(Recorded June 18 for broadcast on June 19)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was a beautiful day in June, I was in Los Angeles, in the Heritage Laundromat on Wistful Vista Boulevard doing a load. I'd been in L.A. a week and was running short on undies. I put in the quarters and (SFX, WASHER) got the washer going and tried to ignore the beautiful women stripping down to their thongs and tossing their tiny tanktops and shorts into the wash. There is no shame in Los Angeles, it's one thing you notice when you get there.
SS: Excuse me. Could you help me? I'm trying to figure out how to turn the knob to Gentle Cycle?
GK: Sure. That's easy. You just turn the dial to Gentle---- see?
SS: Oh, wow. That's fantastic. This is so nice of you. My name's Kristin. I love your work.
GK: Me?
SS: Aren't you a director?
GK: I didn't want to disappoint the kid so I said ---- I'm an associate director, but I know directors.
SS: Oh. Wow.
GK: I know one who's making a movie now, there might be something in it for you.
SS: Oh wow.
GK: It's about a race of aliens who take human form, beautiful humans who can't eat carbohydrates and they feed themselves with tubes they put into a small orifice where the belly-button is, and they have a silver plug to keep the orifice closed --- just like you have.
SS: Wow. What a coincidence.
GK: Give me your number and I'll give you a call when I learn something.
SS: Cool. (BRIDGE)
GK: I had to go for a walk. Looking at her had made me hyperventilate, or whatever you call it when your eyeballs perspire. (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, TRAFFIC. PASSING PEDESTRIANS) The jacaranda trees were beautiful. Gorgeous purple, up and down the streets. I looked around and this weaselly guy in dark glasses ducked behind a tree. Purple trees in the fog along the avenues gave me an idea for a screenplay. A story about an older man in a blue suit rescuing a young woman in her thong underwear. All I had to do was find a director and pitch him the idea. A city of dreams, L.A., where you don't need a fancy degree or a lot of money, just a great face or a great script or know somebody. (CELLPHONE RING) (PICKUP) Yeah-----Noir here.
TR: (ARNOLD) Mr. Noir, this is the governor of Caleefornia.....
GK: Yes, sir.
TR (ARNOLD): As you know, we have suffered an enormous loss, Mr. Noir.
GK: Yes, I watched the funeral on TV. All eight days of it.
TR (ARNOLD): No, I mean our Lakers.
GK: Oh right. The NBA championship.
TR (ARNOLD): Detroit! This was not supposed to be.
GK: Well, the Detroit Pistons are a fine team.
TR (ARNOLD): Did you see my last movie "Terminator III - Rise of the Machines" which is available on DVD at the Ralph's store?
GK: No, I didn't.
TR (ARNOLD): But you know my movies, yes?
GK: Yes, of course. You're the hero. Whether you're a robot or a soldier or Danny DeVito's twin brother, you have always been the hero. Now I need a hero. Could we meet and talk about this? (BRIDGE)
GK: I made a date with Arnold to meet him at the Laundromat. I needed to hang out there in case any other young women needed help with the Gentle Cycle. (WASHER) I put in a load of shirts, and waited for Arnold, and across the room I saw the weaselly guy in the dark glasses. He was pretending to read the newspaper. A woman stood there looking at me. Her face looked like she had a lot of stories to tell, not all of them of a comic nature.
SS (DEEP): You're an agent?
GK: Sort of.
SS (DEEP): You handle actors?
GK: I don't like to use the word "handle". I represent.
SS (DEEP): I need representation.
GK: Look, I'm sorry, I'm expecting a call.
SS (DEEP): I got thirty years in the business and then I went to New
York to do stage work and somehow I got out of touch, and I don't think people realize I'm back and available.
GK: Look. I can't talk now. I'm expecting a call.
SS (DEEP): Talk to me until the call comes.
GK: I can't. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) I dashed out of the Laundromat and I could hear her chasing me----
SS (DEEP, OFF): Lemme give you my pictures!
GK: (CHASE PIANO UNDER) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) I took off across the parking lot. (HORN HONKS)
SS (DEEP, OFF): Come back here.
GK: I saw a big Hummer backing out of a space(CAR REVVING)---
SS (DEEP, OFF): Hey!
GK: I jumped on the back of the Hummer as he pulled out of the lot (TIRES SQUEAL) and he went fishtailing (SFX) onto the freeway ----- and then I saw the driver was the governor (CAR SPEEDING THROUGH GEARS) he was going 75 around a sharp curve and then I saw another car pull alongside on the left and it was that weaselly guy in the shades (HONKS) and he swerved toward Arnold (TIRES) and bumped the Hummer (METAL SCRAPE) and the Hummer left the road and crashed right through Tom Hanks's picture on a billboard (CRASH) and into a chicken house. (CHICKEN FLURRY, RADIATOR STEAMING)
TR (ARNOLD): I am so embarrassed. It's all the potato chips I ate watching the Lakers lose. I got flabby. I should have had a protein bar. The people of California need Arnold to be strong. (HE GOES INTO HIGH-PITCHED GERMAN, THEN CATCHES HIMSELF) Sorry. I forgot where I was. Sank you. Bye bye. (HUMMER REVS UP AND PULLS AWAY, CHICKEN FLURRY)
GK: I looked around for a farmhouse but there wasn't any. (CHICKENS CONTINUING, UNDER) And then I saw him.
