(GUY NOIR THEME, JEARLYN SINGS TWO VERSES, THEN UNDER----)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ---Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT) (QUIET CLUB AMBIENCE)
GK: I was in a joint called the Gemini Lounge, home of the All U Can Eat Maraschino Cherry Bar, where two minutes before I had lost a large amount of money to a guy who knew nothing whatsoever about poker.
TR (MINNESOTA): I'm not a hundred percent sure but I think that my Ace, King, Queen, and Jack of hearts are gonna take those two sixes of yours---- let me look it up in the rules.
GK: Oh never mind. (BRIDGE) I was at the Gemini Lounge to meet a dame who wanted to find out the name of a guy she'd met thirty years ago.
SS (DEEP): I been sitting at this bar so long, they oughta put up a plaque.
GK: You come in here often?
SS (DEEP): I keep hoping I'll run into him.
GK: So you met him here thirty years ago?
SS (DEEP): Right.
GK: And I heard a voice. Singing. . (INGA VOCALISE) It sounded like a song I could almost think of the title of. Hey bartender----- where's that music coming from?
TR (RICO): What music you talking about?
GK: Somebody singing.
TR (RICO): You musta bumped your head on a ballpeen hammer, Noir. There ain't no music in here.
GK: You don't hear it?
TR (RICO): You hear somebody singing, Lois?
SS (DEEP): All I hear is time passing and my arteries clogging up, Joe.
GK: I coulda sworn I heard something. ---- So tell me about this guy you met thirty years ago-----
SS (DEEP): Okay. It was like this----
TR (RICO): You want some music, let me put a quarter in the jukebox. (FOOTSTEPS) Got a nice Joe Venuti tune here. You care for Joe Venuti?
GK: Sure.
SS: Wasn't he a governor of Minnesota?
GK: Venuti? No. He was a jazz violinist.
(COIN DROP, ROLL, (JUKEBOX MECHANISM. HISS OF NEEDLE ON DISC)
(VENUTI) (IT SKIPS)
GK: Hey, your record's skipping.
TR (RICO): Hit it on the side. Hard.
GK: Where? Here?
TR (RICO): Higher.
GK: Here?
TR (RICO): Try that. (WHACK. MUSIC PLAYS) Good.
SS (DEEP): Anyways, it was Spring, 1974 ---- thirty years ago ---- the Watergate hearings. Remember?
GK: I do.
SS (DEEP): One of the happiest times of my life, I must say.
GK: Uh huh.
SS (DEEP): I never got so much pleasure out of newspapers and TV in my life.
GK: Right.
SS (DEEP): I got all the White House tapes ----here on my mp3 player ---- I listen to em over and over---- listen to this. (CLICK)
TR (NIXON): And B'nai Brith. Full of Jews. Did you know that? I didn't. Let's see what they're up to. And Passover. Why is that night different from all other nights? See what you can find out about that. (CLICK)
GK: You know---- thirty years is a long time ago.
SS (DEEP): Anyway, this guy and I used to meet and listen to tapes and argue about who Deep Throat was.
GK: Deep Throat! Everybody knows that. It was Bob Edwards. The newscaster.
SS (DEEP): Really. I didn't know that. (INGA VOCALISE)
GK: Is that voice coming from your mp3 player?
SS (DEEP): Is what coming from where?
GK: Never mind. (CHAIR SCRAPE, FOOTSTEPS) Maybe it's coming from the cold air duct. ---- Hey, where's your air conditioner-----
TR (RICO): In the basement---- why?
GK: How do I get down there---- (FOOTSTEPS) this way?
TR (RICO): Hey---- don't go down there---- (DOOR OPEN) I'm warning you, don't go ---- (DOOR SLAM) (END OF CLUB AMBIENCE. REVERB. SLOW STEPS IN DARK, DOWN STAIRS)
GK: No light switch. Maybe it's at the bottom of the stairs. Hope there isn't a missing step. (CREAK) Hhhhhhhhhhhhh! Spider's web. Hate those. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE, SLOWLY, FEELING WAY) Pitch black down here. Why? (FEELING WITH FOOT) Aw, there's the floor. Feels wet. Odd. (SLOW SQUISHY STEPS) Looks like a door over there. A little crack of light under it. (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW) Ahhhhhhhhhhh. The spider that made the spiderweb. Better not touch her. Might be poisonous. Just let her crawl down my face--..my neck----..down my arm------..into my hand. (SQUISH) Gotcha. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. INGA SINGING) ---- There was a young woman, on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Soapsuds all over. She was blonde and beautiful though her face was smudged with dirt. Then she saw me.
IS: Hi. Who are you?
GK: Noir's the name. And you?
IS: Cindy.
GK: So it's you I heard singing.
IS: Yes. I'm almost done with washing the floor and then I'm going to the dance.
If I can find something to wear. My stepsisters are going too and they have beautiful dresses.
GK: You'll be just fine.
IS: I've been scrubbing floors for years. I'm not sure I even know HOW to dance. And I can't afford a carriage----- jewelry----- new shoes------
GK: Well, you have something money can't buy, kid. You've got ---- personality.
IS: I do?
GK:
All over the place. (SOFT SHOE)
You got the old esprit
The sis-boom-bah
The do-re-mi
And the je ne sais quoi
You got elan,
And heart and soul.
Baby you are rock and roll.
You got loads of class
You're the real McCoy
You got the razzmatazz
You're a bundle of joy
You give me a thrill
For goodness sakes
Baby, you've got what it takes.
Savoir faire, savoir faire
You'll do fine in the world out there.IS: I wish I shared your confidence. How many years have I been scrubbing this floor? I forget. What year is it?
GK: Doesn't matter, kid.
IS: How so?
GK: Time marches on, kid, but we don't have to march with it. We can waltz. We can tango. Do the old soft shoe.
IS: How does that go?
GK: It goes----
DUET:Savoir faire, savoir faire
Good to see all the folks out there.
All those years
Doing shows
Did anyone hear?
Nobody knows.
It was just
A long-lost dream
And we tried not to run out of steam.
Savoir faire, savoir faire
Do your dance for the folks out there.(MUSIC CONTINUES)
GK: You're very graceful.
IS: Thanks.
GK: Boy, if I were royalty, I would be coming around with a glass slipper.
IS: Me? I'm only a cleaning lady.
GK: Here---- let me show you how to waltz.
IS: I can't dance.
GK: Of course you can dance----- Here----- (PIANO) Put one foot after the other and time just melts away----- there you go-----
(JEARLYN SINGS BRIDGE AND LAST VERSE OF GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ---Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)