(Recorded June 18 for broadcast on June 19)
.....and now here's a little story for Father's Day. (MUSIC UNDER)
TR (FRANKENSTEIN): At last, after years of work in my laboratory, it is time to see if my great experiment will work......if I have discovered the secret of life! Igor!
TR (IGOR): Yes, master!
TR: Attach the wires to the creature's head!
TR (IGOR): Yes, master!
(THUNDER, LIGHTNING)
TR: And now I will throw the switch (SHORTING)---- and again! (SHORTING).....Igor, he moves! (ELECTRIC SHORTING) He moves! I have done it! I! Dr. Frankenstein! I have created a living human being! (FN MONSTER GRUNTING, ELECTRICAL SHORTING) He lives! I have made him! (FN MONSTER GRUNTS) --- A living man!
FN: Master---
TR: He speaks to me.
FN: Master---- did you hear the one about the monster who was so ugly, he went to the beauty shop and it took three hours, for an estimate.
TR (GASPS IN HORROR): Oh no! I have created a comedian! How could I have been so foolish?? Go away! Go! (FN MONSTER PAIN, WHIMPERING) I don't want you! Leave me! (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: Rejected by his creator, the monster went on a rampage through the village, destroying homes, terrifying the inhabitants, killing audiences (FN MONSTER: Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, and the monster? CRASHING AND CRUNCHING, TERRIFIED VILLAGERS RUNNING AWAY)
GK: He told jokes because his heart was broken, and at last, abandoned, cold, hungry (FN MONSTER FOOTSTEPS, GRIEF) he came to a small hut, where an old blind man sat playing his violin. (VIOLIN) (FN MONSTER GRUNTS, MONSTER STEPS STAGGERING AND STOP, FN MONSTER PLEADING) (VIOLIN STOP)
TR (OLD MAN): Welcome, my friend. I'm glad you came. Would you like something to drink?
FN: Drink.
TR (OLD MAN): Here is a glass of wine.
FN: Wine.
TR (OLD MAN): Wine---- good.
FN: (SLURPS) Wine. Good.
TR (OLD MAN): And here, my friend. A plate of food. Eat.
FN: Food.
TR (OLD MAN): Food. Good.
FN (EATS): Food. Good. But wine wrong wine. Not good with this food.
TR (OLD MAN): You don't like the wine, my friend?
FN: Wine wrong. Must have white wine with soup.
TR (OLD MAN): Oh. I'm blind. I didn't know----
FN: Monster here to help blind man.
TR (OLD MAN): You came to me a comedian and now you're a critic.
FN: Critic good.
TR (OLD MAN): How did you like my violin playing?
FN: Music. Not good.
GK: And as the monster said this, a smile came over his horrible face, stitched together from cadaver parts.
FN: I no do comedy now.
TR (OLD MAN): Why?
FN: Comedy no good. I critic now. Critic good.
TR (OLD MAN): But there are already many critics.
FN: I am monster critic. (HE ROARS. HE STOMPS AWAY, DESTROYING THINGS)
GK: And so he stormed across the landscape, writing torpedo reviews, bringing devastation to the entertainment business, until one day he met a critic of his own.
SS: Hi.
FN: Woman. Woman good. Woman very very (MONSTER GRUNTS) ---
SS: You know, those leather pants and shirt ---- that whole look is so over ----- plus which, they're all stained with blood and gore ---- you're never going to get that out ----- you need a makeover. And that big club with the nail sticking out------ what is that about? (MONSTER GRUNTS) I really love that big seam on your face though ---- is that a tattoo? (MONSTER GRUNTS) Oh wow. I've seen implants but this is something. Can you sing? (MONSTER ATTEMPTS TO SING) Hey, that's good.
FN: Good?
SS: It's great.
FN: Singing good?
SS: I think you've really got something. And I think you're really attractive. In a rugged way. You seem to be leaning to your left----(FADING) Have you ever tried stretching? I could show you an exercise---- (BRIDGE)
GK: And they got together, and that's where you come from, kids. Monster, comedian, critic, singer, father. A natural progression. Happy Father's Day.
(BUTTON)