(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)
GK: It was the middle of June and I was out east in New Jersey where I had taken a college student whose parents wanted her to spend the summer in a place where she wouldn't be going to a lot of wild parties.
SS (TEEN): Ocean Grove!! Hello???? What century is this??
GK: This is a historic community, Lindsay. Built in the 1870s and still mostly intact. A National Historic District. Quite a place.
SS (TEEN): There's no McDonalds??? No Gap???
GK: Welcome to the 19th Century. You're going to learn a lot.
SS (TEEN): But hello???? what am I going to do all summer?
GK: You see these horse-drawn carriages?
SS (TEEN): Yes? (HORSE, HOOFCLOPS, CREAK OF CARRIAGE, PASSING)
GK: You see this shovel and broom?
SS (TEEN): Yes?
GK: Have a good summer, kid. (BRIDGE) I took a walk around the town, which had more Victorian buildings per square block than you'd think possible, especially in New Jersey where they have so many fires especially when buildings are insured. According to a plaque, the town was founded as a Methodist campground. I'm not a Methodist myself, the only Wesley I am familiar with is Wes Montgomery the jazz guitarist. Methodism I always get confused with method acting and methamphetamines. But it was a pleasant place if you like peace and quiet. A lovely town square with beautiful Victorian gazebo and storefronts and the Great Auditorium where Bob Dylan was performing ----
TR (DYLAN, SINGING): I walk in the garden alone ... while the dew is still on the roses ...
GK: Evidently he had converted to Methodism.
TR (DYLAN, SINGING): And the voice I hear while I tarry theref..gives me a psychosis. (BRIDGE)
GK: The beach was almost deserted (SURF, GULLS) except for some women in bathing dresses, the kind with skirts that went down to the knees. A couple of sailing ships were anchored offshore. And just then a woman tapped me on the shoulder----
SS: Excuse me----
GK: Oh I'm sorry----- am I not supposed to be here?
SS: You're a private detective, I hear-----
GK: Yes, ma'am. Guy Noir's the name.
SS: I'm Emily Epworth, Mr. Noir. I'm on the Board of Architectural Review here in Ocean Grove.
GK: I see.
SS: We maintain the design standards to we make sure that Ocean Grove retains its unique architectural quality.
GK: It is unique, isn't it.
SS: We're a rather conservative community, Mr. Noir. Very uncommercial, very quiet...
GK: I see.
SS: Until recently. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: She invited me into the nearby pharmacy for a sarsaparilla while she told me about a new family who'd bought a house and move in a few months before.
SS: I'm sorry to say it, but they just don't belong here, Mr. Noir. He owns a restaurant ----- are you familiar with a chain called Hooters?
GK: By reputation, yes. I've heard of them.
SS: Well, it's not a place where you'd find Methodists. Or let me put it this way ----- it's not a place where a Methodist would invite another Methodist to go------ (BRIDGE)
GK: She asked me to go have a word with the family, whose name was Mezzo ---- Tony Mezzo. They owned a huge wood frame house with a gingerbread porch and a guy sitting on an electric rocking chair and watching a big-screen TV that he'd mounted in a tree. (TV AUDIO, GUNSHOTS, DIALOGUE)
Excuse me----- is your name Mr. Mezzo?
TR: Yeah? So what's it to you?
GK: Just admiring your house, sir.
TR: Man, how can a guy watch TV with the limb of that tree in the way? Excuse me. (SWITCHES OFF TV.) Just gotta trim this tree here. (STARTS UP CHAINSAW. CUTS TREE. TREE FALLS) There. (CHAINSAW OFF) So you like my house, huh?
GK: Nice siding on it.
TR: Aluminum. You like the color?
GK: Lilac, isn't it?
TR: Lavender. It was my mother's favorite color. And that statue right there. That was very important to Mama.
GK: She must've loved Elvis very much.
TR: She did. It sings, you know----
GK: The statue does.
TR: Yeah. Listen. (SWITCH. FN ELECTRONIC CHORDS, AND TR RECORDED ELVIS SINGING: A-ve Ma-ri-a
Gee I hope to see ya-----
GK: Very nice. Very nice. And very nicely mounted in the bathtub, sir. With the tie-dye satellite dish behind it. And I like the truck tires with the petunias.
TR: I painted em myself.
GK: I was going to guess that.
TR: There's a fountain too ----- you want me to turn it on?
GK: Sure.
TR: (FOUNTAIN) Shoots the water up nice and high, don't it----
GK: Yes sir.
TR: How do you like the strobe lights?
GK: Very dramatic.
TR: And how about this----- (FN ELECTRONIC VERSION OF ZARATHUSTRA) Nice, huh? And look at this----- (SERIES OF ROCKETS GO UP, EXPLODE) Fireworks!!! Neat, huh?
GK: So what type of business you in, Mr. Mezzo?
TR: Lots of businesses.
GK: I see.
TR: I own a couple Hooters. And I'm opening up a new restaurant, called Gluters.
GK: Gluters.
TR: The waiters are guys in very tight pants. You order a burger and they say, "Would you like to hold the bun?"
GK: Good line.
TR: Yeah, I got a hundred acres just outside Ocean Grove. I'm gonna put an amusement park there, called Holy Land. And a strip mall.
GK: ----- Mr. Mezzo, I have to tell you. I'm here from the Board of Architectural Review ----
TR: What???? That bunch of communists!!!
