassuring the people of this country ---- and let me just say, God bless America ----- reassuring you that Dick Cheney and I are in command and are doing many many secret things to keep you safe, although our deadly foes are encouraged by the divisive things that my opponents have said about me.
GK: Okay. ----- Mr. Vice-President, you're tilting your head as if you have something to say.
CHENEY: I just want to point out that whatever the President says goes for me double. He is the greatest man I have ever known and anyone who doubts that I have things I'd like to say to you in private.
GK: Okay---- The debates, gentlemen, will take place later in the fall, but you have agreed to a series of head-to-head competitions ----
BUSH: These are mano a mano ---- as our Hispanic friends would say----
GK: They are man-to-man, yes, sir. And today, since we're here in Chicago, we're going to have a blues contest.
EDWARDS: John Kerry and I know the blues, because the middle class in this country have the blues.
BUSH: Oh just shut up would you. Tell him, Cheney. Tell him what you told the other guy.
EDWARDS: President Bush, if you don't mind----
BUSH: You guys go on and on ----- you Democrats are nothing but talk, talk, talk ---- I am the president of the short sentence. People like that. I say one thing at a time. Then I stop. People think about it. I say something else. Try it sometime.
GK: Okay, let's go over the rules---
KERRY: You're right, Mr. President, we do talk and we're going to go right on talking until we are victorious in November and telling the American people that wisdom and action are not opposing values and neither are height and good looks...
GK: OK, let's go over the rules----
BUSH: Down in Texas, we have a saying: no pasada en mi casa, no comida la empanada. I don't know how you say it in French, but that's what we say in Texas.
KERRY: Mr. President, America is waiting for November when we are going to clear some brush out of the White House----
BUSH: Americans aren't waiting for anything. America is not a country of waiters. We're a country where people wait on us.
GK: Why don't we get started now----- we'll give each of you a Telecaster guitar----
CHENEY: For reasons of security, I will be playing the guitar.
GK: Okay, fine. Mr. Kerry, you're over there----- Okay, we're ready to begin----- it's the first Presidential and Vice-Presidential Blues Debate ---- from Chicago.
BUSH:
Well, one and one is two, and two and two is four,
But four can beat a five, at least it did when I beat Gore,
Hey hey
Baby don't you want to go
Back to that ever-lovin city
Sweet home, Chicago.
GK: Mr. Kerry----
KERRY:
Foreign leaders want me to win
Though I cannot name the leader.
BUSH:
Hey, that's okay---- I don't know their names either.
KERRY:
Hey hey
Baby I will tell you why
Cast your ballot in November
For the taller guy.
BUSH:
I've seen National Security memos ---- glanced at em once or twiceKERRY:
I passed em on to Rummy and Condoleeza Rice.
Hey hey
Baby don't you want to stay
When I need to know about policy
Frankly, I just kneel down and pray.
You got in your flight suitBUSH:
And you strutted across the deck.
You said the mission had been accomplished
You forgot to call the troops and check.
Hey hey
Baby how come we went
With a guy of faulty intelligence
Our C-minus President?
The economy's doing better, people're finding jobs to do.
KERRY:
That's true, Mr. President, they're working to defeat you.
BUSH:
Oh-oh
Baby don't you want to go.
EDWARDS:
Back to that ever-lovin city,
Sweet home Chicago.
BUSH:
I need your help, America. I'm asking for your support.
But if I do not get it, hey---- I've got the Supreme Court.
Hey hey
Baby let us reap the bounty
Down in that ever-lovin city
That I call Dade County.
EDWARDS:
You give tax cuts to the rich,
You let business write the laws.
I've heard of voodoo economics
Yours is from the Land of Oz.
Hey hey
Mr. President, you've been offered
A one-way trip to
Your ranch in Crawford.
GK: Mr. Cheney----- your verse----
CHENEY:
We're surrounded by evil forces
Who are trying hard to scare us.
Would you trust our national security
To a guy who takes orders from Paris?
Oh-oh
Baby do you want to go
Duck-hunting with a guy
Who don't drink beer, he drinks Bordeaux?
GK: Mr. Kerry -----
KERRY:
I am a wind-surfer, I have powerful thighs and haunches
You choked on a pretzel and knocked yourself unconscious
Hey hey
Baby do you want to go
I am good on water
And also on the snow.
BUSH:
I am the war president, and though I know it's hard
We learned about sacrifice in the Texas Air National Guard.
Oh-oh
Baby what can I do?
Nobody remembers seeing me on Guard duty
And I've forgotten too.
GK: Okay. Senator Edwards----
EDWARDS: I don't like being called Senator. Just call me John Boy.
(SINGS)
I grew up poor, blues singers are my brothers,
Then I learned to file lawsuits and give the blues to others,
Hey hey
Baby you know how I feel
I may lose your heart now
But I'll win it on appeal.
GK: Executive Vice-President Dick Cheney ----- your turn----
CHENEY: (SPOKEN) For security reasons I will be disguising my voice to prevent hostile forces whom I will not name from using voice detection devices to ascertain my location and carrying out an attack which, we have intelligence showing they are planning to do, perhaps imminently.
GK: Okay----- Mr. Cheney----
CHENEY: (SUNG)
There is something about you that fits our profile
I'm afraid we'll have to take you into custody for awhile
Hey hey
Baby you are going to go
Down to that ever-lovin city
Guantanamo.
GK: Okay ----- now we'll hear once more from Mr. Kerry and then once more from President Bush.
KERRY: Because I think it's so important that we hear women's voices and listen to their concerns-----
GK: Okay---- okay----
KERRY: I will have my wife Theresa Heinz Kerry sing the last verse in my place.
BUSH: Love your ketchup, babes. Use it all the time in our home.
SS:
I may be rich and have five homes but I am not above it
And if you think I am, well, hey, you gotta love it
Hey hey
Baby how bout me and you
Get us a new residence
Pennsylvania Avenue.
GK: Okay, President Bush ---- your verse----
BUSH: My favorite verse is from Holy Scripture and it simply says: Be still and know that I am God. That's a verse that a lot of folks need to follow a little more closely. I just like the sound of it.----
GK: Okay---- here's a last blues verse-----
BUSH:
When it comes November(HE SNICKERS)
And you read the news
You'll find I have more red states
And you will have less blues
Oh yes
Baby you can dry your tears
We're going back to Washington
And we'll have four more years.
GK: Thanks to the candidates for taking part-----
(BOWS)
EDWARDS: I'm really smiling now! Boy O boy!
CHENEY: Remember ---- we're watching you-----
KERRY: You can do better, America!
BUSH: Hasta la vista, baby.