The weaselly man in the dark glasses. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR: Got you. At last.
GK: I don't know what you're talking about.
TR: I think you do. You dirty no-good cheater (HE SWINGS. GK OOF. THEY STRUGGLE)---
GK: Who are you? what is this---
TR: Who am I! Why you---- (HE SWINGS. GK OOF. STRUGGLE)
GK: I think maybe you missed school when they had the unit on manners--- you big --- (HE SWINGS. TR OOF. FALLS. GROANS) There. Let it be a lesson to you. No hitting. You try that again, I'll have to teach you some more. (CELLPHONE RING)
GK: Excuse me - (PICK UP) Yeah?
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? It's Kristin.
GK: Kristin! Thanks for calling. (HEART POUNDING)
SS (ON PHONE): I just want to thank you for getting me this part in the movie. I'm so excited.
GK: What part in what movie? (TICKING) Excuse me -- (FOOTSTEPS) What is in that suitcase with the wires attached?
TR: Guess, you big weasel. (GUNSHOTS)
GK: That better not be a bomb. Sorry, Kristin. I'm back. I'm in the midst of a meeting here---
SS (ON PHONE): That's okay. I've got to catch a plane.
GK: Where are you going? Excuse me ---- why did you tie the red wire and black wire together.
TR: Because I'm mad at you.
GK: I think maybe you made a big mistake, mister.
TR: I think you made the mistake back when you stole the notes out of my sportcoat and sold my idea for a Bible picture to Mel Gibson---
GK: When did I do that?
TR: Three years ago. I wrote an outline of the whole story and you took it and gave it to Mel Gibson and now he's rich and I'm still working in the shoestore.
GK: Listen. You think a dry cleaner would be wearing a sport coat that looks like this?
TR: You didn't take the notes?
GK: I am not the dry cleaner, okay? I didn't take the notes. The story comes from the Bible.
TR: It does?
GK: The Bible. Maybe you're not staying in enough hotels.
TR: Oh. (PAUSE) Sorry. Wrong guy. (PAUSE) Would you happen to know how to turn off the timer on an explosive device?
GK: Oh boy. It is a bomb. (TICKING) You know, I'm glad your mother isn't here to see this. She would not be proud.
TR: I'm sorry. I got carried away.
GK: Did you ever hear about hiring a lawyer, huh? Violence does not solve anything.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? Are you still there?
GK: Yes. For the time being I am.
SS (ON PHONE): Listen. I'm here at the airport and I've got to get on the plane. I'm going to Spain with a director named Rick.
GK: Kristin, who is he?
SS (ON PHONE): He's so wonderful. So funny. So generous. We're flying first class and everything.
GK: Kristin, hang on ----
TR: I forget how do I disarm this? which wire do I pull ---- the red one or the black one?
GK: Oh boy.
TR: I'm really embarrassed about this.
GK: Well, I hope you are embarrassed.
TR: I mistook you for someone else and now here I am with an explosive device set to go off in two minutes and no idea how to disarm it.
GK: Two minutes?
TR: That's right. I set it for 2 o'clock.
GK: Two o'clock!
TR: And it's one fifty-eight right now.
GK: Not according to the clock on the bomb it's not. Look.
TR: One fifty-nine. (TICKING)
GK: Your clock is fast.
TR: So we've got less than one minute.
GK: I'd say so. About forty-five seconds.
SS (ON PHONE): I've only known Rick for a couple hours and already I feel like he's a soulmate.
GK: I'm about ready to make a flight of my own, Kristin.
SS (ON PHONE): I don't understand.
GK: Don't get on the plane yet. -----You know you really need to get into some kind of anger management program, mister ----
SS (ON PHONE): I've got to say goodbye. Rick is waiting. ---- Thanks.
GK: Kristin, could you please just catch a cab, and meet me at the Laundromat?
SS (ON PHONE): Why don't you come to Spain?
GK: In about half a minute, I may.
SS (ON PHONE): Thanks, Mr. Noir. See you later.
TR: Thirty seconds.
GK: I wish you'd think about this.
SS (ON PHONE): Bye.
GK: ---I'm going to pull the black wire.
TR: No
GK: You think red? Okay. Red. (SNAP) Whew.
TR: Close call.
GK: Pew. Smells like somebody died in here. Was that you or him?
TR: Don't look at me.
GK: Kristin? Kristin, you there?
TR: Who you talking to?
GK: An angel. Guess I'm not going to be seeing her for awhile.
(MUSIC)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)