GK: They're concerned that your house violates the code here in Ocean Grove----
TR: Code!!! This is a free country!!!! A guy has a right to do with his house whatever he pleases!!! Look at this!!! (ELECTRONIC CALLIOPE)
GK: And he turned a switch and lights flashed and the house started to revolve (MOTOR) and a Kenny G robot popped out of an upstairs window and started playing a saxophone. (SAX, NEW YORK NEW YORK) ----
SS (OFF, NYER): Hey!!! What you doin? I can't hear myself think with that racket!!
TR: Aw shaddup, Doris!!! Where's dinner???
SS: How can I cook ya dinner with ya making the house spin around like that? Huh? Ya making me dizzy.
TR: Aw you been dizzy as long as I known ya-----
SS: Sez who?
TR: Sez me.
SS: Awwww. Then make your own dinner, ya big jerk. Who's this?
TR: Who???
SS: Him!!! The old gloomy guy with the bad hair----
TR: Oh him. I donno. A neighbor or somebody.
SS: Ya want a soda, mister?
GK: No, thanks.
SS: How about some Four Roses and 7Up? That'll bring a smile to your face. Or a big glass of red wine? We got it on tap----
GK: No, thanks. (HIPHOP ON BOOMBOX, APPROACHING) And just then a kid walked out of the house, a kid with baggy pants down around his knees and a baseball cap turned backwards and a tape deck the size of a suitcase. (HIPHOP GOING PAST)
TR: That's my kid, Tony Jr. He's hard of hearing.
GK: I don't doubt it. (HIPHOP FADING) The kid got into a car and started it up. (CAR START, BIG MANIFOLD PIPES POPPING AND ROARING AS IT REVS UP, THEN SCREECH OF TIRES AS IT PULLS AWAY AND DISAPPEARS)
TR: Nice car, huh? He bought it with his own money he got selling Rolexes on the streetcorner.
GK: Speaking of buying it-----
TR: Yeah?
GK: The community feels that you don't fit in with their vision of Ocean Grove, Mr. Mezzo.
TR: Yeah? Well, how about my vision?
GK: They were here first. And they have better vision.
SS: So?
GK: Look, you don't want to mess with these Ocean Grove people. They only seem quiet and introspective. When they get their dander up, they're liable to get tough and start smiting people. You ever read the Old Testament? The Midianites and all that stuff?
SS: The Midianites? Where they from, Long Island?
GK: Right. Out near Babylon. Look. I don't want to threaten you guys. You got a right to live, but look around you. You don't fit in.
TR: So what about diversity? Multiculturalism? Huh? Don't that include us?
GK: Diversity does not include that particular shade of pants, sir. What are those?
TR: It's a persimmon plaid. What's it to you?
GK: Look. Let's do this peaceably. I don't want to have to resort to force.
TR: Force! What you talking about? Force! Bring it on, I say----
SS: That's telling him!
TR: Bring it on!
SS: He can't talk to you like that!
TR: BRING---- IT-----ON!
GK: Okay, I will.
TR: (PAUSE) What you gonna bring on?
GK: Methodists.
SS: What about em?
GK: Thousands of Methodists.
TR: So what?
GK: We're gonna kidnap you, Tony, and tie you up and put you in a mini-van with six kids and have you teach pre-school.
TR: Now wait a minute.
GK: And then we're going to take you to the annual convention.
TR: You're what?
GK: You ever spend a whole day in the midst of ten-thousand Methodists hearing a debate on what is our mission in the 21st Century? Huh?
TR: Hey, wait a minute----
GK: They love to talk. They can talk for hours. Days. Their voices go up and down and up and down----
TR: Please. Don't make me go----
GK: We're gonna tie you to a chair in the middle of the forty-fourth row. Surrounded by people all happy and smiley and their voices are like rain on a tin roof, Tony----
TR: Don't make me go-please-----
GK: The 2004 annual convention------ Minot, North Dakota-----
TR: No! Not North Dakota!!!
GK: The theme of the convention is, "Focusing On Stewardship" ------
TR: Please! Not a lecture on stewardship!!!
SS: Have a heart, mister. Can't you see you're scaring him half to death? He's got a bum ticker. He's liable to croak.
TR: Get me a bicarbonate, Doris.
GK: And after the lecture on stewardship-----there's going to be a recital by a soprano----
TR: No! No sopranos!!! Please!!!
JANIS: CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
FORD EVERY STREAM
FOLLOW EVERY RAINBOW
UNTIL YOU WANT TO SCREAM.
TR: You can have the house!!! Here. Here's the keys!!! We're outta here. (BRIDGE)
GK: His house, with the fountain and flashing lights and the lavender siding removed, has been made into a hospitality center for retired church soloists, and the statue of Elvis now stands at the gateway to the campground. (TR RECORDED ELVIS: Hi y'all, thanks for coming to Ocean Grove where---- (HE SINGS) I did it Their Way-----) . And Emily Epworth and the Board of Architectural Review was very grateful for my work.
SS: I don't know how we can ever repay you, Mr. Noir----
GK: Well, I'll tell you how----
SS: We took up a freewill offering for you at the meeting last night--
GK: This looks like a whole lot of quarters.
SS: And we'll put you on our prayer list.
GK: Looks like I'm going to need it.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)